The Juice Rant

So it's been months since my last confession. I find writing to be less of an outlet when I have the comforts of food, smoke and drink around me. Interesting to notice these things. And when I woke up this morning, I noticed my conversation I have with myself about having my first cigarette of the day. So instead, I grabbed my first juice and hopped into my jacuzzi.

So many things have transpired since my last rant.

My mom has gotten better and it was a result of an overdose of prendisone and a urinary tract infection. When older women get this they get crazy!!! Great just another thing to look forward to about being a woman. HA!! So she was out of it from the UTI and not remembering how many pills she was taking. WOW. And there is a touch of perhaps dementia creeping in and she sees it so how great is that. So we are looking at White Horse Village for her to visit, which is a retirement home where some of her lady friends stay.

As far as my brother and sister, I had been keeping my distance, until last week. Looking at it as a message to them that it's not OK to continue this old way of treatment of me. And my sister sets up a family photo with mom and a week at the beach. I mean they are family and there is a love I have for all of them. We shared a fantastic week together and it really was a blessing to have all of this crap happen and still we can pull together.

You don't have to like your family they say...you can't choose your family...so that brings me to my next topic...family and community.

I never understood when people would say this. OK fine, so I want to choose my family now. I want people in my life that I love and respect and honor who they are in the world and what they are up to. I want to actually like my family.
I have become active in an intentional community, which is a group of people who have been living together for the past 50 years. Recently I was out visiting their property in Lafayette California. Now I don't think one would say I was trying to keep up with the Jones and I usually make fun of the Jones and yet I live smack dab in the middle of the Jones. Hmm...odd.
I'm interested in seeing what it would be like to live deliberately with powerful choices of who I want in my life. Yes, on some level I have always been making this choice. Which has mostly been based out of obligation or based on just having people in my life so I wasn't alone.
I love my friends and community and I want more. I'm beginning my own research on community living. Not sure what its going to look like. I'm heading back there soon. That's for sure.

I have more to write about,

Love, which I am really playing in this arena and met someone who I want to have have in my life and who is willing to do research with me. I have been straight and honest with this guy and I'm not comprising a stick of anything. In compromising, everyone loses. With that being said, I'm not being selfish, I ask that of him too. It's been so much fun, risking and playing with him. He has a kind and calm spirit, with just enough hot pepper zest!!! I'm excited for whats to come!!

Riding, I'm not. I fell and gave myself a hematoma on my pubic bone. HA! Of all the places that has to be the worst for riding horses at least. This happened in July and its August. So I say one more week off. It still hurts a bunch. I've reconsidered the kind of riding I want in my life. It's a dangerous sport and I takes a lot longer to heal from a fall the older I get. I have also heard of people who were killed walking their horses out to the field. I'm not one to play it safe anywhere in my life and I don't want the message to my kids to be play it safe either. I also don't want to give the message of being reckless. So it's all developing.

Well thanks for listening for those that read this. It does help me to go through this process.
M

Don't cook bacon naked -The advice for the Graduates

"They" say you remember your graduation, your wedding, the birth of your children, their graduation, their wedding and their births.

I remember my first tongue kiss, my first cigarette, both were at The Devon Horse Show by the way, my first time, not at Devon, the day I walked out of Baldwin and Conestoga HS never to return, leaving my castle of White Horse Farm thinking my life was over, one sad night in Avalon, the birth of Taylor, the day Jerry Garcia died, the day I married Jeffery Stevens Hinkle, the birth of Luke, the day Jeff left, the day Jeff died, my graduation from Immaculata, my ah ha moment in the Landmark Forum and forgave my dad, the day my dad died, the day Zane died which on Friday will be a year, and now my oldest childs' graduation.
Of course there have been so many amazing things that have occurred in between all of those events but they stand out.

It was a great event. Even though it was way too long. They had 5 seniors give speeches and each lasted at least 15mins long. UGH!!! And the sad thing was, some of them were really great but I couldn't stand to listen to them. I just wanted to hear my daughters name called!!
She was so happy! Definitely the happiest I have ever seen her. A great moment!!

And my mom and sister came to the house afterward. And even though this was the first time I have seen my sister or even spoken to her since all of this mayhem with mom came out, it was business as usual. I guess that whole blood is thicker than water saying stood the test of time.
I know I have a lot of training in the area of relationships and I can coach anyone through anything and I'm good at it but you know how they say doctors make the worst patients, well that's how it can be with me.

So I took some coaching from my other sister who said I should try using all of my training for this area of my life. And you know the saying, it takes two to Tango? Well it actually only takes one. Me. I choose how I live my life and I choose to be angry or sad or lonely or happy or excited. I choose how I am with others. It's quite powerful!

One of the girls got up and spoke about humility tonight. She said if she had humility she wouldn't be up talking about it. HA! I love that.

Thanks

Absynth makes the heart grow fonder...

Ha, I'm sure it does and would not know from experience, but I do know that absence does.
And seeing my mom tonight just made me light up like a little girl inside. Outside I still remained a bit cautious waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it never did.
I told her how much better she seemed and she told me the doctors told her she does not have Alzheimer and all of the confusion is from her urinary tract infection and overdose of prendisone.
Now I can't honestly say if she's getting better or if it's just me and my new perspective of not being around her all the time.
She truly could be laying down a big carpet of BS unintentionally or it could actually be true.
Either way, as I sat at the table just enjoying her company for the first time in a while, I said to myself, it doesn't matter. Goofy, crazy, loony, ill, regal, beautiful, all of the above is my mom and I love her all the same.
Now living with her is a different story and I never signed on for that deal. My sister always said she was going to be the one and she doesn't have kids so it's perfect. I think where the integrity went out was when I didn't say I wasn't comfortable with having her live with me in the first place. I felt like I 'should', I would be an awful daughter if I didn't, it was my duty. Well guess what, I still looked like an awful daughter AND I took her in! HA! So if I could get a tattoo on my forehead it would say, TRUST YOURSELF!!!
I often step over my initial thoughts and trade them in for what 'should' I do thoughts or 'ought' to do or 'what's best for them' thoughts. True thoughts of an abused woman. Which I was when I was 13. And even though that was many years ago, my first reaction is from that old pattern created 27 yrs ago and it takes effort to not just go with it because it feels very quite comfortable and known.
So now in this stage of my life, 40, being oh so wise, tee hee, I want to be done with that crap.
Just trust myself and my intuition.
I loved being with my mom and seeing her in light that was loving and peaceful.
My gut says she is sick and this is all part of it and oh well!
She did say, "I know there are things I should be thanking you for because you took care of me but I can't remember." And I said, 'well I don't ever remember you wiping my butt, so we are even."
Love you mom.

Dancing in the minds eye

Well, The Devon Horse Show was a blast. Great meeting new people and having fun with people I sometimes only see once a year. It's a vacation every year. What I haven't done was let everyone else know its my vacation. And then can lead to people being upset. SO next year I will.

One of my requests on my bucket list was to be on the coach with Dr. Don during the cone competition. And it was fulfilled. It was awesome!!! And the only reason I know this man and his fabulous wife is because of my mom. And I got to be on the coach while in the ring of the Devon Marathon because I knew mom would be there and would be proud. She missed us. :( And I got to be on the coach while he won a very important class. I was honored!!
So I became a coach junkie as my one friend puts it!!

There was a lot of upset about my last blog. Regarding my family. And some felt like it was too much to share with everyone and some loved it. It gave me freedom and if I offended anyone please let me know personally or you can comment below, that's what it's for!!

Where things are now is I'm not speaking too my mom, brother or sister. At least not directly, through email and only in relation to mom.
This is new to me. I have always been pretty close with my one sister who lives here and I can't bare to even look at her, that's how angry I am. I'm usually not like this with them and frankly it's nice. I see it as a boundary. I have allowed them to treat me a certain way and now I'm done. In the middle of all of this is my mom and considering I haven't seen her or spoken to her since she left I cannot speak of how she's doing. I hear mixed reviews. I just want her to be safe and taken care of. Even if it means not being around me because I make her angry. I know it's not personal and I don't want to upset her.

"I wish you had a good man to take care of you" was said three times to me today.
What the hell is with that? It's now making me think. All of the men I've had haven't been good? I don't like men taking care of me? I get irritated with them? I can take care of myself? I'm not attracted to the good ones? The good ones are already taken?
So many things and I still have a conversation that there won't be one that loves me wholly and perfectly and I will love them back that way.

So I'm juicing again, only for three days this time. I wanted to give my body a break and get back into my old ways. I unfortunately fell back into some not so healthy habits!!
Day one -feeling pretty good. I noticed when something upset me I wanted to smoke or drink or both!! Geesh, I'm such an addict!!

Oh an I got to gallop a 2yr old colt today!! Soooo much fun!!

Dancing in the minds eye...

Cheers





I'm looking at what I'm attracted to in people. What are the qualities I admire and what I don't.

To set the record straight- fireflies and fairytales

While I was taking the trash out last night I saw my first firefly of the season. I was having a conversation to my mom at the time and I started to cry remembering the nights we would lay on the hammock and watch the lightening bugs and talk about life, death and happiness.

She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And I don't know if you have had any experience with this disease but I have not. And we didn't even find this out until last week and it has been almost two months since we started this journey. When I look back I can see it's been happening for a while. This has not been easy at all.

She's at my brothers and things are not well.

