Over half way there!!! It's not too bad except for the once n awhile cravings for my Wawa cheese hoagie with hot peppers, chips, diet root beer and to top it off a tasty pint of some yummy ice cream. HAHA! SO other than that and the occasional, "I want it and I deserve this and whaaaa's" I'm pretty good! After all for a responsible hedonist , this shit is tough!!
One of the things I heard out of assisting for the Landmark Forum yesterday was how deserving I am and as long as I play the role of poor widow who had a terrible thing happen to her. So if you had my life you deserved to be an irresponsible hedonist!! After all life shouldn't be this tough!! Woes me!! Ugh! DISGUSTING!!! HA! But still in my eating habits there is a touch of that!! "I deserve to eat what I want all of the time and I shouldn't have to worry!! Daddy, I want to goose that lays the golden egg!!" Isn't great when you can laugh at the ickiness of our humanity. So I get a lot mileage out of that entitled way of being, but when I look at what it has cost me, it's just not worth it anymore.
Had an almost, could be meltdown the other day regarding my lovely little judgmental voice in my head, you know that voice, the one that really never says automatically, you are so beautiful or you are perfect the way you are, every little aspect of yourself is judged and ruled by that little voice and it's never wrong is it?? Hmmm.... That one.
So since I started this cleanse I have been weighing myself on this old rinky dinky scale that says, I have lost about 8 -10 lbs. Little voice say's "yeah, cause you better lose weight with everything you are doing, you would be an idiot if you didn't -whats this whole thing for anyway! geesh!"
So my "Self" decides to weigh in on the very accurate Wii Fit and says I lost maybe 3-5 lbs at the most!! Litttle voice screams "WTF!!!, you are fricking kidding me right, what the hell have you been doing?? You can't do anything right, you idiot, you schmoo....blaa blaa"
Despite that I have quit my Adderal for ADD -legal speed- which keeps you thin and rots your teeth and suppresses your nervous system and other major ugly things and it's been 3 months since I've quit smoking and was on major doses of antibiotics for the bite and the infection in my foot, all which automatically makes the body stock up in pounds.
NOOOOO, none of that was taken into account until 5mins after. Thank God for Christian and great friends who have done the Landmark Forum, I just love, love their perspective!!
He brought all of the later to my attention and then I was comforted by the fact that this is all a journey and I have fully participating.
I have bought books for myself and Luke to learn about food and how it affects our body.
I'm also building a an above ground garden (better for my back) and am going to use the philosophy more than ever of using my local farms.
I think I have met my match with Sounder too. He is teaching me patience. I am forced to be still and balanced with him. It's like doing a yoga class on his back. Which is really what riding is but I have been riding these gentle giants who just take care of me and auto correct for my mistakes but so much is missed out for me with that too. The connection and feeling is compromised. So I'm loving this challenge! Thanks N! I love being back with you too, if your reading this!! So great that two old friends can get together and be right back where they left off and even more!!
All is well in my life except I am terribly concerned for the health of my brother. He has bladder cancer and the treatments haven't been working and have been making him sick too!!
I want him to heal!!! Please send out loving, healing thoughts to him!!
Thanks,
Love to all!!
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