Well I'm back from my trip, off my cleanse and am grounded in whats here for me.
I ate raw mostly my entire trip! No meat and no alcohol!!
Everywhere I went I found either a place that juiced for me or was raw or at least vegan.
Now this is coming from someone who was eating lamb for Christmas dinner with lots and lots of yummy red wine. Now I don't mind all of that, except there is a lot of unhealthiness in my family at the moment and I want to keep myself clear.
I am dealing with some things that I never thought I would be dealing with. I guess because I figured my sister would take on full responsibility of caring for my mom, why? Because I'm the youngest and she doesn't have any children, plus she always said she was going to.
Well that's not the case and we are making a fabulous team, because it does take a village.
I'm so grateful to have her.
This is so very disturbing to watch a woman who I have mostly always ( excluding my teens :) honored, adored and loved, talk about pulling monsters out of her sons stomach and want to keep her loafers on for bed when she's not wearing any shoes.
So I've decided to play with her and tell her when I'm about ready to drive her to the corner and drop her off and leave her there. We both giggle at that. So when I'm at my wits end I come up with humor to calm the beast. And it works!
I'm honored that she is comfortable here with me and that I can be the one for her.
And even though she isn't making sense in this reality, perhaps somewhere else she is and who am I to disagree. She's my mom and I love her no matter what, even though I wanted to give her a whirly bird tonight and told her so!! She made a funny face and laughed.
Oh and this has brought up the conversation with Taylor about how she's going to be with me when I get older!! It's quite funny! And Luke is being such the gentleman about the whole thing. He is letting her scold him about his table manners and allowing her to steal his chips, he's granting her being!! And they fight! HA!
I'm off to bed...Bikram at 5:30am!
Also, the new journey is...
I will be making raw food for the next 30 days! One new raw meal each day!
And blogging about the experience!!
Ride on!! Ride on!!
Also, side note...LOVED Joshua Tree!! What a sacred place!
Peace
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
DAY 30!!! HOLY MOLY!!!
What a fantastic ride!
I lost somewhere around 12 to 15lbs.
I quit adderall -'Prolonged high doses of amphetamines followed by an abrupt cessation can result in extreme fatigue and mental depression.'
I am more clear and more full of energy then I ever have been on it. I was off and on it for three years and the long term affects of this drug are not nice!!
No alcohol or caffeine for over a month and I enjoy waking up in the morning clear and ready to get my day started.
Since I began this cleanse I started a new yoga practice, started my training in homeopathy with horses, started to care for my mother, have had conversations with people in my life that I have altered my future. And have also altered old family relationships that seemed stuck as they were.
My clothes are folded, my laundry consistently done and folded. My office cleaned up, my bills mostly paid on time, there is still a part of my entitlement that likes to play the game of not paying my bills, crazy but true. My kids are settled and their future is pretty set for schooling and their schedules set for the summer.
i have never been so efficient!!! HAHA! Love it!
Next thing to really take on...an intimate, long term relationship. I started this journey and have been dating. There is one who I have a main interest in and am having fun playing with him. And I have been looking at some of my scoundrel ways that I be in relationships..oh boy!
Well what's next?
Love, family, health, financial freedom.
Stay tuned...
:)
I lost somewhere around 12 to 15lbs.
I quit adderall -'Prolonged high doses of amphetamines followed by an abrupt cessation can result in extreme fatigue and mental depression.'
I am more clear and more full of energy then I ever have been on it. I was off and on it for three years and the long term affects of this drug are not nice!!
No alcohol or caffeine for over a month and I enjoy waking up in the morning clear and ready to get my day started.
Since I began this cleanse I started a new yoga practice, started my training in homeopathy with horses, started to care for my mother, have had conversations with people in my life that I have altered my future. And have also altered old family relationships that seemed stuck as they were.
My clothes are folded, my laundry consistently done and folded. My office cleaned up, my bills mostly paid on time, there is still a part of my entitlement that likes to play the game of not paying my bills, crazy but true. My kids are settled and their future is pretty set for schooling and their schedules set for the summer.
i have never been so efficient!!! HAHA! Love it!
Next thing to really take on...an intimate, long term relationship. I started this journey and have been dating. There is one who I have a main interest in and am having fun playing with him. And I have been looking at some of my scoundrel ways that I be in relationships..oh boy!
Well what's next?
Love, family, health, financial freedom.
Stay tuned...
:)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 26!!! King Wallace the 3rd
AKA -Wally, the runt of the litter from Mrs. Zimmerman's Jack Russell's. I picked him out because he had the marking that was in the shape of a heart on the side of his body and I had no idea he was the runt. I was the runt then too! We scooped him up and off we went and to meet his side kick, Master Briggs, a scruffy, welsh terrier mix. So there you have it, Briggs and Wally, like Tom and Jerry, Ozzie and Harriet.
Wally had short little legs and obviously did not come from proper racing stock. But my mom insisted that we shove this little guy into a box with several long legged, papers to impress dogs and our little guy would run like the wind, as hard as he could. He might get a third or fourth or nothing at all but he could care a less. Again, its all about the journey. I learned a lot from that mighty dog. He would go after any size critter and he would never back down even if it could get him killed.
I'm an awful lot like that.
I can be one stubborn mama. That's for sure!!
I had a very emotional day with my mom today. She's sad and depressed and having a hard time expressing it.
To me it would be like being buried alive.
We have a neuropsychologist coming to the house tomorrow to doing an evaluation on her and she's having an MRI as well.
More will be revealed.
Please enjoy your loved ones right now!!
Just a few days ago she was not like this.
I knew that day at Radnor Hunt that we were all together for a reason!!
I wish I had taken a family photo!!
Grrrr!
Much love!!