One Sunday afternoon after brunch at the Desmond and a nap she became very agitated at my house and it became worse. So it was a Tuesday that I asked my brother to come over and talk with her. The entire time she was at my house he never came over once. It wasn't until I made a frantic panic call that he felt like it was serious enough for him to come over.

So he went for a walk with her and then left. He called me later on that day and offered to take her to his house with the caveat that they have help. So I set it all up and brought her over on Weds. What I didn't know was that this was a whole scheme between my mom, (who is sick) and my brother (which I don't think he's been diagnosed but I think probably has multiple personality disorder. But I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know. And I just want to acknowledge that I'm blowing my own rule because I don't have my brother's permission to blog about him and I don't really care) to have mom escape from the awful, filthy, insane asylum called Megan's house.

Now mind you, I was taking my mom to doctors appointments if not everyday, then every other day. If we didn't go they came here. She had to do exercises and take her medicine and most importantly drink her water ( I know sounds funny, but she had a bladder infection and water is very important). She didn't like to do any of those things so she would get agitated and annoyed at me from time to time. So I had to deal with the fact that my mom was going to not like me anymore. I wrote about that earlier. But I did it because I love her and she needed my care.

She started to say things to me like I threw the remote control at her, or I wouldn't let her watch TV. When she said these things I started to get nervous and thought she could say anything if she wanted and in her mind she would believe it. So I made sure I wasn't alone with her and for the most part that worked out. And she was happier when I had others around, she enjoyed their company much more over mine anyway. Until, she didn't then I was awful and they were awful. Nothing had to happen to make this switch, just something in her mind. It's horrible to watch this and as a child you want to believe this will go away. And I know Kurt had in mind that we would be the one that would bring her back but in the meantime he abused me along the way. Putting me down for how I cared for mom. Telling me I abused her and I lived in filthy pit and should have never taken mom in. Now for those of you that have been to my house, I don't think filth would be the word to use eh? Maybe after a party, but that's it and that's just muss. I already mentioned the abuse thing, which unfortunately is all part of the illness. Now, did I argue with an Alzheimer patient? Was I short at times? Yup and yup. I got it, that doesn't work. Should I have never taken on this job? Perhaps, and what the hell else was I going to do? Say no to my sister who was leaving for Europe for two weeks and my brother who was dealing with bladder cancer? That would have been brilliant and probably would have saved our relationship.
But I didn't do that and now I'm very concerned for our family. We are fighting and taking sides and doing all of those things you hear about with families when wills aren't set in places or living wills aren't being followed.

So what's happening now is that I don't know if I will ever see my mother again because my brother is turning her against me and I'm fairly certain that I will never forgive my brother for his abusive actions towards me. It's actually not even forgiveness, it's more about me not putting myself in that situation. And considering he's not going to change I can't be around him. I know his rage and anger and I know why he has it and I know that under it all is a frightened little boy. And he doesn't really have too much of a choice considering the abuse he got while he was growing up. But he is not responsible for his actions and thinks it's everyone else fault for everything bad in his life. And I'm done being the brunt of it.

I'm shocked and appalled by the actions of my brother and his wife. I'm shocked and saddened and paralyzed with all of these emotions right now. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation.

I am depressed and am sick. I don't have a lot of power around this. I'm still reverting back to my childhood and thinking they are right. That I am an irresponsible child that can't take on anything right. It's not the truth and I know I'm not. I'm stuck in this whirlpool of the past and I must break free of it. It doesn't work!

I have fantastic friends, I just need to use them.

I'm creating being powerful and kick ass and a bitch!!

Peace

It all comes back around

I was in my kitchen on the phone with my sister in NY and I asked my mom to use a towel verses a paper towel because I don't like to waste them. And she says, "well if you can't afford a paper towel then you should get a job". If you read my last blog I said I was taking on being playful and light today so I kinda laughed and said "it's not because I can't afford them, it's because I like to save the trees". And she looked at me very seriously and nasty said, " get a job".

So later in the evening as I'm making a cake for Luke's 10th Birthday tomorrow and we were alone listening to music I decided to let her know how that comment hurt me. And she told me in a very sarcastic way to get over it!! And then I figured since tonight might be the last time she will be staying here I should just let it roll. So I told her that this visit was a failure and I was so upset how we were with each other and I apologized for how this whole thing went down and that I was only trying to take care of her and protect her because I love her. And I got, "I'm going to bed on that note!" I asked her not to but she walked right away. Then I got nasty and said, "no wonder..." as she was walking out of the room. What I meant by that is, no wonder she's a lonely nasty bitch and so am I!!!

Then I cried my eyes out alone.

It became so clear to me how many relationships I have been in have been exactly like that.
I can only go so far in the conversation before I get shut out!! Then I'm the one being a nasty, begging bitch. I'm so tired of that. There's obviously something I get out of this interaction because it plays over and over. Not so much in relationships anymore because I have stayed away from them. And I have been with some nasty mo fuckers. Either I think I can change them and make them Mr. Wonderful and look really good or I can look like the victim and again, look really good!!

I'm so scared to death to get into a relationship it's crazy. I'm scared to get to that place again and have to accept that I picked a crappy one again.
I'm very strong in many areas of my life, but not this one yet!!

And with that interaction with my mom, it became quite clear where I got it from. I usually haven't experienced first hand though and this is where the tears of sadness comes from.
There was a time when I a little one and I remembered the vision of my mom being the bestest thing ever and she could do no wrong and then I saw that evil and said to myself, "you better be good or she won't like you". So for years I have been playing that good girl around her and others!!

I'm scared to death to tell people how I feel because I'm afraid they won't like me and I HAVE to be liked! Crazy!! But accurate. And it's been like watching my life on the TV, instead of being in it. I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Actually, I had to do interviews with 20 people in my life and almost all of them said they can count on me for straight and honest conversations. But that's only because I realize the fear isn't real and can walk through my fear with courage. Not as much with men yet. Still working on that one and I have taken some bold moves for me this year! And will continue to do so!!

It's all perfect and my mom is leaving here tomorrow. She's going to stay with my brother which I think will be a good for him to experience all of what it takes to care for her. And he has a wife to help out too. And three young kids...d'oh!! Good luck brother!! And it's good for me to get a break!!

I got to be here for her when she really needed it. I got to bath her and dress her and feed her and love her. I also got to watch her throw the 'Easy' button at my son and see the confusion and sadness in his eyes. And be the brunt of her aggravation and pride. And cry with her in moments of clarity when she's scared to death with what's happening to her own life and be a space of comfort. I have had many experiences that I have never done before.
I stumbled through it but overall I'm glad I had this chance.

I wish that someday she could read all of this because I know we could laugh and cry about it. I told her about the throw mama from the train blog and she laughed in recognition but I don't think that's ever going to happen again so you reading this will have to do and I'm so grateful to be able to do that!! So thank you so much for your amazing energies that keep me alive!!!

There is always light in every situation, I'm just starting to see it!!!

PEACE

I know!!!!

I know that everyday is kinda like groundhog day and each day is a new one and I can create it differently. And I know that the circumstances in my life are just that...circumstances and none of it is really real. And I know that it all depends on my perspective to how the day will go. And most importantly, I know that knowing of this doesn't make a bit of fucking difference when your in it!!!

This has got to be the one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like I'm being tested at every moment and I feel like I'm failing at every moment too. I don't really like this experience of failing. And I know that failure is wanted and needed in life to show me who I am and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

I want to embrace this moment and feel it and yet I have found every way to avoid it and not do what I know to do that will make me flourish!!
This experience has got me instead of me getting it.
I feel powerless and out of control.
Again, not a fan!!

I want to run and juice and do yoga and be selfish and go to California where its warm and everything is new, instead of creating that here and now.
I have wonderful people in my life and I'm hiding from them.
I'm extremely sad and angry that I'm sad.
I don't want to be powerful in this situation and would much rather that someone else come in on their magic carpet and fix it all.

So far as I can tell that aint gonna happen and I'm IT!!!
Ugh! Guess that's better than NOT being it.

I'm seeing how the past of how my family sees me is right there and I haven't done the work with my family to have them see me in a different way.
They see me as this messed up, irresponsible child that can't do it.

I will never forget a Landmark Forum Leader named Angie saying to me when I was taking on something way bigger than I thought I was able to do that I would have to get through me seeing myself as an 'I can't'. I had to prove her wrong and me right and fail at that job.

Well I'm back here again. Groundhog day! I'm saying 'I can't'.
I know I can but to be very honest about it, I don't want to and frankly I shouldn't have to.
The true warts of it all. Uff!

This isn't the way my life is 'suppose' to go! Oh the arrogance of it all!
Mom is 'suppose' to be a healthy, stubborn, proud beautiful woman until the day she dies.
Not what she is now!

Each day when I awake and see her I am faced with my own humanity.
I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to be a burden on my family. And even though she wasn't being that, I have know turned her into that.

What happened?? If I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, what happened that I have turned her into a monster??

I can only think that her illness has said some thing that I have perceived as very painful and hurtful. And she is now a threat to my humanity and considering I am a species of survival I must make her the enemy.

And I'm holding on to that and isn't disgusting. I am losing precious moments with her each day. No wonder she is failing in my presence. I am not being a support to her at all. Instead I'm blaming her for something she's, for the most part not even aware of what she's saying or doing.

So since it's Groundhog day, I have a new chance to be her champion and have her win today!!

Why not, what else am I gonna do? Just feel sorry for myself and make her and everyone else in my life miserable? I could, because that's what I have been doing but if I could choose another way to be, perhaps I could give that a shot and see what happens eh?

