It all comes back around

I was in my kitchen on the phone with my sister in NY and I asked my mom to use a towel verses a paper towel because I don't like to waste them. And she says, "well if you can't afford a paper towel then you should get a job". If you read my last blog I said I was taking on being playful and light today so I kinda laughed and said "it's not because I can't afford them, it's because I like to save the trees". And she looked at me very seriously and nasty said, " get a job".

So later in the evening as I'm making a cake for Luke's 10th Birthday tomorrow and we were alone listening to music I decided to let her know how that comment hurt me. And she told me in a very sarcastic way to get over it!! And then I figured since tonight might be the last time she will be staying here I should just let it roll. So I told her that this visit was a failure and I was so upset how we were with each other and I apologized for how this whole thing went down and that I was only trying to take care of her and protect her because I love her. And I got, "I'm going to bed on that note!" I asked her not to but she walked right away. Then I got nasty and said, "no wonder..." as she was walking out of the room. What I meant by that is, no wonder she's a lonely nasty bitch and so am I!!!

Then I cried my eyes out alone.

It became so clear to me how many relationships I have been in have been exactly like that.
I can only go so far in the conversation before I get shut out!! Then I'm the one being a nasty, begging bitch. I'm so tired of that. There's obviously something I get out of this interaction because it plays over and over. Not so much in relationships anymore because I have stayed away from them. And I have been with some nasty mo fuckers. Either I think I can change them and make them Mr. Wonderful and look really good or I can look like the victim and again, look really good!!

I'm so scared to death to get into a relationship it's crazy. I'm scared to get to that place again and have to accept that I picked a crappy one again.
I'm very strong in many areas of my life, but not this one yet!!

And with that interaction with my mom, it became quite clear where I got it from. I usually haven't experienced first hand though and this is where the tears of sadness comes from.
There was a time when I a little one and I remembered the vision of my mom being the bestest thing ever and she could do no wrong and then I saw that evil and said to myself, "you better be good or she won't like you". So for years I have been playing that good girl around her and others!!

I'm scared to death to tell people how I feel because I'm afraid they won't like me and I HAVE to be liked! Crazy!! But accurate. And it's been like watching my life on the TV, instead of being in it. I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Actually, I had to do interviews with 20 people in my life and almost all of them said they can count on me for straight and honest conversations. But that's only because I realize the fear isn't real and can walk through my fear with courage. Not as much with men yet. Still working on that one and I have taken some bold moves for me this year! And will continue to do so!!

It's all perfect and my mom is leaving here tomorrow. She's going to stay with my brother which I think will be a good for him to experience all of what it takes to care for her. And he has a wife to help out too. And three young kids...d'oh!! Good luck brother!! And it's good for me to get a break!!

I got to be here for her when she really needed it. I got to bath her and dress her and feed her and love her. I also got to watch her throw the 'Easy' button at my son and see the confusion and sadness in his eyes. And be the brunt of her aggravation and pride. And cry with her in moments of clarity when she's scared to death with what's happening to her own life and be a space of comfort. I have had many experiences that I have never done before.
I stumbled through it but overall I'm glad I had this chance.

I wish that someday she could read all of this because I know we could laugh and cry about it. I told her about the throw mama from the train blog and she laughed in recognition but I don't think that's ever going to happen again so you reading this will have to do and I'm so grateful to be able to do that!! So thank you so much for your amazing energies that keep me alive!!!

There is always light in every situation, I'm just starting to see it!!!

PEACE