Wally had short little legs and obviously did not come from proper racing stock. But my mom insisted that we shove this little guy into a box with several long legged, papers to impress dogs and our little guy would run like the wind, as hard as he could. He might get a third or fourth or nothing at all but he could care a less. Again, its all about the journey. I learned a lot from that mighty dog. He would go after any size critter and he would never back down even if it could get him killed.
I'm an awful lot like that.
I can be one stubborn mama. That's for sure!!
I had a very emotional day with my mom today. She's sad and depressed and having a hard time expressing it.
To me it would be like being buried alive.
We have a neuropsychologist coming to the house tomorrow to doing an evaluation on her and she's having an MRI as well.
More will be revealed.
Please enjoy your loved ones right now!!
Just a few days ago she was not like this.
I knew that day at Radnor Hunt that we were all together for a reason!!
I wish I had taken a family photo!!
Grrrr!
Much love!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 25! And the ex!
You know when you hear your ex is back in town or you know you will see them somewhere? Well today was one of those days.
We had met a few years ago and didn't get involved until last May. It was fun, wild and a true mess. The two of us together was just silly and more about convenience than anything.
We had ended things in January and it was all very copacetic. I hadn't given much thought to seeing him again. Until... I heard he was coming up and I got irritated, like this town ain't big enough for the two of us! HA! I felt like I was obligated to tell him what I had been up to in my life and frankly I didn't want to and I was pissy that I HAD to.
Now the funny thing is I was really wrapped up that somehow I was obligated and how dare he want to know this information and blaa blaa blaa. I have to say this poor guy never asked a thing from me either. I was making all of this up on my own and of course with my chosen girlfriend to bounce this off of.
All and all I used up about 2 hrs of time thinking about this over the course of the week. And when the time came to see him today, I had completely forgotten that he was going to be here plus I hadn't heard from him. I was also very, very, late and almost didn't show up...huh, interesting.
So as I'm walking through the field, I see him and my first reaction was funny and I said aloud, "oh shit!" and was surprised with this reaction. Then I stopped being 13 and strolled up to him and gave him a big hug and was happy to see him.
The rest of the day, I spent the time catching up with him and our friends. And it was all perfect. I didn't feel obligated and was free to share with him everything I was up to, even who I'm dating. It was the relationship I actually always wanted to have with him but at some point it took a left turn and I didn't direct it back.
It's just so funny how nutty I can get over boyz...still!! HAHA!
I'm still feeling amazing!! I am planing my next 30 days and what's next!
A few new things have been added and I will blog about those later!!!
Peace
We had met a few years ago and didn't get involved until last May. It was fun, wild and a true mess. The two of us together was just silly and more about convenience than anything.
We had ended things in January and it was all very copacetic. I hadn't given much thought to seeing him again. Until... I heard he was coming up and I got irritated, like this town ain't big enough for the two of us! HA! I felt like I was obligated to tell him what I had been up to in my life and frankly I didn't want to and I was pissy that I HAD to.
Now the funny thing is I was really wrapped up that somehow I was obligated and how dare he want to know this information and blaa blaa blaa. I have to say this poor guy never asked a thing from me either. I was making all of this up on my own and of course with my chosen girlfriend to bounce this off of.
All and all I used up about 2 hrs of time thinking about this over the course of the week. And when the time came to see him today, I had completely forgotten that he was going to be here plus I hadn't heard from him. I was also very, very, late and almost didn't show up...huh, interesting.
So as I'm walking through the field, I see him and my first reaction was funny and I said aloud, "oh shit!" and was surprised with this reaction. Then I stopped being 13 and strolled up to him and gave him a big hug and was happy to see him.
The rest of the day, I spent the time catching up with him and our friends. And it was all perfect. I didn't feel obligated and was free to share with him everything I was up to, even who I'm dating. It was the relationship I actually always wanted to have with him but at some point it took a left turn and I didn't direct it back.
It's just so funny how nutty I can get over boyz...still!! HAHA!
I'm still feeling amazing!! I am planing my next 30 days and what's next!
A few new things have been added and I will blog about those later!!!
Peace
Saturday, April 17, 2010
24 and so much more...
Yoga -horses -raw food -juicing -mother earth -love - oh my!!
I was honored to find out today that some of the work I have done within the environmental field is being used to forward some local actions.
'They' say it's about the journey not the destination, well I agree with 'they'. I enjoyed everyday surveying the Crum Creek, even in the cold rain and being followed by slithering critters and bugs and ticks of plenty. And to know that it will provide everyone who lives on it, uses it, is it... is fantastic!!
As I was picking up trash in an old dump this morning, I had a lot of time to think about my life...
I used to think something was wrong with me because I don't stick to one thing exclusively.
I mean that's what you do no? Grow up, stop playing, do well in school, get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, have grand kids, retire in Florida and die. Hopefully you will have lived a successful life and by that I mean made a shit load of money that you can give to your kids.
Now that's passionate living eh?
Not to me!
To some it very well may be and I'm not knocking it for a second because if this lights you up then I love it!!
I love passion and for me this was not it! Out of that list, I have the degree and the kids. I'm passionate about both! And I was passionate about my marriage until my husband wanted an annulment the next day. Not kidding, another blog for another day! HA!
And I loved my careers. Still do as a mother. I was a rocking hair stylist and a kick ass environmental biologist.
And I just love my new one as a responsible hedonist because I can play all of those roles and so much more!!
I realize as I'm honoring my calling as a visitor to this place, that it's always been perfect, all of it and it's perfect now, all of it!!
I'm falling in love more and more each day with my life and everyone in it!!
Fuck Yeah!!
Cheers
Jai Bhagwan
I was honored to find out today that some of the work I have done within the environmental field is being used to forward some local actions.
'They' say it's about the journey not the destination, well I agree with 'they'. I enjoyed everyday surveying the Crum Creek, even in the cold rain and being followed by slithering critters and bugs and ticks of plenty. And to know that it will provide everyone who lives on it, uses it, is it... is fantastic!!