Maybe being playful and like the postmaster said to me today, "take it light" that might make the day a bit different!

Wish me luck!!
Cheers

Johnny and June

I'm thinking that the relationship I want is a picture of these two. They had to travel through some mucky shit and then they agreed to be everything for each other. Including their undying love. And everything in between, which I'm learning that all of that is actually what it is. The messy shit, the lovely shit...all of the shit and if you're madly into someone it doesn't seem like shit. I've been doing it all wrong, coming across as Ms. Nice girl. Guess what? Like you all don't know...I'm a bitch. And I can rock your world and will be the biggest supporter you have ever known AND won't take your BS AND it's only game if you won't take my BS.

I'm a strong, independent woman that's looking for a full fledged partner. I'm thinking that either that I haven't been honest about that or I scare men. I can be scary, but my bark is worse than my bite. All I'm looking for is a man who can play that part.

What is that part?
It means be in communication about your life and mine. Be interested. Be fun. Smile an awful lot cause your happy as shit. Be inspirational to yourself and to me. Be real, it's all good if you're going through stuff, just tell me. We are partners in everything. Think outside of the box. Be curious. Be courageous. Give grace to humanity, including mine and yours. Be kind. Just tell me...did I say that already :) Communication is so important. Integrity is important. Be on time. Make me feel like I'm the queen. And I will make you feel like the queen too...haha! Oh yeah, you have to be open sexually too. And if your not, we can talk all about it. :) But don't apply if your really not. Be willing to life. Be a Yes to life. Know how to dance and loves doing it. Be social. Be well educated. Have much fun. Wants to give everything to everyone. Be loving. Unless you're doing something, say YES. Love and respect your parents. Must love my kids and my animals or least not allergic to them. Must be passionate about something in their lives. And at some point must have do the Landmark Forum, preferably before our first date.
And I would like to add not a butta face!!! HAHA -oh did I mention have a sense a humor?
Good hygiene. Don't just live paycheck to paycheck...must have something else cooking. Speaking of cooking, again, must be willing to be open to juicing, vegetarian and raw. And the environment, cannot be a Toll's Brother!! :) And would be open to moving or at least open to the conversation.

OK so here's the start, not too much really!! I don't say must love mustard!!!

I'm just looking for my Johnny Cash!!!

WTF!!!

Ha -great title eh?
That's how I feel right now and have been for the past few days. This is a whole shit load of stuff I'm dealing with.
I'm bummed I have been thrown off my raw and bikram kick. Caring for my mom has not been easy.
I have lost her handbag and ruined her phone. What are my actions saying?
I am resentful and I really hate that I am.
I'm resenting that she's not well and no one is getting her better.
I am resentful that I have to dramatically alter my life to fit hers.
I am resenting my sister for going away at a time like this, even though I told her to go.
I am resenting certain people in my life for not being her for me like I thought they would.
I'm shocked that her friends haven't stepped up to the plate, not even her "friend" Bob. I invited him out today and he didn't accept my offer.
I'm resentful that my mom has led such an independent life.
And I'm scared to death that will be me some day!!!!

I watch my mom and I am constantly reminded of my own humanity. And alone with no one but my children. I will not put this burden on my kids. Either because I will go out doing what I love; sex, traveling, riding, or something outrageous like being shot for standing up for something righteous and new. Or I will have plans for my future.

I have been awkwardly silenced by her illness. Which I don't like. I am suppressed. And what do I do when I'm suppressed??
Eat, Drink, Smoke...not exactly Eat, Pray, love!!
I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself.

And I'm using this as an excuse to continue this behavior and trust me it's not wrong, I did it for years and was quite happy, it's just doesn't work for me at this time in my life or perhaps in moderation, which BTW has NOT worked for me in the past but the past doesn't dictate who I am now right?? SO I coudl very well be health raw girl and fabu tailgate girl all in one and in moderation. I have no idea what that looks like.

I want a creative, loving relationship where I can get kinky and be completely fulfilled with so much love other people around us will be sick. HAHA!! I want a partner who is up for it all!! I don't want to be alone anymore.
Any takers??

Cheers

Throw mama from the train...

So she got here at 8:30pm and we were fighting by 10pm. This was after she threw the "That was Easy" button at Luke. Yeah that doesn't work. And I think she's coherent enough to know that her baby is reprimanding her and that doesn't work either, so she fights me and gets really nasty.

I have hard time being with nasty. So perhaps this is a good thing for me. I don't like it in me or others. I go back to when I was young and everyone in my family was teasing me, except for Carol and my mom would never do anything about it. I felt so betrayed, alone, and misunderstood and really not loved or protected. And I've been interacting with my family now just like that upset 7yr old, except I have a lot more words to express myself. A lot of nasty words. WOW -I'm just seeing this unravel right now. I have gone back in to this dynamic and my siblings aren't respecting me or listening to me (experience of being teased) and my mom is not only protecting me but has become one of them, the ultra experience of betrayal.

WOW -So I could keep this going and eventually piss off my friends, trying to convince them how right I am and what a victim I am of my fucked up family.
Or I could create something brand new like, being a powerful leader for the health and well being of my family. I forgot that I created this a while back. HA! Once I was asked, whats the best thing about forgetting? Remembering."

I love my mama and now I don't wanna throw her from the train!!

You don't bring me flowers

I don't have anyone to bring me flowers.

My mom used to play this song over and over during her divorce. I was 10 or so during this time. I became a Neil Diamond/ Barbara Streisand fan, I'm not bragging, trust me!!! But I felt what she was feeling.

Today at the hospital she said, "your dad just walked by". He died 3 yrs ago.

She's coming home tomorrow!! I 'should' be happy but I'm not. She's not the same person. Yes it might be temporary. I hope it is and in the meantime she's with me. And my mom 'should' be the mom I know her to be. And she's not. This just sucks!!

She's the one who tells me the difference between lays and lies. And even in her oddness, she corrected me today with Pinks and not Scarlet's. I can't live with out her even while she's here.
Looking at her mail, she has her Philadelphia Orchestra tickets. I have more to learn from her.
This isn't fair. I'm trying to bring play to this situation as much as possible. Maybe I should take more LSD to be on her plane. That's funny. She has always been very open to my psychedelic drug use but I thought it was only to be able to relate to me more. That's all she really wants.

For many years I hated her, of course this was in my teenage years, in my 20's I silently admired her, in my 30's I researched her, now in my 40's I adore her.

Even in this state she worries how she looks. She's my only connection to my childhood. The only reason I love horses is because of her. I know I might not always show it but she taught me my manners and I am who I am because of her. I can go anywhere and be fabulous because of her. She's not the normal human being. She's an extraordinary human being.

We used to lie in bed talking about death. I was about 6 or so and I liked to scare myself and think about what it would be like when everyone was gone and she would take me the scary side and then give me hugs and say, "don't worry yourself of that sort of stuff, that it would be a long time before that would happen." Then we would talk about the stars and the universe.
My mom and I would never talk small stuff.
Thank God.

I'm scared to have her in my life in a different way. It could be good. But why am I, the youngest suppose to be the one?

I'm dealing with my title of the youngest one.
I'm irritated that my siblings don't respect me. And that they have a listening for me as irresponsible. Which, trust me, in the past I have lived up to. But I'm not anymore and they still look at me like that. Because, I have kept them at arm distance, I can see my responsibility in this picture. And I am the only responsible for this...grrrr. I wish I could blame them!!

I am going through it right now and would love to move out West tomorrow. Ha!
I'm brilliant at running. No more.

I'm here.

When my time comes...

It's all part of the journey eh? Well today was a rough ride and it was piggy backed on yesterdays rough ride. Usually I can shake a funky day but since I have been back I have been wondering if it would be running away from my problems if I moved away. And I came up with yes and no.
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years. More than most and less than some. And I like to surround myself around like minded people and for the most part I have and there is still a gap.
I wonder if it can be created here where I am or in a different area where there are more people who are like me. AND thats another thing, one thing does NOT define me. I enjoy so many things that seems to land on both sides of the scales.
So then where do I find it all??
I am it all and I love who I am.

Raw: I made dehydrated kiwi, mango and strawberries gummies today. They were good and the dehydrator kicks ass!!

Mom: Good news, she most likely has Prendisone Psychosis, which means it's reversible but it's going to take some time!! So hopefully, mama will be back!! I can't wait!!

Peace

Build a roomie....like build a bear!! HA!

Cool eh? Sounds good to me. So here's what I have come up with so far.

A man between 30 and 40, perhaps even a single dad and his kid could hang here too or he has to love kids. He's into communal living and has had some experience with it. He's educated in the area of sustainable living and eats a deliberate healthy diet. Practices yoga and is interested in alternative practices in general. Is active and creative, polite, grounded, passionate, respectful and kind. And has to be willing to be a yes in life. Hmm, is that just a roommate?

As far as the raw today -I ate raw, I bought a boat load of it, I juiced but I didn't make anything new today. I'm finding it a challenge to get everything, manage my life and make food. SO theres the gap. Awesome! I'm sure I will fail many times before its a natural thing. Thank goodness for failure, it shows us what to look at!

