To set the record straight- fireflies and fairytales

While I was taking the trash out last night I saw my first firefly of the season. I was having a conversation to my mom at the time and I started to cry remembering the nights we would lay on the hammock and watch the lightening bugs and talk about life, death and happiness.

She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And I don't know if you have had any experience with this disease but I have not. And we didn't even find this out until last week and it has been almost two months since we started this journey. When I look back I can see it's been happening for a while. This has not been easy at all.

She's at my brothers and things are not well.

One Sunday afternoon after brunch at the Desmond and a nap she became very agitated at my house and it became worse. So it was a Tuesday that I asked my brother to come over and talk with her. The entire time she was at my house he never came over once. It wasn't until I made a frantic panic call that he felt like it was serious enough for him to come over.

So he went for a walk with her and then left. He called me later on that day and offered to take her to his house with the caveat that they have help. So I set it all up and brought her over on Weds. What I didn't know was that this was a whole scheme between my mom, (who is sick) and my brother (which I don't think he's been diagnosed but I think probably has multiple personality disorder. But I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know. And I just want to acknowledge that I'm blowing my own rule because I don't have my brother's permission to blog about him and I don't really care) to have mom escape from the awful, filthy, insane asylum called Megan's house.

Now mind you, I was taking my mom to doctors appointments if not everyday, then every other day. If we didn't go they came here. She had to do exercises and take her medicine and most importantly drink her water ( I know sounds funny, but she had a bladder infection and water is very important). She didn't like to do any of those things so she would get agitated and annoyed at me from time to time. So I had to deal with the fact that my mom was going to not like me anymore. I wrote about that earlier. But I did it because I love her and she needed my care.

She started to say things to me like I threw the remote control at her, or I wouldn't let her watch TV. When she said these things I started to get nervous and thought she could say anything if she wanted and in her mind she would believe it. So I made sure I wasn't alone with her and for the most part that worked out. And she was happier when I had others around, she enjoyed their company much more over mine anyway. Until, she didn't then I was awful and they were awful. Nothing had to happen to make this switch, just something in her mind. It's horrible to watch this and as a child you want to believe this will go away. And I know Kurt had in mind that we would be the one that would bring her back but in the meantime he abused me along the way. Putting me down for how I cared for mom. Telling me I abused her and I lived in filthy pit and should have never taken mom in. Now for those of you that have been to my house, I don't think filth would be the word to use eh? Maybe after a party, but that's it and that's just muss. I already mentioned the abuse thing, which unfortunately is all part of the illness. Now, did I argue with an Alzheimer patient? Was I short at times? Yup and yup. I got it, that doesn't work. Should I have never taken on this job? Perhaps, and what the hell else was I going to do? Say no to my sister who was leaving for Europe for two weeks and my brother who was dealing with bladder cancer? That would have been brilliant and probably would have saved our relationship.
But I didn't do that and now I'm very concerned for our family. We are fighting and taking sides and doing all of those things you hear about with families when wills aren't set in places or living wills aren't being followed.

So what's happening now is that I don't know if I will ever see my mother again because my brother is turning her against me and I'm fairly certain that I will never forgive my brother for his abusive actions towards me. It's actually not even forgiveness, it's more about me not putting myself in that situation. And considering he's not going to change I can't be around him. I know his rage and anger and I know why he has it and I know that under it all is a frightened little boy. And he doesn't really have too much of a choice considering the abuse he got while he was growing up. But he is not responsible for his actions and thinks it's everyone else fault for everything bad in his life. And I'm done being the brunt of it.

I'm shocked and appalled by the actions of my brother and his wife. I'm shocked and saddened and paralyzed with all of these emotions right now. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation.

I am depressed and am sick. I don't have a lot of power around this. I'm still reverting back to my childhood and thinking they are right. That I am an irresponsible child that can't take on anything right. It's not the truth and I know I'm not. I'm stuck in this whirlpool of the past and I must break free of it. It doesn't work!

I have fantastic friends, I just need to use them.

I'm creating being powerful and kick ass and a bitch!!

Peace