As I was picking up trash in an old dump this morning, I had a lot of time to think about my life...
I used to think something was wrong with me because I don't stick to one thing exclusively.
I mean that's what you do no? Grow up, stop playing, do well in school, get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, have grand kids, retire in Florida and die. Hopefully you will have lived a successful life and by that I mean made a shit load of money that you can give to your kids.
Now that's passionate living eh?
Not to me!
To some it very well may be and I'm not knocking it for a second because if this lights you up then I love it!!
I love passion and for me this was not it! Out of that list, I have the degree and the kids. I'm passionate about both! And I was passionate about my marriage until my husband wanted an annulment the next day. Not kidding, another blog for another day! HA!
And I loved my careers. Still do as a mother. I was a rocking hair stylist and a kick ass environmental biologist.
And I just love my new one as a responsible hedonist because I can play all of those roles and so much more!!
I realize as I'm honoring my calling as a visitor to this place, that it's always been perfect, all of it and it's perfect now, all of it!!
I'm falling in love more and more each day with my life and everyone in it!!
Fuck Yeah!!
Cheers
Jai Bhagwan
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 22 -my favorite number -oh JOY!!
I'm noticing all of my triggers to eat, drink, and smoke.
They include situations that appear to be out of my control or not by my choice.
It's all perception right? I mean none of this is true or real right?
So let's have a great time along the way!
Even though there are things that don't make you want to laugh or play, somewhere there is a golden light to it all!!
My body feels and looks amazing, inside and out!!
Loving it!!!
I'm loving my friends, my family and my community.
I want everyone in my life to thrive in whatever brings them joy!
If they aren't thriving, I don't thrive, we all lose.
I want us to all win, together supporting each other and making a difference for the world.
Why else are we here??
What will be your impact?
Mine will have something to do with having people become aware of their joy.
Nite
They include situations that appear to be out of my control or not by my choice.
It's all perception right? I mean none of this is true or real right?
So let's have a great time along the way!
Even though there are things that don't make you want to laugh or play, somewhere there is a golden light to it all!!
My body feels and looks amazing, inside and out!!
Loving it!!!
I'm loving my friends, my family and my community.
I want everyone in my life to thrive in whatever brings them joy!
If they aren't thriving, I don't thrive, we all lose.
I want us to all win, together supporting each other and making a difference for the world.
Why else are we here??
What will be your impact?
Mine will have something to do with having people become aware of their joy.
Nite
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I think day 21 -and Phil F.
Phil F. was my first boyfriend. We met at the Gold Cup in a Sept at Devon. I was 13, he was 16. He had blond hair, chiseled facial structure, beautiful blue eyes and sexy as all hell!! And he was smart, sweet and so kind and he was a good christian boy, so he was very appropriate with me. Thinking back now, what the hell was my mom thinking?? HAHA -just kidding because if you knew me, it was perfect. All the girls were so jealous of him at school because he was that cute and he used to pick me up in a restored 67 light blue Chevy, AND he was super nice!! I really gave my whole 13 yr old heart to him -HAHA -but really I did. We dated for two years off and on and that's pretty serious for that age. I really thought I would be marrying him and live happily ever after.
Then something happened, then happened again that young hearts can't usually deal with and we broke up. I remember sitting in my room with my purple light on listening to The Thompson Twins, Hold Me now, crying my guts out to the point I thought I was going to throw up. Oh puppy love!! I remember saying to myself I will never give my heart to a man like that again!!
I really never have either. All from a decision I made when I was 16 years old. Kinda silly when you think of it yet we live like that's real. Another thing I'm done with now and that's guarding my heart. I'm gonna live and love like each day is my last!!
This cleanse has been very powerful!! I'm going through all of it! Today, the pull to have a chocolate chip muffin and a latte was powerful!! Comfort food, that unfortunately turns my stomach afterward.
Good news with mama, she has a severe bladder infection which make old people go fruity!!
I'm elated. First, to know that I will have my mama back soon and second, it's not easy taking care of your parents.
Life is FABU!!!
Then something happened, then happened again that young hearts can't usually deal with and we broke up. I remember sitting in my room with my purple light on listening to The Thompson Twins, Hold Me now, crying my guts out to the point I thought I was going to throw up. Oh puppy love!! I remember saying to myself I will never give my heart to a man like that again!!
I really never have either. All from a decision I made when I was 16 years old. Kinda silly when you think of it yet we live like that's real. Another thing I'm done with now and that's guarding my heart. I'm gonna live and love like each day is my last!!
This cleanse has been very powerful!! I'm going through all of it! Today, the pull to have a chocolate chip muffin and a latte was powerful!! Comfort food, that unfortunately turns my stomach afterward.
Good news with mama, she has a severe bladder infection which make old people go fruity!!
I'm elated. First, to know that I will have my mama back soon and second, it's not easy taking care of your parents.
Life is FABU!!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 20 and my daughter -HA!!
First off, day 20 and on is an emotional time in this cleanse. Your body gets down to the cellular level and this is where memories of the past are stored evidently. I figured this wouldn't happen to me cause I'm tough! Geeze! So today I wake up with a major allergy sinus deal!! I'm in pain and my mind is going through the rolodex of ways to escape and numb myself out. Yes, I'm taking a bath now instead!
I remember clearly one day, one moment when I was 6 yrs old and I was playing in my room, it was mid afternoon in the summer and I happily playing alone with my horses and dolls and I heard my dad come in the house downstairs and call upstairs for me, my brother or my mom. I didn't answer. Instead i got into my closet and sat under the light with the string hanging down from it. I put a pretend clear but very strong bubble around myself. I will never forget this and I said to myself as I crouched down in the fetal position, "he will never get me!" That was the moment I decided something was wrong here in my happy little world and started to protect myself from people mostly by being so dang cute you would never hurt me!!!