My mom -a tough day for me it was. We don't have any answers yet and that can be frustrating. Just watching her in this coma state is tough. She's such a vibrant, passionate, happy, wonderful woman -this isn't the woman I know.
And I'm having troubles being with my family. At times I wish I was an only child. I love my siblings but I allow them to interact with me in such a way that doesn't work and I do this because I don't like confrontations, especially in times like these but actually I was thinking this may be the perfect time for it and maybe what mom wants. Ha! There are opportunities all of the time right? And I have always been the one in the family to talk about that elephant in the room at very unusual times. I'm tired of thinking there is something wrong with me being that way!! No more excuses, no explanations!!

No more explaining!! I love that! I can be responsible with this too, it's not like I'm going to hold up the 7-11 and say F you!! HA! It means i don't have to make excuses for who I am to anyone, or explain my actions. If there are people in my life who don't know that I'm coming from love, honor and respect, obviously they aren't that important to me. Or they don't want to let me in!!
And thats OK!!

Build a roomie -raw struggles -mommy dreams -family nightmares -no explanations!!

Much Love

Megan And Juliano and Joel

First to tell you a brief background. Joel is a friend of mine who I met a year ago in a Landmark Seminar. One of my best girlfriends became friends with him and they started the Catalyst Cleanse company in oh about a month. And it's kicking ass now!
He used to make raw food for Dr Oz. who I still have never seen but I know is someone who is respected. Anyway, he knows his shit in the Raw world. He has been making juice and raw food for me for the past year. Thanks Joel!!
Juliano, I met on my last trip out to California. I looked up a raw food restaurant on my iPhone and his place came up in Santa Monica, Planet Raw and I fell in love with his food. He happened to be there so I talked with him about the juicing world. So I bought his book and have now decided to make a recipe a day for the next thirty days.

With all of that being said, I kicked ass the first day and stocked my fridge with everything one would need to live a raw diet. I made like five recipes with Christian and it was so much fun and the food was great. We also built a dehydrator out of a box fan and screens, with it I have made Kale chips and really good flax seed crackers. Thanks to Christian and his boyish ways, we also came up with flax seed lube which we promptly gave as a gag gift to our friend Mike for his birthday and it might turn out not to be such a gag. LOL!!
Grocery shopping used to be a nightmare for me, I used to love the Clash's song 'All lost in the Supermarket' cause that was me. But NO MORE!!
I'm a queen in the market.
I am missing my sidekick though!! I miss having someone here to banter with and go shopping with and garden with etc...I am looking for a replacement, actually that will never happen, so what I'm looking for is someone who bring something to the house that is unique and adds to it and my community. The only requirement is that they speak with Christian for an interview, he knows exactly whats up!!!
Back to the raw: so I made many things and I'm finding that it takes something to prepare your food every day. I'm having a tough time doing that with all I have going on and it's because of all of this going on that I'm doing this anyway, so the two complement each other well. I cannot forget that.
My mom is in the hospital and we are working on what the cause of this craziness is. My brother has bladder cancer and is fighting that and all that goes with the TB treatments and gout and ick!! And my niece is in the hospital with kidney stones and problems passing them.
I hate that my family isn't well right now. So i'm trying to keep myself well so I can be present with them and a support for them.
Although I had a bit of a break this past weekend. I just have to be mindful of my partying at these upcoming events. I can tend to drink a bit too much and then all thoughts and actions of health go right out the window. And for me and the Lyme Disease I have to take it easy or else I will get sick.
But to compare how my body feels on a all of the time raw or juicing diet vs. most of the time, it's easy, my body and mind rocks while eating raw and it's foggy when I'm not. I for the most part don't have digestive issues when eating raw or juicing and have so much energy.
So with that being said, I will be going to the market to fetch myself some veggies and get my raw on!! I will share some of these recipes from time to time as well.
I'm quite tired and am going to bed!!
Peace and Love to all!!

Tree of life -humor me!!

Well I'm back from my trip, off my cleanse and am grounded in whats here for me.
I ate raw mostly my entire trip! No meat and no alcohol!!
Everywhere I went I found either a place that juiced for me or was raw or at least vegan.
Now this is coming from someone who was eating lamb for Christmas dinner with lots and lots of yummy red wine. Now I don't mind all of that, except there is a lot of unhealthiness in my family at the moment and I want to keep myself clear.

I am dealing with some things that I never thought I would be dealing with. I guess because I figured my sister would take on full responsibility of caring for my mom, why? Because I'm the youngest and she doesn't have any children, plus she always said she was going to.
Well that's not the case and we are making a fabulous team, because it does take a village.
I'm so grateful to have her.

This is so very disturbing to watch a woman who I have mostly always ( excluding my teens :) honored, adored and loved, talk about pulling monsters out of her sons stomach and want to keep her loafers on for bed when she's not wearing any shoes.
So I've decided to play with her and tell her when I'm about ready to drive her to the corner and drop her off and leave her there. We both giggle at that. So when I'm at my wits end I come up with humor to calm the beast. And it works!

I'm honored that she is comfortable here with me and that I can be the one for her.
And even though she isn't making sense in this reality, perhaps somewhere else she is and who am I to disagree. She's my mom and I love her no matter what, even though I wanted to give her a whirly bird tonight and told her so!! She made a funny face and laughed.

Oh and this has brought up the conversation with Taylor about how she's going to be with me when I get older!! It's quite funny! And Luke is being such the gentleman about the whole thing. He is letting her scold him about his table manners and allowing her to steal his chips, he's granting her being!! And they fight! HA!

I'm off to bed...Bikram at 5:30am!
Also, the new journey is...
I will be making raw food for the next 30 days! One new raw meal each day!
And blogging about the experience!!
Ride on!! Ride on!!
Also, side note...LOVED Joshua Tree!! What a sacred place!
Peace

DAY 30!!! HOLY MOLY!!!

What a fantastic ride!
I lost somewhere around 12 to 15lbs.
I quit adderall -'Prolonged high doses of amphetamines followed by an abrupt cessation can result in extreme fatigue and mental depression.'
I am more clear and more full of energy then I ever have been on it. I was off and on it for three years and the long term affects of this drug are not nice!!
No alcohol or caffeine for over a month and I enjoy waking up in the morning clear and ready to get my day started.
Since I began this cleanse I started a new yoga practice, started my training in homeopathy with horses, started to care for my mother, have had conversations with people in my life that I have altered my future. And have also altered old family relationships that seemed stuck as they were.
My clothes are folded, my laundry consistently done and folded. My office cleaned up, my bills mostly paid on time, there is still a part of my entitlement that likes to play the game of not paying my bills, crazy but true. My kids are settled and their future is pretty set for schooling and their schedules set for the summer.
i have never been so efficient!!! HAHA! Love it!
Next thing to really take on...an intimate, long term relationship. I started this journey and have been dating. There is one who I have a main interest in and am having fun playing with him. And I have been looking at some of my scoundrel ways that I be in relationships..oh boy!
Well what's next?
Love, family, health, financial freedom.
Stay tuned...
:)

Day 26!!! King Wallace the 3rd

AKA -Wally, the runt of the litter from Mrs. Zimmerman's Jack Russell's. I picked him out because he had the marking that was in the shape of a heart on the side of his body and I had no idea he was the runt. I was the runt then too! We scooped him up and off we went and to meet his side kick, Master Briggs, a scruffy, welsh terrier mix. So there you have it, Briggs and Wally, like Tom and Jerry, Ozzie and Harriet.
Wally had short little legs and obviously did not come from proper racing stock. But my mom insisted that we shove this little guy into a box with several long legged, papers to impress dogs and our little guy would run like the wind, as hard as he could. He might get a third or fourth or nothing at all but he could care a less. Again, its all about the journey. I learned a lot from that mighty dog. He would go after any size critter and he would never back down even if it could get him killed.
I'm an awful lot like that.
I can be one stubborn mama. That's for sure!!

I had a very emotional day with my mom today. She's sad and depressed and having a hard time expressing it.
To me it would be like being buried alive.
We have a neuropsychologist coming to the house tomorrow to doing an evaluation on her and she's having an MRI as well.
More will be revealed.
Please enjoy your loved ones right now!!
Just a few days ago she was not like this.
I knew that day at Radnor Hunt that we were all together for a reason!!
I wish I had taken a family photo!!
Grrrr!

Much love!!

Day 25! And the ex!

You know when you hear your ex is back in town or you know you will see them somewhere? Well today was one of those days.
We had met a few years ago and didn't get involved until last May. It was fun, wild and a true mess. The two of us together was just silly and more about convenience than anything.
We had ended things in January and it was all very copacetic. I hadn't given much thought to seeing him again. Until... I heard he was coming up and I got irritated, like this town ain't big enough for the two of us! HA! I felt like I was obligated to tell him what I had been up to in my life and frankly I didn't want to and I was pissy that I HAD to.
Now the funny thing is I was really wrapped up that somehow I was obligated and how dare he want to know this information and blaa blaa blaa. I have to say this poor guy never asked a thing from me either. I was making all of this up on my own and of course with my chosen girlfriend to bounce this off of.
All and all I used up about 2 hrs of time thinking about this over the course of the week. And when the time came to see him today, I had completely forgotten that he was going to be here plus I hadn't heard from him. I was also very, very, late and almost didn't show up...huh, interesting.
So as I'm walking through the field, I see him and my first reaction was funny and I said aloud, "oh shit!" and was surprised with this reaction. Then I stopped being 13 and strolled up to him and gave him a big hug and was happy to see him.

The rest of the day, I spent the time catching up with him and our friends. And it was all perfect. I didn't feel obligated and was free to share with him everything I was up to, even who I'm dating. It was the relationship I actually always wanted to have with him but at some point it took a left turn and I didn't direct it back.
It's just so funny how nutty I can get over boyz...still!! HAHA!

