I know!!!!

I know that everyday is kinda like groundhog day and each day is a new one and I can create it differently. And I know that the circumstances in my life are just that...circumstances and none of it is really real. And I know that it all depends on my perspective to how the day will go. And most importantly, I know that knowing of this doesn't make a bit of fucking difference when your in it!!!

This has got to be the one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like I'm being tested at every moment and I feel like I'm failing at every moment too. I don't really like this experience of failing. And I know that failure is wanted and needed in life to show me who I am and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

I want to embrace this moment and feel it and yet I have found every way to avoid it and not do what I know to do that will make me flourish!!
This experience has got me instead of me getting it.
I feel powerless and out of control.
Again, not a fan!!

I want to run and juice and do yoga and be selfish and go to California where its warm and everything is new, instead of creating that here and now.
I have wonderful people in my life and I'm hiding from them.
I'm extremely sad and angry that I'm sad.
I don't want to be powerful in this situation and would much rather that someone else come in on their magic carpet and fix it all.

So far as I can tell that aint gonna happen and I'm IT!!!
Ugh! Guess that's better than NOT being it.

I'm seeing how the past of how my family sees me is right there and I haven't done the work with my family to have them see me in a different way.
They see me as this messed up, irresponsible child that can't do it.

I will never forget a Landmark Forum Leader named Angie saying to me when I was taking on something way bigger than I thought I was able to do that I would have to get through me seeing myself as an 'I can't'. I had to prove her wrong and me right and fail at that job.

Well I'm back here again. Groundhog day! I'm saying 'I can't'.
I know I can but to be very honest about it, I don't want to and frankly I shouldn't have to.
The true warts of it all. Uff!

This isn't the way my life is 'suppose' to go! Oh the arrogance of it all!
Mom is 'suppose' to be a healthy, stubborn, proud beautiful woman until the day she dies.
Not what she is now!

Each day when I awake and see her I am faced with my own humanity.
I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to be a burden on my family. And even though she wasn't being that, I have know turned her into that.

What happened?? If I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, what happened that I have turned her into a monster??

I can only think that her illness has said some thing that I have perceived as very painful and hurtful. And she is now a threat to my humanity and considering I am a species of survival I must make her the enemy.

And I'm holding on to that and isn't disgusting. I am losing precious moments with her each day. No wonder she is failing in my presence. I am not being a support to her at all. Instead I'm blaming her for something she's, for the most part not even aware of what she's saying or doing.

So since it's Groundhog day, I have a new chance to be her champion and have her win today!!

Why not, what else am I gonna do? Just feel sorry for myself and make her and everyone else in my life miserable? I could, because that's what I have been doing but if I could choose another way to be, perhaps I could give that a shot and see what happens eh?

Maybe being playful and like the postmaster said to me today, "take it light" that might make the day a bit different!

Wish me luck!!
Cheers