So I'm noticing how much I use food as that bubble of protection. Men wont find me attractive if I'm heavy which keeps me safe and in the moment it feels so good. Food has never been something I did for pleasure. It has mostly been a punishment for something.
F that!!
I'm so done with that!! I love food and my body is a shrine of goodness and I'm going to treat it as such!!
So my baby is 18!! WOW! What the hell does that mean? Not a damn thing, just that she's 18 and I love her more and more each day!
Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!
I remember clearly one day, one moment when I was 6 yrs old and I was playing in my room, it was mid afternoon in the summer and I happily playing alone with my horses and dolls and I heard my dad come in the house downstairs and call upstairs for me, my brother or my mom. I didn't answer. Instead i got into my closet and sat under the light with the string hanging down from it. I put a pretend clear but very strong bubble around myself. I will never forget this and I said to myself as I crouched down in the fetal position, "he will never get me!" That was the moment I decided something was wrong here in my happy little world and started to protect myself from people mostly by being so dang cute you would never hurt me!!!
So I'm noticing how much I use food as that bubble of protection. Men wont find me attractive if I'm heavy which keeps me safe and in the moment it feels so good. Food has never been something I did for pleasure. It has mostly been a punishment for something.
F that!!
I'm so done with that!! I love food and my body is a shrine of goodness and I'm going to treat it as such!!
So my baby is 18!! WOW! What the hell does that mean? Not a damn thing, just that she's 18 and I love her more and more each day!
Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Day 19 and my mom
My mom is now not doing well and is disoriented. Perhaps due to old age but more probable to the Prendisone she's on. I think she's taking way too much of it and she's over dosing herself because my mom is wacky, where do you think I get it from, but she's being so much more that it's frightening. She can sometimes comprehend and other times not at all. I love her so much and she is one tough cookie!! I'm so proud of everything she has taught me.
I am who I am because of her!! Whether it was due to doing the opposite of what she wanted just because I had to prove a point or it was due to wanting to impress her or make her proud, all the time it has always been her!! We grew up together. One day she told me she learned so much from me, hesitantly I asked what. "Boys, Sex, Music and Drugs" I kid you not!! I was kinda expecting an answer like that! We have fought ferociously , cried until we were empty and laughed until we peed our pants!! She has been one of my best friends and to see her frightened just kills me!!
We have gone through the laying in bed crying because we thought she was going to die to being so happy that she made it back from Multiple Myloma, which not many do. And to see her in this state of unawareness is tough. On one hand I should enjoy it cause she always has the answers and will fight you tooth and nail until she remembers she is wrong! I might be able to win a disagreement! HA!
Actually she is so cute, tonight when I got back from the game she was telling me about how Luke loves a good debate, again, don't know where in the world he gets that from ;) and he starts one with her about Jade our dog and why the tape on the bottom of her foot should remain there even though shes whining and can't get it off and she tells me she leans down to him and in a deep and frankly nasty voice that you might only speak to a horse getting ready to kick you, tells him to remove the tape NOW. Now of course he does it and she can't understand why he won't talk to her to the rest of the night. So I explain that Luke will speak to someone just like he is spoken to by them. She stops, cocks her head and shrugs and says, "well I'm still learning everyday" Even in that fogginess she totally got it! She is still my mama in any state and I love her!! I just have to get used to her being in this state! I'm grateful I can be here for her and support her during these times. It's all perfect!!
I am who I am because of her!! Whether it was due to doing the opposite of what she wanted just because I had to prove a point or it was due to wanting to impress her or make her proud, all the time it has always been her!! We grew up together. One day she told me she learned so much from me, hesitantly I asked what. "Boys, Sex, Music and Drugs" I kid you not!! I was kinda expecting an answer like that! We have fought ferociously , cried until we were empty and laughed until we peed our pants!! She has been one of my best friends and to see her frightened just kills me!!
We have gone through the laying in bed crying because we thought she was going to die to being so happy that she made it back from Multiple Myloma, which not many do. And to see her in this state of unawareness is tough. On one hand I should enjoy it cause she always has the answers and will fight you tooth and nail until she remembers she is wrong! I might be able to win a disagreement! HA!
Actually she is so cute, tonight when I got back from the game she was telling me about how Luke loves a good debate, again, don't know where in the world he gets that from ;) and he starts one with her about Jade our dog and why the tape on the bottom of her foot should remain there even though shes whining and can't get it off and she tells me she leans down to him and in a deep and frankly nasty voice that you might only speak to a horse getting ready to kick you, tells him to remove the tape NOW. Now of course he does it and she can't understand why he won't talk to her to the rest of the night. So I explain that Luke will speak to someone just like he is spoken to by them. She stops, cocks her head and shrugs and says, "well I'm still learning everyday" Even in that fogginess she totally got it! She is still my mama in any state and I love her!! I just have to get used to her being in this state! I'm grateful I can be here for her and support her during these times. It's all perfect!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 18 -and ugh I want to EAT!!
I'm wondering why I'm doing this today! As I awoke with a major allergy attack, I did NOT want to deal with the JUICE!! And my house mate and his girlfriend are having bagels, lox and cream cheese and mimosas and it's Sunday!! I didn't break! Although I was extremely tempted. So I have to say, why am I doing this? If this is the journey what is the meaning? Am I being responsible or obsessed? How much is too much and when do I stop? When I said I would? Why do I keep going or do I stop early? Will I ever be happy with my body no matter what my weight or do I always have something to prove? Is that being on the edge creating something new or am I just hard on myself? These are questions I have right now!! I'm gonna watch United States of Tara and and at least I don't have that issue!! Or do I?? HA!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 15, 16 and 17 and Awareness
Over half way there!!! It's not too bad except for the once n awhile cravings for my Wawa cheese hoagie with hot peppers, chips, diet root beer and to top it off a tasty pint of some yummy ice cream. HAHA! SO other than that and the occasional, "I want it and I deserve this and whaaaa's" I'm pretty good! After all for a responsible hedonist , this shit is tough!!