I'm still feeling amazing!! I am planing my next 30 days and what's next!
A few new things have been added and I will blog about those later!!!
Peace

24 and so much more...

Yoga -horses -raw food -juicing -mother earth -love - oh my!!

I was honored to find out today that some of the work I have done within the environmental field is being used to forward some local actions.
'They' say it's about the journey not the destination, well I agree with 'they'. I enjoyed everyday surveying the Crum Creek, even in the cold rain and being followed by slithering critters and bugs and ticks of plenty. And to know that it will provide everyone who lives on it, uses it, is it... is fantastic!!
As I was picking up trash in an old dump this morning, I had a lot of time to think about my life...

I used to think something was wrong with me because I don't stick to one thing exclusively.
I mean that's what you do no? Grow up, stop playing, do well in school, get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, have grand kids, retire in Florida and die. Hopefully you will have lived a successful life and by that I mean made a shit load of money that you can give to your kids.
Now that's passionate living eh?
Not to me!
To some it very well may be and I'm not knocking it for a second because if this lights you up then I love it!!
I love passion and for me this was not it! Out of that list, I have the degree and the kids. I'm passionate about both! And I was passionate about my marriage until my husband wanted an annulment the next day. Not kidding, another blog for another day! HA!
And I loved my careers. Still do as a mother. I was a rocking hair stylist and a kick ass environmental biologist.
And I just love my new one as a responsible hedonist because I can play all of those roles and so much more!!

I realize as I'm honoring my calling as a visitor to this place, that it's always been perfect, all of it and it's perfect now, all of it!!

I'm falling in love more and more each day with my life and everyone in it!!

Fuck Yeah!!

Cheers

Jai Bhagwan

Day 22 -my favorite number -oh JOY!!

I'm noticing all of my triggers to eat, drink, and smoke.
They include situations that appear to be out of my control or not by my choice.
It's all perception right? I mean none of this is true or real right?
So let's have a great time along the way!
Even though there are things that don't make you want to laugh or play, somewhere there is a golden light to it all!!
My body feels and looks amazing, inside and out!!
Loving it!!!
I'm loving my friends, my family and my community.
I want everyone in my life to thrive in whatever brings them joy!
If they aren't thriving, I don't thrive, we all lose.
I want us to all win, together supporting each other and making a difference for the world.
Why else are we here??
What will be your impact?
Mine will have something to do with having people become aware of their joy.
Nite

I think day 21 -and Phil F.

Phil F. was my first boyfriend. We met at the Gold Cup in a Sept at Devon. I was 13, he was 16. He had blond hair, chiseled facial structure, beautiful blue eyes and sexy as all hell!! And he was smart, sweet and so kind and he was a good christian boy, so he was very appropriate with me. Thinking back now, what the hell was my mom thinking?? HAHA -just kidding because if you knew me, it was perfect. All the girls were so jealous of him at school because he was that cute and he used to pick me up in a restored 67 light blue Chevy, AND he was super nice!! I really gave my whole 13 yr old heart to him -HAHA -but really I did. We dated for two years off and on and that's pretty serious for that age. I really thought I would be marrying him and live happily ever after.
Then something happened, then happened again that young hearts can't usually deal with and we broke up. I remember sitting in my room with my purple light on listening to The Thompson Twins, Hold Me now, crying my guts out to the point I thought I was going to throw up. Oh puppy love!! I remember saying to myself I will never give my heart to a man like that again!!
I really never have either. All from a decision I made when I was 16 years old. Kinda silly when you think of it yet we live like that's real. Another thing I'm done with now and that's guarding my heart. I'm gonna live and love like each day is my last!!
This cleanse has been very powerful!! I'm going through all of it! Today, the pull to have a chocolate chip muffin and a latte was powerful!! Comfort food, that unfortunately turns my stomach afterward.
Good news with mama, she has a severe bladder infection which make old people go fruity!!
I'm elated. First, to know that I will have my mama back soon and second, it's not easy taking care of your parents.
Life is FABU!!!

Day 20 and my daughter -HA!!

First off, day 20 and on is an emotional time in this cleanse. Your body gets down to the cellular level and this is where memories of the past are stored evidently. I figured this wouldn't happen to me cause I'm tough! Geeze! So today I wake up with a major allergy sinus deal!! I'm in pain and my mind is going through the rolodex of ways to escape and numb myself out. Yes, I'm taking a bath now instead!
I remember clearly one day, one moment when I was 6 yrs old and I was playing in my room, it was mid afternoon in the summer and I happily playing alone with my horses and dolls and I heard my dad come in the house downstairs and call upstairs for me, my brother or my mom. I didn't answer. Instead i got into my closet and sat under the light with the string hanging down from it. I put a pretend clear but very strong bubble around myself. I will never forget this and I said to myself as I crouched down in the fetal position, "he will never get me!" That was the moment I decided something was wrong here in my happy little world and started to protect myself from people mostly by being so dang cute you would never hurt me!!!

So I'm noticing how much I use food as that bubble of protection. Men wont find me attractive if I'm heavy which keeps me safe and in the moment it feels so good. Food has never been something I did for pleasure. It has mostly been a punishment for something.
F that!!
I'm so done with that!! I love food and my body is a shrine of goodness and I'm going to treat it as such!!

So my baby is 18!! WOW! What the hell does that mean? Not a damn thing, just that she's 18 and I love her more and more each day!
Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

Day 19 and my mom

My mom is now not doing well and is disoriented. Perhaps due to old age but more probable to the Prendisone she's on. I think she's taking way too much of it and she's over dosing herself because my mom is wacky, where do you think I get it from, but she's being so much more that it's frightening. She can sometimes comprehend and other times not at all. I love her so much and she is one tough cookie!! I'm so proud of everything she has taught me.
I am who I am because of her!! Whether it was due to doing the opposite of what she wanted just because I had to prove a point or it was due to wanting to impress her or make her proud, all the time it has always been her!! We grew up together. One day she told me she learned so much from me, hesitantly I asked what. "Boys, Sex, Music and Drugs" I kid you not!! I was kinda expecting an answer like that! We have fought ferociously , cried until we were empty and laughed until we peed our pants!! She has been one of my best friends and to see her frightened just kills me!!
We have gone through the laying in bed crying because we thought she was going to die to being so happy that she made it back from Multiple Myloma, which not many do. And to see her in this state of unawareness is tough. On one hand I should enjoy it cause she always has the answers and will fight you tooth and nail until she remembers she is wrong! I might be able to win a disagreement! HA!
Actually she is so cute, tonight when I got back from the game she was telling me about how Luke loves a good debate, again, don't know where in the world he gets that from ;) and he starts one with her about Jade our dog and why the tape on the bottom of her foot should remain there even though shes whining and can't get it off and she tells me she leans down to him and in a deep and frankly nasty voice that you might only speak to a horse getting ready to kick you, tells him to remove the tape NOW. Now of course he does it and she can't understand why he won't talk to her to the rest of the night. So I explain that Luke will speak to someone just like he is spoken to by them. She stops, cocks her head and shrugs and says, "well I'm still learning everyday" Even in that fogginess she totally got it! She is still my mama in any state and I love her!! I just have to get used to her being in this state! I'm grateful I can be here for her and support her during these times. It's all perfect!!

Day 19 and as we grow

Day 18 -and ugh I want to EAT!!

I'm wondering why I'm doing this today! As I awoke with a major allergy attack, I did NOT want to deal with the JUICE!! And my house mate and his girlfriend are having bagels, lox and cream cheese and mimosas and it's Sunday!! I didn't break! Although I was extremely tempted. So I have to say, why am I doing this? If this is the journey what is the meaning? Am I being responsible or obsessed? How much is too much and when do I stop? When I said I would? Why do I keep going or do I stop early? Will I ever be happy with my body no matter what my weight or do I always have something to prove? Is that being on the edge creating something new or am I just hard on myself? These are questions I have right now!! I'm gonna watch United States of Tara and and at least I don't have that issue!! Or do I?? HA!

Day 15, 16 and 17 and Awareness

Over half way there!!! It's not too bad except for the once n awhile cravings for my Wawa cheese hoagie with hot peppers, chips, diet root beer and to top it off a tasty pint of some yummy ice cream. HAHA! SO other than that and the occasional, "I want it and I deserve this and whaaaa's" I'm pretty good! After all for a responsible hedonist , this shit is tough!!

One of the things I heard out of assisting for the Landmark Forum yesterday was how deserving I am and as long as I play the role of poor widow who had a terrible thing happen to her. So if you had my life you deserved to be an irresponsible hedonist!! After all life shouldn't be this tough!! Woes me!! Ugh! DISGUSTING!!! HA! But still in my eating habits there is a touch of that!! "I deserve to eat what I want all of the time and I shouldn't have to worry!! Daddy, I want to goose that lays the golden egg!!" Isn't great when you can laugh at the ickiness of our humanity. So I get a lot mileage out of that entitled way of being, but when I look at what it has cost me, it's just not worth it anymore.

Had an almost, could be meltdown the other day regarding my lovely little judgmental voice in my head, you know that voice, the one that really never says automatically, you are so beautiful or you are perfect the way you are, every little aspect of yourself is judged and ruled by that little voice and it's never wrong is it?? Hmmm.... That one.

