I don't have anyone to bring me flowers.
My mom used to play this song over and over during her divorce. I was 10 or so during this time. I became a Neil Diamond/ Barbara Streisand fan, I'm not bragging, trust me!!! But I felt what she was feeling.
Today at the hospital she said, "your dad just walked by". He died 3 yrs ago.
She's coming home tomorrow!! I 'should' be happy but I'm not. She's not the same person. Yes it might be temporary. I hope it is and in the meantime she's with me. And my mom 'should' be the mom I know her to be. And she's not. This just sucks!!
She's the one who tells me the difference between lays and lies. And even in her oddness, she corrected me today with Pinks and not Scarlet's. I can't live with out her even while she's here.
Looking at her mail, she has her Philadelphia Orchestra tickets. I have more to learn from her.
This isn't fair. I'm trying to bring play to this situation as much as possible. Maybe I should take more LSD to be on her plane. That's funny. She has always been very open to my psychedelic drug use but I thought it was only to be able to relate to me more. That's all she really wants.
For many years I hated her, of course this was in my teenage years, in my 20's I silently admired her, in my 30's I researched her, now in my 40's I adore her.
Even in this state she worries how she looks. She's my only connection to my childhood. The only reason I love horses is because of her. I know I might not always show it but she taught me my manners and I am who I am because of her. I can go anywhere and be fabulous because of her. She's not the normal human being. She's an extraordinary human being.
We used to lie in bed talking about death. I was about 6 or so and I liked to scare myself and think about what it would be like when everyone was gone and she would take me the scary side and then give me hugs and say, "don't worry yourself of that sort of stuff, that it would be a long time before that would happen." Then we would talk about the stars and the universe.
My mom and I would never talk small stuff.
Thank God.
I'm scared to have her in my life in a different way. It could be good. But why am I, the youngest suppose to be the one?
I'm dealing with my title of the youngest one.
I'm irritated that my siblings don't respect me. And that they have a listening for me as irresponsible. Which, trust me, in the past I have lived up to. But I'm not anymore and they still look at me like that. Because, I have kept them at arm distance, I can see my responsibility in this picture. And I am the only responsible for this...grrrr. I wish I could blame them!!
I am going through it right now and would love to move out West tomorrow. Ha!
I'm brilliant at running. No more.
I'm here.
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You are so open, so easy to relate to, so easy to read your words...like an open share and it's your turn to lead us through your life...setting sparks in areas of our life. Words can be written to make a difference or do something other. Yours make a difference. For that I can offer you two simple words: Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou have grown up sweetie- not running and ealing with this is the hardest thiings u will do. Your words bring tears to my eyes and I still have so much sadness around my Mom. She cared how she looked and asked me to get the tweezers so she could "pluck" a day before dhe passed..they are amazing.....alli can say is you will never replace them and I look for my Mom everywhere I go-I think I see her-smell her and long to hear her voice everyday...cherish every minute sweetie--we only get one and funny thing is wether u realize it or not you are respected by all your family-esp. your Mom even tho you don't feel it.
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