One of the things I heard out of assisting for the Landmark Forum yesterday was how deserving I am and as long as I play the role of poor widow who had a terrible thing happen to her. So if you had my life you deserved to be an irresponsible hedonist!! After all life shouldn't be this tough!! Woes me!! Ugh! DISGUSTING!!! HA! But still in my eating habits there is a touch of that!! "I deserve to eat what I want all of the time and I shouldn't have to worry!! Daddy, I want to goose that lays the golden egg!!" Isn't great when you can laugh at the ickiness of our humanity. So I get a lot mileage out of that entitled way of being, but when I look at what it has cost me, it's just not worth it anymore.
Had an almost, could be meltdown the other day regarding my lovely little judgmental voice in my head, you know that voice, the one that really never says automatically, you are so beautiful or you are perfect the way you are, every little aspect of yourself is judged and ruled by that little voice and it's never wrong is it?? Hmmm.... That one.
So since I started this cleanse I have been weighing myself on this old rinky dinky scale that says, I have lost about 8 -10 lbs. Little voice say's "yeah, cause you better lose weight with everything you are doing, you would be an idiot if you didn't -whats this whole thing for anyway! geesh!"
So my "Self" decides to weigh in on the very accurate Wii Fit and says I lost maybe 3-5 lbs at the most!! Litttle voice screams "WTF!!!, you are fricking kidding me right, what the hell have you been doing?? You can't do anything right, you idiot, you schmoo....blaa blaa"
Despite that I have quit my Adderal for ADD -legal speed- which keeps you thin and rots your teeth and suppresses your nervous system and other major ugly things and it's been 3 months since I've quit smoking and was on major doses of antibiotics for the bite and the infection in my foot, all which automatically makes the body stock up in pounds.
NOOOOO, none of that was taken into account until 5mins after. Thank God for Christian and great friends who have done the Landmark Forum, I just love, love their perspective!!
He brought all of the later to my attention and then I was comforted by the fact that this is all a journey and I have fully participating.
I have bought books for myself and Luke to learn about food and how it affects our body.
I'm also building a an above ground garden (better for my back) and am going to use the philosophy more than ever of using my local farms.
I think I have met my match with Sounder too. He is teaching me patience. I am forced to be still and balanced with him. It's like doing a yoga class on his back. Which is really what riding is but I have been riding these gentle giants who just take care of me and auto correct for my mistakes but so much is missed out for me with that too. The connection and feeling is compromised. So I'm loving this challenge! Thanks N! I love being back with you too, if your reading this!! So great that two old friends can get together and be right back where they left off and even more!!
All is well in my life except I am terribly concerned for the health of my brother. He has bladder cancer and the treatments haven't been working and have been making him sick too!!
I want him to heal!!! Please send out loving, healing thoughts to him!!
Thanks,
Love to all!!
One of the things I heard out of assisting for the Landmark Forum yesterday was how deserving I am and as long as I play the role of poor widow who had a terrible thing happen to her. So if you had my life you deserved to be an irresponsible hedonist!! After all life shouldn't be this tough!! Woes me!! Ugh! DISGUSTING!!! HA! But still in my eating habits there is a touch of that!! "I deserve to eat what I want all of the time and I shouldn't have to worry!! Daddy, I want to goose that lays the golden egg!!" Isn't great when you can laugh at the ickiness of our humanity. So I get a lot mileage out of that entitled way of being, but when I look at what it has cost me, it's just not worth it anymore.
Had an almost, could be meltdown the other day regarding my lovely little judgmental voice in my head, you know that voice, the one that really never says automatically, you are so beautiful or you are perfect the way you are, every little aspect of yourself is judged and ruled by that little voice and it's never wrong is it?? Hmmm.... That one.
So since I started this cleanse I have been weighing myself on this old rinky dinky scale that says, I have lost about 8 -10 lbs. Little voice say's "yeah, cause you better lose weight with everything you are doing, you would be an idiot if you didn't -whats this whole thing for anyway! geesh!"
So my "Self" decides to weigh in on the very accurate Wii Fit and says I lost maybe 3-5 lbs at the most!! Litttle voice screams "WTF!!!, you are fricking kidding me right, what the hell have you been doing?? You can't do anything right, you idiot, you schmoo....blaa blaa"
Despite that I have quit my Adderal for ADD -legal speed- which keeps you thin and rots your teeth and suppresses your nervous system and other major ugly things and it's been 3 months since I've quit smoking and was on major doses of antibiotics for the bite and the infection in my foot, all which automatically makes the body stock up in pounds.
NOOOOO, none of that was taken into account until 5mins after. Thank God for Christian and great friends who have done the Landmark Forum, I just love, love their perspective!!
He brought all of the later to my attention and then I was comforted by the fact that this is all a journey and I have fully participating.
I have bought books for myself and Luke to learn about food and how it affects our body.
I'm also building a an above ground garden (better for my back) and am going to use the philosophy more than ever of using my local farms.
I think I have met my match with Sounder too. He is teaching me patience. I am forced to be still and balanced with him. It's like doing a yoga class on his back. Which is really what riding is but I have been riding these gentle giants who just take care of me and auto correct for my mistakes but so much is missed out for me with that too. The connection and feeling is compromised. So I'm loving this challenge! Thanks N! I love being back with you too, if your reading this!! So great that two old friends can get together and be right back where they left off and even more!!
All is well in my life except I am terribly concerned for the health of my brother. He has bladder cancer and the treatments haven't been working and have been making him sick too!!