So since I started this cleanse I have been weighing myself on this old rinky dinky scale that says, I have lost about 8 -10 lbs. Little voice say's "yeah, cause you better lose weight with everything you are doing, you would be an idiot if you didn't -whats this whole thing for anyway! geesh!"
So my "Self" decides to weigh in on the very accurate Wii Fit and says I lost maybe 3-5 lbs at the most!! Litttle voice screams "WTF!!!, you are fricking kidding me right, what the hell have you been doing?? You can't do anything right, you idiot, you schmoo....blaa blaa"

Despite that I have quit my Adderal for ADD -legal speed- which keeps you thin and rots your teeth and suppresses your nervous system and other major ugly things and it's been 3 months since I've quit smoking and was on major doses of antibiotics for the bite and the infection in my foot, all which automatically makes the body stock up in pounds.
NOOOOO, none of that was taken into account until 5mins after. Thank God for Christian and great friends who have done the Landmark Forum, I just love, love their perspective!!
He brought all of the later to my attention and then I was comforted by the fact that this is all a journey and I have fully participating.

I have bought books for myself and Luke to learn about food and how it affects our body.
I'm also building a an above ground garden (better for my back) and am going to use the philosophy more than ever of using my local farms.

I think I have met my match with Sounder too. He is teaching me patience. I am forced to be still and balanced with him. It's like doing a yoga class on his back. Which is really what riding is but I have been riding these gentle giants who just take care of me and auto correct for my mistakes but so much is missed out for me with that too. The connection and feeling is compromised. So I'm loving this challenge! Thanks N! I love being back with you too, if your reading this!! So great that two old friends can get together and be right back where they left off and even more!!

All is well in my life except I am terribly concerned for the health of my brother. He has bladder cancer and the treatments haven't been working and have been making him sick too!!
I want him to heal!!! Please send out loving, healing thoughts to him!!
Thanks,
Love to all!!

Day 14 and Ninja riding -ha!

I feel like the Reverend Run -from Run DMC, I think that is his name. I say this because I mostly blog in my tub!! It's funny! And if you have ever seen his shows on MTV, Run's House, he blogs in his tub at the end of every episode or is it before, I can't remember.
So today is day 14 of juicing and I feel pretty damn good.
I stopped taking my ADD medicine too! It's always felt like a contradiction for me. I really feel fantastic!! And very focused!
This has broken up some major patterns for sure and I've started some newer healthy ones.

Blogging...Facebook...Formspring...Twitter and I'm sure there are many more places to speak your mind and get to know some wild things about yourself and your friends.
I love it as you know and I'm starting to see the downsides of them.
We have a new form of communication now and just like anything new, the kinks have to be worked out.
I have recently been put into the middle of some non nonsensical drama bullshit on both Facebook and Formspring and even though I've been told to 'get over it' I guess there is something keeping it alive for me so I figured here is as good as any place to speak my mind!!
I woke up pissed off! Drove like a madman to yoga, funny right? listening to B'52's Rock Lobster.
I had a hard time focusing in Yoga, of course but felt much more relaxed and much less angry.

So here it goes....if I offend anyone I apologize now and if you need to speak with me after you read this then please do.
Oh and this is for Sandra Bullock too and all famous people out there who take a secret bite of a twinkie then blamo your on the front cover of People saying you have a fat ass!!

Quit your evil, hating judgmental bullshit and leave me the fuck out of your petty life! And if your life is so small and meaningless that you have to talk about me you must be so damn bored, because I'm not that interesting!! Thanks for the ego boost though!! I know you are reading this. I share my life with you with the intentions of inspiring you in your life and spreading goodness around not negative energy.
So if you don't like it then don't follow my life, I surely don't follow yours if this is what you do with it.
And if your gonna fuck scanky tatted up biatches when you have a glamorous movie star wife, you're a fuckin idiot!! At least have an agreement with your wife then you can have it all, or is that not fun then??? (that's for Sandra -ha!)
Grrrrr!!! Shall I go on?

Don't blog about people without their permission and certainly don't use their names!! Ugh!!

And to all of the men -WAKE UP!! You are not the only one out there, you might want to consider you will have to do a little work to get a girl to notice you.
And women - DON'T SETTLE!! No wonder men are unsure, when we settle we tell and do one thing but secretly feel another. It sucks to settle! Go for your dream!

And what's with the little black ants!!!! :):):)

And salt water flushes -OMG!! I wish I knew before I did it!!

Oh yeah then I met my match in a horse today who is going to train my ass!! That's where the ninja riding comes in! I look forward to it! "Bring it" as my friend says a little too much! HA!

So that's it! I'm clear now and down with all of the drama, although between you and me, it is a little exciting, but not orgasmic, lasting excitement like I get from coaching someone in their life to work through something difficult or giving my life away for someone else to gain something from it or taking myself to a new awareness level in any area of my life!! Now that's worth it!!
I have love and compassion for all human beings, sometimes I just need to vent!
Thanks for listening!
And for the 'one' who that last part was written for, go and give yourself a real problem. Like a starting an after school program for all the children in your area who don't have fathers or mothers, or feeding the hungry people in your area!! Just a thought!
Peace

Day 12 and deliberate living

Well as I read my friends blog as he goes through his 30 day cleanse I was laughing at myself and him and human beings!! If we were able to look at ourselves separate from ourselves I think we would be laughing a lot and have a lot of compassion for poor humans!! HAHA! Cause we are adorable and silly and I think too damn smart for our own good!!
I am learning to be loving to myself!! That includes waking up and saying, "I love you Megan, what would you like to do today??".
If I think of the way that I treat my kids and how I do myself, it's very sad. I would NEVER say to my kids some of the things I do to myself and it's done, I've stopped!!! I catch myself sometimes sliding back into those old habits and I'm catching myself. For years I learned this way of behavior so it's going to take deliberate living.
I used to think deliberate living was boring or for straight edge people who didn't have a creative spark in their body!! Now I long for it and am in training of it. With love and compassion I might add.
I'm being trained to do energy work with horses and I'm so excited to get my nose back in the books!! And be able to heal such a beautiful creature that is so loyal and loving to us. It's like what Cesar Milan says, 'there are no bad dogs, just bad owners'. I have been guilty with both dogs and horses and have let my own fears and past bad experiences get in the way of allowing the true connection of horse and human be so that both are left fulfilled, healed and happy.
This journey has been filled with so many moments of clarity and breakdowns and freakouts and it's only the 12th day!!
HA!
Loving the Bikram Yoga!!
'I would rather live in world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend.' Emerson Fosdick

Day 11 and Lyme

Wow -each day is getting easier and even being at the Races today wasn't too difficult. I realize that my habits and how I take care of myself is going to have to change if I want to stay healthy.
Today I met a guy who had an IV in his arm and when I asked about it he said he was trying this method to 'cure' his Lyme Disease. And we got to talking about what it's like to have this illness and I realized that by juicing, riding, yoga and altering my health and over all well being behaviors I am altering my life, my present and future.
This juice is larger than just losing weight, escaping my binge habits but altering my future.
I'm really excited about that!
Happy Easter!!
Also, loved the Quaker Meeting. My first one and I can't wait to get back.

Holidays, juicing and family!!

Wow -today was such a learning experience for me. And I really grew.
Now sometimes being on this juice can make one a bit hyper sensitive to the entire world. And that started late last night for me. No one was making any sense to me and they weren't understanding me at all. Whaaaaa!!! So I go to bed, after I apologize for my innate bitchiness, please refer to previous blog on regrets, and can only hopr that tomorrow will be a blessed day.
Wake up, feeling ok, get my juice, kids getting ready for brunch and are excited, get dressed, started to feel this twinge of anxiety and resisting the hyper sensitive juice self from coming out. It's like the incredible hulk or becoming a werewolf. But I now it's coming then little Luke huffs, "I'm NOT wearing my boots!"
Oh no he didn't!!! The green starts to come to the surface of my skin, my knuckles become hairy and blamo, there I am, the dark barking down the street is giving me chills!! So I yelled to everyone,
"GET IN THE CAR NOW AND WEAR YOUR BOOTS!!!!!"
Of course he was very glad he did, because it was wet and muddy at Radnor today and of course, mama does know best! Thank You MAMA!!
Day is going great, Luke wins the Annual Egg Drop Award, which every year I say is fixed, because we have never won after 14yrs of going -haha!!
Then the ol' family disfunctional dynamic sets in and looking at it now it's funny but in the moment, not so much!! I'm sure everyone can relate. And I had yet again another melt down and walked away to get my composure.
What was so fantastic about this interaction was that as the baby in the family, I get picked on, teased and frankly unjustly abused (ok a little dramatic, but the youngest out there get it!).
And I never stand up for myself and either go away crying, not so much anymore but as a kid a zillion times, or get upset and stuff it and boy did I want to eat, smoke, and drink!! *****
STAR that because when I don't express myself is when I want to binge!! WOW -huge awareness for me happening right now in this moment!! It's something that has been a blind-spot for me!! I never understood exactly what was the trigger. Sweet!!*****
So instead I embraced it and threw myself into the lions den and said, "FUCK OFF!!!" and "I love you and stop treating me this way, cause you know it upsets me." I first got hung up on and I called back, then I got, "I'm sorry, it was mean and I just wanted to have some fun and I see it got out of control and it was at your expense and I love you too".
WOW! And continued to have great conversations with everyone in my family the rest of the day and had a bonding moment with my 14yr old nephew because we talked about what it's like being the youngest and we totally related to each other!!
I love that!
I was fine with all of the food today. It was only until I had something to say and was afraid to say it that I wanted to drink a glass of wine and have some of the Salt and Vinegar chips!
I even made up the Easter Baskets and boy those malted milk balls were looking fine!
But ya know, I didn't!
I'm loving this journey and I'm enjoying growing closer to people in my life as well as new ones just beginning!
Happy Easter Everyone!!

