Day 5 -but not really

So I've been silently suffering with this 30 day juice cleanse. And a fellow 30 day juicer asked me what is it I am confronting out of this cleanse. Maybe it's the 30 days, maybe it's something coming up for me that I don't want to look at. I'm not sure. I do know I said 30 days and I haven't been following it the way I like to be. I started this cleanse to break unhealthy habits and to take myself up a notch in that area. As I write this I remember walking into to Whole Foods today and not feeling like the song, "All Lost in the Supermarket". And I learned a whole lot about health and my body thanks to my friend and her guidance. And I bought a cookbook about making meals for kids that are healthy and that they will like. Luke, who is 9 wants to starve himself on the weekends so he can lose weight. He's 9!! and a string bean. Ugh!
I am now looking at my relationship to food. It has never been a love affair that I enjoyed. I have always had my weight go up and down and I resented other people who's weight didn't. And I resented God for making me this way and my mom and dad and the mailman and....the list went on. Especially as a teenager, if I didn't fit the role of little miss thing I wasn't good enough. Now I just told you that my weight fluctuated, so you can imagine how many times I wasn't enough. I obsessed about my weight all of the time and how I looked in my clothes. If I wasn't comfortable I would do crazy things. One time when I was 13 or 14, I went to the competitors party for the Radnor 3-day Event with my mom and I didn't like what I was wearing, I'm sure I felt fat and my mom made me wear a skirt!! So I walked in the front door and everyone was wearing jeans, like I had pleaded with her to wear and I was furious, embarrassed and uncomfortable. A few minutes later I ask my mom for the keys to her car to grab my Carmex ( highly addictive lip balm, that should be banned -ha) and off I drove back to my house about 15mins away, changed and strolled calmly back into the party. Of course as I pulled up to the clubhouse, she was standing there on the steps and I gave her the keys and said, "I don't want to talk about it!!" and we didn't. I felt completely justified of course and I had a few drinks to settle the nerves that night too!
So, I guess when I look at what I am confronting, it's years and years of self abuse around weight. Laxatives, puking, not eating, binging, diet pills...and right up to the start and even into this cleanse. That's why I'm saying it's not really day 5.
Today is day 1 and then we begin again.

Cheers