I want him to heal!!! Please send out loving, healing thoughts to him!!
Thanks,
Love to all!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Day 14 and Ninja riding -ha!
I feel like the Reverend Run -from Run DMC, I think that is his name. I say this because I mostly blog in my tub!! It's funny! And if you have ever seen his shows on MTV, Run's House, he blogs in his tub at the end of every episode or is it before, I can't remember.
So today is day 14 of juicing and I feel pretty damn good.
I stopped taking my ADD medicine too! It's always felt like a contradiction for me. I really feel fantastic!! And very focused!
This has broken up some major patterns for sure and I've started some newer healthy ones.
Blogging...Facebook...Formspring...Twitter and I'm sure there are many more places to speak your mind and get to know some wild things about yourself and your friends.
I love it as you know and I'm starting to see the downsides of them.
We have a new form of communication now and just like anything new, the kinks have to be worked out.
I have recently been put into the middle of some non nonsensical drama bullshit on both Facebook and Formspring and even though I've been told to 'get over it' I guess there is something keeping it alive for me so I figured here is as good as any place to speak my mind!!
I woke up pissed off! Drove like a madman to yoga, funny right? listening to B'52's Rock Lobster.
I had a hard time focusing in Yoga, of course but felt much more relaxed and much less angry.
So here it goes....if I offend anyone I apologize now and if you need to speak with me after you read this then please do.
Oh and this is for Sandra Bullock too and all famous people out there who take a secret bite of a twinkie then blamo your on the front cover of People saying you have a fat ass!!
Quit your evil, hating judgmental bullshit and leave me the fuck out of your petty life! And if your life is so small and meaningless that you have to talk about me you must be so damn bored, because I'm not that interesting!! Thanks for the ego boost though!! I know you are reading this. I share my life with you with the intentions of inspiring you in your life and spreading goodness around not negative energy.
So if you don't like it then don't follow my life, I surely don't follow yours if this is what you do with it.
And if your gonna fuck scanky tatted up biatches when you have a glamorous movie star wife, you're a fuckin idiot!! At least have an agreement with your wife then you can have it all, or is that not fun then??? (that's for Sandra -ha!)
Grrrrr!!! Shall I go on?
Don't blog about people without their permission and certainly don't use their names!! Ugh!!
And to all of the men -WAKE UP!! You are not the only one out there, you might want to consider you will have to do a little work to get a girl to notice you.
And women - DON'T SETTLE!! No wonder men are unsure, when we settle we tell and do one thing but secretly feel another. It sucks to settle! Go for your dream!
And what's with the little black ants!!!! :):):)
And salt water flushes -OMG!! I wish I knew before I did it!!
Oh yeah then I met my match in a horse today who is going to train my ass!! That's where the ninja riding comes in! I look forward to it! "Bring it" as my friend says a little too much! HA!
So that's it! I'm clear now and down with all of the drama, although between you and me, it is a little exciting, but not orgasmic, lasting excitement like I get from coaching someone in their life to work through something difficult or giving my life away for someone else to gain something from it or taking myself to a new awareness level in any area of my life!! Now that's worth it!!
I have love and compassion for all human beings, sometimes I just need to vent!
Thanks for listening!
And for the 'one' who that last part was written for, go and give yourself a real problem. Like a starting an after school program for all the children in your area who don't have fathers or mothers, or feeding the hungry people in your area!! Just a thought!
Peace
So today is day 14 of juicing and I feel pretty damn good.
I stopped taking my ADD medicine too! It's always felt like a contradiction for me. I really feel fantastic!! And very focused!
This has broken up some major patterns for sure and I've started some newer healthy ones.
Blogging...Facebook...Formspring...Twitter and I'm sure there are many more places to speak your mind and get to know some wild things about yourself and your friends.
I love it as you know and I'm starting to see the downsides of them.
We have a new form of communication now and just like anything new, the kinks have to be worked out.
I have recently been put into the middle of some non nonsensical drama bullshit on both Facebook and Formspring and even though I've been told to 'get over it' I guess there is something keeping it alive for me so I figured here is as good as any place to speak my mind!!
I woke up pissed off! Drove like a madman to yoga, funny right? listening to B'52's Rock Lobster.
I had a hard time focusing in Yoga, of course but felt much more relaxed and much less angry.
So here it goes....if I offend anyone I apologize now and if you need to speak with me after you read this then please do.
Oh and this is for Sandra Bullock too and all famous people out there who take a secret bite of a twinkie then blamo your on the front cover of People saying you have a fat ass!!
Quit your evil, hating judgmental bullshit and leave me the fuck out of your petty life! And if your life is so small and meaningless that you have to talk about me you must be so damn bored, because I'm not that interesting!! Thanks for the ego boost though!! I know you are reading this. I share my life with you with the intentions of inspiring you in your life and spreading goodness around not negative energy.
So if you don't like it then don't follow my life, I surely don't follow yours if this is what you do with it.
And if your gonna fuck scanky tatted up biatches when you have a glamorous movie star wife, you're a fuckin idiot!! At least have an agreement with your wife then you can have it all, or is that not fun then??? (that's for Sandra -ha!)
Grrrrr!!! Shall I go on?
Don't blog about people without their permission and certainly don't use their names!! Ugh!!
And to all of the men -WAKE UP!! You are not the only one out there, you might want to consider you will have to do a little work to get a girl to notice you.
And women - DON'T SETTLE!! No wonder men are unsure, when we settle we tell and do one thing but secretly feel another. It sucks to settle! Go for your dream!
And what's with the little black ants!!!! :):):)
And salt water flushes -OMG!! I wish I knew before I did it!!
Oh yeah then I met my match in a horse today who is going to train my ass!! That's where the ninja riding comes in! I look forward to it! "Bring it" as my friend says a little too much! HA!