Day 8 -Regrets

Today I realized I rarely have regrets about things that I do and have more regrets over those things that I don't do.
I'm naturally a 'yes' gal! And even though there have been one or two 'well I could have done without doing that' experiences, most of the time I can see the greatness out of anything.
I enjoy living my life like that.
I was thinking today about something I regret not doing because it seems like for now at least that opportunity has come and gone. And I didn't follow through with this experience because I thought it would be the "right" thing to do! By who's standards I ask myself now! I'm the one who has to live with it! Geesh!
The exception to that might be eating a pint of ice cream -although I usually don't regret it until the day after and I'm sick as a dog! HA!!

My regrets: Not telling someone I love them in the moment I feel it.
Not going with the passion of pleasurable actions in the flirt game after many flirts.
Not dancing when the spirit moves me.
Not speaking up.
Not saying I'm sorry when I've been a bitch or nasty.

Here are some and probably all of em!!
Groovy, now I can work on living a life with no regrets!!
Peace and Love to all!!

This is it

Today was a trying day for me!! I woke up very tired and just couldn't catch up it seemed. My riding was a step behind with little moments of being present, but mostly felt like I was asleep up there. I had the sense to not push myself while in this state and did flat work. Then the day kept on going like days do and yet I was in a fog and not present. I wasn't upset or depressed about it which is a big change for me. Usually when things don't go my way or the days occurs out of control I tend to slip into the 'whats wrong with me' and wow, not once did that even come up today! Yippee! But it wasn't a spectacular day or a misfit day, it was a pleasant and quiet day.
I wasn't confronting anything that I could see, yet wanted to be alone with Luke. It would have been a great, 'In loving Silence' day.
Then the cravings hit! For fried fattening food. And I bought the kids Southern style ribs and cornbread and fried chicken!! They are gonna gain the weight I lose! Oi!
There has to be something there. I called my juicing peeps and friends and just vented and they just loved me up until it passed. There is still something around, 'it's not fair' that others can eat and not gain weight, whaaa, 'it's not fair that Suzy Q doesn't have to study and gets all A's'....whaaa, it could really go on and on with me!! HA! It's a conversation of a 6yr old who didn't get her way! And given that I was a spoiled brat most of my life, I got a lot of whaaaa's. LOL.
I didn't break my fast! YAY! My kids are happy and healthy and my life is great!!

Day 6, fun and what's next?

I was a bit hungry today because I was preoccupied by a fabulous date I was on and I didn't drink my juice as much as I should -so by 5 o'clock I was ready for a burger! HA.
I have added some supplements into my juice for all of you worrywarts out there. And that has been giving me a lot of energy. And thank you worrywarts for your loving concerns.

I have been looking at my life and what's next...what do I want to worry about??
Because I'm going to worry about something, so I might as well have it be meaningful in the world.
Now of course, I have my kids, that's just a given and I will always worry about them. And that's quite meaningful!!
So then what?
For many years it was the environment, and for many of you that was shoved down your throats HaHa.
Then there was Landmark and again, down your throats.
At least you can count on me to be passionate and what I'm passionate about it will be shoved down your throats!! In a very loving way I hope you know. And there's always a bigger picture involved.
So I have come up with a few things that I would like to share with you.
I will be doing a project for giving food to the hungry in the area. That won't be shoved down your throats unless your hungry...
Next, I'm looking at getting trained to do energy work on horses. I did some of it the other day on a pony and it was just awesome being with her and being able to read her body and what hurts. I can't explain it but I've been doing it with people too but it seems more rewarding all the way around for animals because they don't have a voice.
I will be assisting for the Landmark Forum coming up in April, and I just love giving my time for others. I know many hours of peoples time has been given up for me and in order to keep it you have to give it away. I've been reading a book called "The Gift" and it's all about the energy of gifts and how they build, lose or deplete energy from the giver and/or receiver. I've always been a firm believer in that philosophy!!
I have also been looking at farmland property. I would like to have more land and smaller house and a place to have possibly an environmentally sustainable community of people living on it and with possibly organic farming. Not too certain with this one and I just keep throwing it out there to see what comes back.
So there are some things in my mind...

So back to the fabu date...
It's nice to feel taken cared of and desired. And that's what today was like.
That's all I'm gonna say about that! ;)

Night all...pleasant and pleasurable dreams!!

Day 4 and 5 and boundaries!!

Well I'm feeling fine and juicing away! Today I went to Kimberton Whole foods with Luke and he was grabbing the rice crust pizza and saying I can't wait to eat this. So baby steps it is with him.
I'm learning about my body and what it wants.
My fear is that after I'm finished juicing that I will go right back to eating shitty foods. Again times they are a changin because my "shitty" foods are now all organic but still not necessarily a healthy choice for my body. And I felt quite entitled about eating foods that are bad for me. Like I should be able to and it's not fair that I can't and whaaaaa....
Now I'm choosing foods that nourish me vs deplete me.
YEAH!!

What's on my mind right now is boundaries.
Either people have them or they don't.
And those who have them treat themselves with love and respect as well as others, and those who don't seem quite careless with their emotions and themselves.
Boundaries can make or break someone.
Why is that? Where are boundaries formed? Family, friends, school, parents??
Again , it's not in the Gosh Darned parent manual!! HA!
A microwave and TV come with a manual but not when you become a parent.
I am just learning about my boundaries and expressing them. It's actually embarrassing to admit this but it's true. I have had so much crap in my life because I was afraid to say how I really felt in fear that the person wouldn't like me and go away. And it occurred to me as "real" fear, like being chased by a lion; I assume. So I would keep in and negate myself and allow others to either treat me bad or miss out on opportunities.
A lot of that has changed since I did the Landmark Forum for sure and I continue to work on this area!!
I love having boundaries!! Everyone needs and wants them.
I just love my life!!
Off to bed!!!!
Cheers

Day 3 -Sat night!!

I made it through Jeanette's wonderful Birthday Party clean and sober. Now a days that means without food and wine, quite a shift from years past -HA!!
When I was driving there I was thinking about all of the great benefits of not drinking.
Then I walked in and smelled the beer, smelled the fried food and wanted to order a double shot of Crown chilled, a beer and a bucket of wings. I don't really like wings but in that moment I sure did.
I kept on walking up the stairs thru the funky dico dance floor to the private area for her party and I made it!!!
In the moment I felt like was walking through a war zone and wondered if I was going to make it through the night. And something just clicked and I decided to be present with my friends and to not let alcohol or food get in between us. And it was magical!! At one point as I was re living my perfection moment while talking to friends, I was so with them it was like we were in our own little bubble or pod and the rest of the noise was silent. It was a beautiful experience.
I drank water and danced my ass off. I allowed my sensuality to come out and play and it was fun, fun, fun. All of my senses, even though I wasn't eating the taste of the lemon in my water was divine, I touched my friends and gave them loving hugs and the smells of patchouli and garlic and yummy smells filled the air. And the DJ's music was loud and crisp and my body just moved to it.
Now with all of that being said, I ask myself over and over, why are you doing this? What is your long term goal?? Because as I make my kids pancakes and waffles and strudels and sweets and sugars oh my, I realize that we all need a huge over haul in health!!
This is good, cause like the old saying goes, 'the family that prays together, stays together' well for my family it will be, 'the family that nourishes itself, will live a happy and healthy life'.

Day 2 -juicing and relationships

Ha! I did it!! I even went to an art show and I was a little tempted to eat and I kept my cool.

I sat in a bath this morning filled with a mustard, cayenne and eucalyptus mixture that is good for cleansing. As I soaked, sweated and cried because I was looking at relationships and I became sad. I was missing my last relationship because in so many ways he was easy to train, his mama had done good! HA! And yet there were other areas that really didn't work for me at all. So I pondered the areas that I am just not willing to train a guy in.

Spiritual awareness. If he doesn't have any, keep on walking!! No time for me.
Sex. I'm willing to go further down the road but he has to be on that same road with me. Let's explore together.
Confidence and Integrity. A must. Without it, time is wasted.

Those are deal breakers for sure and I bet there are more but I just started to look at this.
I think everything else I could be willing to train them in.

And as I sat in the bath, which is good to do during cleanses, I came to the realization that I want attention when I want it and don't when I don't and I want a man who can handle that.
I want to be treated like a Queen and trust me, my man will be well taken care of. I am most passionate about checking to make sure he is taken care of, usually at the cost of myself but no longer. It will be a beautifully symbiotic relationship where both parties are flourishing and loving their lives!! So that there is much left over for everyone in our lives to prosper and win!
I'm falling in love with this vision as I'm writing it now.
And this is new to me and I look forward to creating it with someone.
Boy this juice really brings out all of it!!
Thanks so much for following along with me through this journey! I hope it can add something to your life as well. Without you, I wouldn't exist.
Nite Nite!!

