Ha -great title eh?
That's how I feel right now and have been for the past few days. This is a whole shit load of stuff I'm dealing with.
I'm bummed I have been thrown off my raw and bikram kick. Caring for my mom has not been easy.
I have lost her handbag and ruined her phone. What are my actions saying?
I am resentful and I really hate that I am.
I'm resenting that she's not well and no one is getting her better.
I am resentful that I have to dramatically alter my life to fit hers.
I am resenting my sister for going away at a time like this, even though I told her to go.
I am resenting certain people in my life for not being her for me like I thought they would.
I'm shocked that her friends haven't stepped up to the plate, not even her "friend" Bob. I invited him out today and he didn't accept my offer.
I'm resentful that my mom has led such an independent life.
And I'm scared to death that will be me some day!!!!
I watch my mom and I am constantly reminded of my own humanity. And alone with no one but my children. I will not put this burden on my kids. Either because I will go out doing what I love; sex, traveling, riding, or something outrageous like being shot for standing up for something righteous and new. Or I will have plans for my future.
I have been awkwardly silenced by her illness. Which I don't like. I am suppressed. And what do I do when I'm suppressed??
Eat, Drink, Smoke...not exactly Eat, Pray, love!!
I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself.
And I'm using this as an excuse to continue this behavior and trust me it's not wrong, I did it for years and was quite happy, it's just doesn't work for me at this time in my life or perhaps in moderation, which BTW has NOT worked for me in the past but the past doesn't dictate who I am now right?? SO I coudl very well be health raw girl and fabu tailgate girl all in one and in moderation. I have no idea what that looks like.
I want a creative, loving relationship where I can get kinky and be completely fulfilled with so much love other people around us will be sick. HAHA!! I want a partner who is up for it all!! I don't want to be alone anymore.
Any takers??
Cheers
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You are so wonderful. Sharing your heart as you do. I love reading all that you write. Has me feel like I have spent a few moments with you. My Mom passed away 8 yrs ago almost to the day.My kids were 16 and 11. I resented having to help her all while taking care of my girls, running a business,and trying to fit in some fun too. Caring for your parent never comes at a convenient time and is never easy. Do your best to put yourself over there in your mamma's world, but not so you can then worry how you will look and how it will be for YOU when you get there! Just be with her. Imagine how scary and lonely it must be, YOU ARE THE ONE and YOU KNOW IT!!! She is very lucky to have you there as the one during this time of her life. You are doing an awesome job I am sure. It is all about the "juggle". Be good to yourself too...however that looks. You know you are absolutely perfect just the way you are and in whatever you are doing. Thanks for spending time with me! Love you so. See you at the end of June!
ReplyDeleteGood Morning Dear One,
ReplyDeleteThanks for getting me present to what I need to be doing.
My mom is in a retirement community and while I have had to go there to assist at times when she was sick, it didn't all fall on me. I have thanked God a million times for this! But what am I creating in my own life so that MY son doesn't have to take care of me!
And as I write this my sister-in-law(s) and brother-in-law are caring for their father who is 91, home from the hospital and living the dining room of my brother-in-law.
Quakers believe that it is the responsibility of the adult to make plans for their old age. That is why they started places like Crosslands. This is one of the "values" stated in Faith and Practice (what I call the Quaker Manual).
So today I am going to take three action steps toward creating my future, including addressing some health issues!
As Meryl said, be good to yourself... however that looks!
Love you,
Amy