So that's it! I'm clear now and down with all of the drama, although between you and me, it is a little exciting, but not orgasmic, lasting excitement like I get from coaching someone in their life to work through something difficult or giving my life away for someone else to gain something from it or taking myself to a new awareness level in any area of my life!! Now that's worth it!!
I have love and compassion for all human beings, sometimes I just need to vent!
Thanks for listening!
And for the 'one' who that last part was written for, go and give yourself a real problem. Like a starting an after school program for all the children in your area who don't have fathers or mothers, or feeding the hungry people in your area!! Just a thought!
Peace
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day 12 and deliberate living
Well as I read my friends blog as he goes through his 30 day cleanse I was laughing at myself and him and human beings!! If we were able to look at ourselves separate from ourselves I think we would be laughing a lot and have a lot of compassion for poor humans!! HAHA! Cause we are adorable and silly and I think too damn smart for our own good!!
I am learning to be loving to myself!! That includes waking up and saying, "I love you Megan, what would you like to do today??".
If I think of the way that I treat my kids and how I do myself, it's very sad. I would NEVER say to my kids some of the things I do to myself and it's done, I've stopped!!! I catch myself sometimes sliding back into those old habits and I'm catching myself. For years I learned this way of behavior so it's going to take deliberate living.
I used to think deliberate living was boring or for straight edge people who didn't have a creative spark in their body!! Now I long for it and am in training of it. With love and compassion I might add.
I'm being trained to do energy work with horses and I'm so excited to get my nose back in the books!! And be able to heal such a beautiful creature that is so loyal and loving to us. It's like what Cesar Milan says, 'there are no bad dogs, just bad owners'. I have been guilty with both dogs and horses and have let my own fears and past bad experiences get in the way of allowing the true connection of horse and human be so that both are left fulfilled, healed and happy.
This journey has been filled with so many moments of clarity and breakdowns and freakouts and it's only the 12th day!!
HA!
Loving the Bikram Yoga!!
'I would rather live in world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend.' Emerson Fosdick
I am learning to be loving to myself!! That includes waking up and saying, "I love you Megan, what would you like to do today??".
If I think of the way that I treat my kids and how I do myself, it's very sad. I would NEVER say to my kids some of the things I do to myself and it's done, I've stopped!!! I catch myself sometimes sliding back into those old habits and I'm catching myself. For years I learned this way of behavior so it's going to take deliberate living.
I used to think deliberate living was boring or for straight edge people who didn't have a creative spark in their body!! Now I long for it and am in training of it. With love and compassion I might add.
I'm being trained to do energy work with horses and I'm so excited to get my nose back in the books!! And be able to heal such a beautiful creature that is so loyal and loving to us. It's like what Cesar Milan says, 'there are no bad dogs, just bad owners'. I have been guilty with both dogs and horses and have let my own fears and past bad experiences get in the way of allowing the true connection of horse and human be so that both are left fulfilled, healed and happy.
This journey has been filled with so many moments of clarity and breakdowns and freakouts and it's only the 12th day!!
HA!
Loving the Bikram Yoga!!
'I would rather live in world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend.' Emerson Fosdick
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Day 11 and Lyme
Wow -each day is getting easier and even being at the Races today wasn't too difficult. I realize that my habits and how I take care of myself is going to have to change if I want to stay healthy.
Today I met a guy who had an IV in his arm and when I asked about it he said he was trying this method to 'cure' his Lyme Disease. And we got to talking about what it's like to have this illness and I realized that by juicing, riding, yoga and altering my health and over all well being behaviors I am altering my life, my present and future.
This juice is larger than just losing weight, escaping my binge habits but altering my future.
I'm really excited about that!
Happy Easter!!
Also, loved the Quaker Meeting. My first one and I can't wait to get back.
Today I met a guy who had an IV in his arm and when I asked about it he said he was trying this method to 'cure' his Lyme Disease. And we got to talking about what it's like to have this illness and I realized that by juicing, riding, yoga and altering my health and over all well being behaviors I am altering my life, my present and future.
This juice is larger than just losing weight, escaping my binge habits but altering my future.
I'm really excited about that!
Happy Easter!!
Also, loved the Quaker Meeting. My first one and I can't wait to get back.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Holidays, juicing and family!!
Wow -today was such a learning experience for me. And I really grew.
Now sometimes being on this juice can make one a bit hyper sensitive to the entire world. And that started late last night for me. No one was making any sense to me and they weren't understanding me at all. Whaaaaa!!! So I go to bed, after I apologize for my innate bitchiness, please refer to previous blog on regrets, and can only hopr that tomorrow will be a blessed day.
Wake up, feeling ok, get my juice, kids getting ready for brunch and are excited, get dressed, started to feel this twinge of anxiety and resisting the hyper sensitive juice self from coming out. It's like the incredible hulk or becoming a werewolf. But I now it's coming then little Luke huffs, "I'm NOT wearing my boots!"
Oh no he didn't!!! The green starts to come to the surface of my skin, my knuckles become hairy and blamo, there I am, the dark barking down the street is giving me chills!! So I yelled to everyone,
"GET IN THE CAR NOW AND WEAR YOUR BOOTS!!!!!"
Of course he was very glad he did, because it was wet and muddy at Radnor today and of course, mama does know best! Thank You MAMA!!
Day is going great, Luke wins the Annual Egg Drop Award, which every year I say is fixed, because we have never won after 14yrs of going -haha!!
Then the ol' family disfunctional dynamic sets in and looking at it now it's funny but in the moment, not so much!! I'm sure everyone can relate. And I had yet again another melt down and walked away to get my composure.
What was so fantastic about this interaction was that as the baby in the family, I get picked on, teased and frankly unjustly abused (ok a little dramatic, but the youngest out there get it!).