Day 5 -but not really

So I've been silently suffering with this 30 day juice cleanse. And a fellow 30 day juicer asked me what is it I am confronting out of this cleanse. Maybe it's the 30 days, maybe it's something coming up for me that I don't want to look at. I'm not sure. I do know I said 30 days and I haven't been following it the way I like to be. I started this cleanse to break unhealthy habits and to take myself up a notch in that area. As I write this I remember walking into to Whole Foods today and not feeling like the song, "All Lost in the Supermarket". And I learned a whole lot about health and my body thanks to my friend and her guidance. And I bought a cookbook about making meals for kids that are healthy and that they will like. Luke, who is 9 wants to starve himself on the weekends so he can lose weight. He's 9!! and a string bean. Ugh!
I am now looking at my relationship to food. It has never been a love affair that I enjoyed. I have always had my weight go up and down and I resented other people who's weight didn't. And I resented God for making me this way and my mom and dad and the mailman and....the list went on. Especially as a teenager, if I didn't fit the role of little miss thing I wasn't good enough. Now I just told you that my weight fluctuated, so you can imagine how many times I wasn't enough. I obsessed about my weight all of the time and how I looked in my clothes. If I wasn't comfortable I would do crazy things. One time when I was 13 or 14, I went to the competitors party for the Radnor 3-day Event with my mom and I didn't like what I was wearing, I'm sure I felt fat and my mom made me wear a skirt!! So I walked in the front door and everyone was wearing jeans, like I had pleaded with her to wear and I was furious, embarrassed and uncomfortable. A few minutes later I ask my mom for the keys to her car to grab my Carmex ( highly addictive lip balm, that should be banned -ha) and off I drove back to my house about 15mins away, changed and strolled calmly back into the party. Of course as I pulled up to the clubhouse, she was standing there on the steps and I gave her the keys and said, "I don't want to talk about it!!" and we didn't. I felt completely justified of course and I had a few drinks to settle the nerves that night too!
So, I guess when I look at what I am confronting, it's years and years of self abuse around weight. Laxatives, puking, not eating, binging, diet pills...and right up to the start and even into this cleanse. That's why I'm saying it's not really day 5.
Today is day 1 and then we begin again.

Cheers

African Queen

Ok so I admit it, someday I would like to have a Charlie in my life.
What a great ol' film. And it depicts the 'good dog' syndrome brilliantly.
I just love a good love story!!
Nite all!

Man/Woman -Juicing -Perfection...dont miss this one!

So I remember being told in life to never expect anyone to be perfect or expect for myself to be perfect. So I figured perfect was only used to describe circles or triangles and it was something to strive towards as long as you know that it is never reached. And yet being a Virgo I am a perfectionist and somehow because of the time of my birth I have to make sure that myself, my surroundings, the people in my life are all somehow a version of perfection or I can never be truely at peace or happy. Hmm, a bit of a conflict.
So today I sat with three amazing human beings who fought for the worlds perfection and then finally my perfection and I argued against it.
I am para -phrasing:

Q: How is the world perfect when people are starving?
A: We would be bored if there wasn't someone to feed or take care of.

Q: Murder? How is that perfect?
A: In the murderers eyes, they are doing the right thing, they wouldn't do it if it was wrong to them, and we have so many laws to keep people from killing each other and they work really well considering how many people there are and we as humans are designed to kill if needed.

Q: Suicide?
A: We all decide when to die when you get down to it. Some people even hang on until they know that certain people are with them before dying. For some their life was so miserable it was worth dying for.

Q: My body isn't perfect -I would like to be super thin
A: No you don't or else you would be already. Maybe you need something to complain about, your problems aren't big enough so you obsess on your weight and your body. Get bigger problems.

Q: How come I have this voice in my head that says I'm not perfect, could never be perfect and not only that but I could do a lot better in life? That's NOT perfect.
A: Well if you think about it, isn't that voice in your head always right? Yes. I mean never ever wrong? Yes. So who is that voice? Someone other than you? No. Well then it's you who is saying this, you who has control over your life and you who has been in driving these imperfect conversations the whole time.
So if it's you driving, can't you decide where to go? Yes.
And that at times you want to go to being imperfect? Yes.
And if perfect meant being the best it can possibly be in this moment and you are the one saying all of these things, isn't that perfect?? Yes.
And everything in your life is by your own design then you and your life are perfect?
Yes, I am perfect and everything in my life is perfect.
And it can be better if I want.
I can have it anyway I want, because I already do.
What a freeing statement!!

Juicing -day four, releasing many things, physically and emotionally and that's all I will say about that. :)

Man/Woman - this course was fantastic!
Men -are linear, they like to do lists, don't like to be interrupted once a task is started because its hard for them to turn around, either violence or the threat of violence gets them to change direction, all they want to do in life is make woman happy, they are providers and they are not happy when they can't provide or are not making their woman happy. They like to be a 'good' dog, if you treat a man as good as a dog then he will be a happy, happy man. They bring fulfillment to the relationship. They don't need attention.
Woman -Thrive on attention, can multi -task, can change directions many times, can and do use threat on their men, can rule the world but would rather the men do it for them -that way everyone is happy, #1 thing that woman want -Companionship, #2 -Food, comforts, shelter, transport, #3 -luxury items -so men to make your woman happy, keep her happy, have her win and keep her in good company, even if it's not you, make sure she has lots of girlfriends around so you don't have to do it all. Women bring Promise and Fulfillment to the relationship.

So today I found out that I am perfect and all is well in the world and this weekend I sorted out that I don't need to have a man in my life to be happy and to be an accepted member of society!
HA ! Like I have ever been that anyway. Logically I knew that and yet for so long it has been told in this society that a woman should be with a man. So deep down I must not be right for being ok with that I'm alone. And in the meantime I've been making up all sorts of things about how I don't deserve love, or can't do it or blaa, blaa, blaa, when really I don't really want one or else I would do the work to be in a relationship. And kudos to all you fabulous relationships I encountered this weekend. I fell in love with your lives and I'm gonna really enjoy mine too!

Thanks for letting me rant, I hope this was an enjoyable read.

Juice

Sorry for not being a good blogger!! I had an amazing weekend doing a course that I will tlak about more tomorrow!!
Well today is the third day of a thirty day juice cleanse! Yes you heard correctly 30 friggin days!
Why you might ask, am I nuts? Well that's already determined -yes but thats not why.
I'm doing it for a few reasons.
Last year around this time I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I was bed ridden for three months and on major doses of antibiotics. This had been my fourth time with Lyme and this time it really kicked my arse. It's important with Lyme Disease to maintain my well being because if I wear myself down it will creep back up, so it's like an internal shut off valve! HA! I just thought of that but that's my experience of how it happens. When I go too hard for too long, my body turns off and shuts down and I am back to being bed ridden. I also had broken up with a guy who I was seeing for about 6 months but had also known him since 10 grade of high school and this was the third time around we tried to date. I mention this because it adds to the stress of everything, you know like if I had a check list of stress things in life. So with all of that I have gained like 15 lbs. I also sold my horse and stopped riding. And then started drinking an awful lot before my 40th birthday -hmm think I was a little confronted by turning 40?? I found that I wasn't happy with my body or spiritual mind either. So I got back into riding which for me is such therapy and I can see when I have horses in my life, I'm all good and when I don't watch out and started doing these juice cleanses.
The last juice cleanse I quit smoking!! And besides last Friday night I haven't had any for over two months. I also got rid of things in my life that weren't working. These things become much louder when your cleansing and much less easily ignored. It's amazing the crap I cover up with food, alcohol and smokes. I was so much more willing to sell out on myself and what I wanted.
Being on the juice also revealed some things to me that I wasn't willing to look at before. Drinking was one of those things.
I mean really, I'm a good blue blood and I drink as a we are well bred to do!
I didn't want to remove drinking all together from my life but in order for that to happen I needed to look at it not working the way it was. And I did.
So with the last juice cleanse, I quit smoking and cut back on the drinking.
With this one, I'm looking for a change in lifestyle frankly. My community around me is very active and healthy and I want more of that for myself. I am rejoining ACAC - local gym, tomorrow and starting a Yoga regime each week including some classes at my house.
Of course ride at least three times a week.
And i'm looking for property to move my family to. We want more space for riding horses, dirt bikes etc... And perhaps a place to have a community, organic farming, food co - op, not entirely sure but I am willing to have it all!!
So that's whats happening today with day 3!!
I will keep you posted.
Especially after tomorrow and my session with the Morehouse teachers. I can't wait to share my experience and will incorporate my experience from the past weekend. It all goes together! And is amazing!! I know you may have no idea what I'm talking about but I will fill you in, I promise!!

Perfection

I've been thinking about my imperfections and the world's imperfections.
Here are some of my thoughts:

If I was perfect then...

Why would I wake up and not say how much I love myself and my life?
Why would I have abused drugs, alcohol, food and anything I could get my hands on?
Why don't I love my body?

If life was perfect then...

Why is there disease?
Why is there abuse?
Why are there people starving on this planet?

See, next week I will be sitting in front of three teachers who will be arguing for my perfection, while I argue for the imperfections for three hours. Why?? Well I'm thinking that after three hours of bitching about how crappy my life is and the world is, I will be sick of myself and done with any opinion that I might still have that my life "should" be any other way than the way it is and that it's absolutely perfect!!!

How great!!
Stay tuned...

Welcome

So I've been awake since 6am which I hate when that happens. But I woke up to questions like:
Why am I here?
Why am I not happy in this particular moment?
Why doesn't he want me?
Why does he want me?
Why did I eat that ice cream last night?
In a perfect world...
So I created this blog so I can see if others wake up with those kinds of questions and if so what do you do with it?