And I never stand up for myself and either go away crying, not so much anymore but as a kid a zillion times, or get upset and stuff it and boy did I want to eat, smoke, and drink!! *****
STAR that because when I don't express myself is when I want to binge!! WOW -huge awareness for me happening right now in this moment!! It's something that has been a blind-spot for me!! I never understood exactly what was the trigger. Sweet!!*****
So instead I embraced it and threw myself into the lions den and said, "FUCK OFF!!!" and "I love you and stop treating me this way, cause you know it upsets me." I first got hung up on and I called back, then I got, "I'm sorry, it was mean and I just wanted to have some fun and I see it got out of control and it was at your expense and I love you too".
WOW! And continued to have great conversations with everyone in my family the rest of the day and had a bonding moment with my 14yr old nephew because we talked about what it's like being the youngest and we totally related to each other!!
I love that!
I was fine with all of the food today. It was only until I had something to say and was afraid to say it that I wanted to drink a glass of wine and have some of the Salt and Vinegar chips!
I even made up the Easter Baskets and boy those malted milk balls were looking fine!
But ya know, I didn't!
I'm loving this journey and I'm enjoying growing closer to people in my life as well as new ones just beginning!
Happy Easter Everyone!!
Now sometimes being on this juice can make one a bit hyper sensitive to the entire world. And that started late last night for me. No one was making any sense to me and they weren't understanding me at all. Whaaaaa!!! So I go to bed, after I apologize for my innate bitchiness, please refer to previous blog on regrets, and can only hopr that tomorrow will be a blessed day.
Wake up, feeling ok, get my juice, kids getting ready for brunch and are excited, get dressed, started to feel this twinge of anxiety and resisting the hyper sensitive juice self from coming out. It's like the incredible hulk or becoming a werewolf. But I now it's coming then little Luke huffs, "I'm NOT wearing my boots!"
Oh no he didn't!!! The green starts to come to the surface of my skin, my knuckles become hairy and blamo, there I am, the dark barking down the street is giving me chills!! So I yelled to everyone,
"GET IN THE CAR NOW AND WEAR YOUR BOOTS!!!!!"
Of course he was very glad he did, because it was wet and muddy at Radnor today and of course, mama does know best! Thank You MAMA!!
Day is going great, Luke wins the Annual Egg Drop Award, which every year I say is fixed, because we have never won after 14yrs of going -haha!!
Then the ol' family disfunctional dynamic sets in and looking at it now it's funny but in the moment, not so much!! I'm sure everyone can relate. And I had yet again another melt down and walked away to get my composure.
What was so fantastic about this interaction was that as the baby in the family, I get picked on, teased and frankly unjustly abused (ok a little dramatic, but the youngest out there get it!).
And I never stand up for myself and either go away crying, not so much anymore but as a kid a zillion times, or get upset and stuff it and boy did I want to eat, smoke, and drink!! *****
STAR that because when I don't express myself is when I want to binge!! WOW -huge awareness for me happening right now in this moment!! It's something that has been a blind-spot for me!! I never understood exactly what was the trigger. Sweet!!*****
So instead I embraced it and threw myself into the lions den and said, "FUCK OFF!!!" and "I love you and stop treating me this way, cause you know it upsets me." I first got hung up on and I called back, then I got, "I'm sorry, it was mean and I just wanted to have some fun and I see it got out of control and it was at your expense and I love you too".
WOW! And continued to have great conversations with everyone in my family the rest of the day and had a bonding moment with my 14yr old nephew because we talked about what it's like being the youngest and we totally related to each other!!
I love that!
I was fine with all of the food today. It was only until I had something to say and was afraid to say it that I wanted to drink a glass of wine and have some of the Salt and Vinegar chips!
I even made up the Easter Baskets and boy those malted milk balls were looking fine!
But ya know, I didn't!
I'm loving this journey and I'm enjoying growing closer to people in my life as well as new ones just beginning!
Happy Easter Everyone!!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 8 -Regrets
Today I realized I rarely have regrets about things that I do and have more regrets over those things that I don't do.
I'm naturally a 'yes' gal! And even though there have been one or two 'well I could have done without doing that' experiences, most of the time I can see the greatness out of anything.
I enjoy living my life like that.
I was thinking today about something I regret not doing because it seems like for now at least that opportunity has come and gone. And I didn't follow through with this experience because I thought it would be the "right" thing to do! By who's standards I ask myself now! I'm the one who has to live with it! Geesh!
The exception to that might be eating a pint of ice cream -although I usually don't regret it until the day after and I'm sick as a dog! HA!!
My regrets: Not telling someone I love them in the moment I feel it.
Not going with the passion of pleasurable actions in the flirt game after many flirts.
Not dancing when the spirit moves me.
Not speaking up.
Not saying I'm sorry when I've been a bitch or nasty.
Here are some and probably all of em!!
Groovy, now I can work on living a life with no regrets!!
Peace and Love to all!!
I'm naturally a 'yes' gal! And even though there have been one or two 'well I could have done without doing that' experiences, most of the time I can see the greatness out of anything.
I enjoy living my life like that.
I was thinking today about something I regret not doing because it seems like for now at least that opportunity has come and gone. And I didn't follow through with this experience because I thought it would be the "right" thing to do! By who's standards I ask myself now! I'm the one who has to live with it! Geesh!
The exception to that might be eating a pint of ice cream -although I usually don't regret it until the day after and I'm sick as a dog! HA!!
My regrets: Not telling someone I love them in the moment I feel it.
Not going with the passion of pleasurable actions in the flirt game after many flirts.
Not dancing when the spirit moves me.
Not speaking up.
Not saying I'm sorry when I've been a bitch or nasty.
Here are some and probably all of em!!
Groovy, now I can work on living a life with no regrets!!
Peace and Love to all!!
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