While I was taking the trash out last night I saw my first firefly of the season. I was having a conversation to my mom at the time and I started to cry remembering the nights we would lay on the hammock and watch the lightening bugs and talk about life, death and happiness.
She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And I don't know if you have had any experience with this disease but I have not. And we didn't even find this out until last week and it has been almost two months since we started this journey. When I look back I can see it's been happening for a while. This has not been easy at all.
She's at my brothers and things are not well.
One Sunday afternoon after brunch at the Desmond and a nap she became very agitated at my house and it became worse. So it was a Tuesday that I asked my brother to come over and talk with her. The entire time she was at my house he never came over once. It wasn't until I made a frantic panic call that he felt like it was serious enough for him to come over.
So he went for a walk with her and then left. He called me later on that day and offered to take her to his house with the caveat that they have help. So I set it all up and brought her over on Weds. What I didn't know was that this was a whole scheme between my mom, (who is sick) and my brother (which I don't think he's been diagnosed but I think probably has multiple personality disorder. But I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know. And I just want to acknowledge that I'm blowing my own rule because I don't have my brother's permission to blog about him and I don't really care) to have mom escape from the awful, filthy, insane asylum called Megan's house.
Now mind you, I was taking my mom to doctors appointments if not everyday, then every other day. If we didn't go they came here. She had to do exercises and take her medicine and most importantly drink her water ( I know sounds funny, but she had a bladder infection and water is very important). She didn't like to do any of those things so she would get agitated and annoyed at me from time to time. So I had to deal with the fact that my mom was going to not like me anymore. I wrote about that earlier. But I did it because I love her and she needed my care.
She started to say things to me like I threw the remote control at her, or I wouldn't let her watch TV. When she said these things I started to get nervous and thought she could say anything if she wanted and in her mind she would believe it. So I made sure I wasn't alone with her and for the most part that worked out. And she was happier when I had others around, she enjoyed their company much more over mine anyway. Until, she didn't then I was awful and they were awful. Nothing had to happen to make this switch, just something in her mind. It's horrible to watch this and as a child you want to believe this will go away. And I know Kurt had in mind that we would be the one that would bring her back but in the meantime he abused me along the way. Putting me down for how I cared for mom. Telling me I abused her and I lived in filthy pit and should have never taken mom in. Now for those of you that have been to my house, I don't think filth would be the word to use eh? Maybe after a party, but that's it and that's just muss. I already mentioned the abuse thing, which unfortunately is all part of the illness. Now, did I argue with an Alzheimer patient? Was I short at times? Yup and yup. I got it, that doesn't work. Should I have never taken on this job? Perhaps, and what the hell else was I going to do? Say no to my sister who was leaving for Europe for two weeks and my brother who was dealing with bladder cancer? That would have been brilliant and probably would have saved our relationship.
But I didn't do that and now I'm very concerned for our family. We are fighting and taking sides and doing all of those things you hear about with families when wills aren't set in places or living wills aren't being followed.
So what's happening now is that I don't know if I will ever see my mother again because my brother is turning her against me and I'm fairly certain that I will never forgive my brother for his abusive actions towards me. It's actually not even forgiveness, it's more about me not putting myself in that situation. And considering he's not going to change I can't be around him. I know his rage and anger and I know why he has it and I know that under it all is a frightened little boy. And he doesn't really have too much of a choice considering the abuse he got while he was growing up. But he is not responsible for his actions and thinks it's everyone else fault for everything bad in his life. And I'm done being the brunt of it.
I'm shocked and appalled by the actions of my brother and his wife. I'm shocked and saddened and paralyzed with all of these emotions right now. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation.
I am depressed and am sick. I don't have a lot of power around this. I'm still reverting back to my childhood and thinking they are right. That I am an irresponsible child that can't take on anything right. It's not the truth and I know I'm not. I'm stuck in this whirlpool of the past and I must break free of it. It doesn't work!
I have fantastic friends, I just need to use them.
I'm creating being powerful and kick ass and a bitch!!
Peace
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It all comes back around
I was in my kitchen on the phone with my sister in NY and I asked my mom to use a towel verses a paper towel because I don't like to waste them. And she says, "well if you can't afford a paper towel then you should get a job". If you read my last blog I said I was taking on being playful and light today so I kinda laughed and said "it's not because I can't afford them, it's because I like to save the trees". And she looked at me very seriously and nasty said, " get a job".
So later in the evening as I'm making a cake for Luke's 10th Birthday tomorrow and we were alone listening to music I decided to let her know how that comment hurt me. And she told me in a very sarcastic way to get over it!! And then I figured since tonight might be the last time she will be staying here I should just let it roll. So I told her that this visit was a failure and I was so upset how we were with each other and I apologized for how this whole thing went down and that I was only trying to take care of her and protect her because I love her. And I got, "I'm going to bed on that note!" I asked her not to but she walked right away. Then I got nasty and said, "no wonder..." as she was walking out of the room. What I meant by that is, no wonder she's a lonely nasty bitch and so am I!!!
Then I cried my eyes out alone.
It became so clear to me how many relationships I have been in have been exactly like that.
I can only go so far in the conversation before I get shut out!! Then I'm the one being a nasty, begging bitch. I'm so tired of that. There's obviously something I get out of this interaction because it plays over and over. Not so much in relationships anymore because I have stayed away from them. And I have been with some nasty mo fuckers. Either I think I can change them and make them Mr. Wonderful and look really good or I can look like the victim and again, look really good!!
I'm so scared to death to get into a relationship it's crazy. I'm scared to get to that place again and have to accept that I picked a crappy one again.
I'm very strong in many areas of my life, but not this one yet!!
And with that interaction with my mom, it became quite clear where I got it from. I usually haven't experienced first hand though and this is where the tears of sadness comes from.
There was a time when I a little one and I remembered the vision of my mom being the bestest thing ever and she could do no wrong and then I saw that evil and said to myself, "you better be good or she won't like you". So for years I have been playing that good girl around her and others!!
I'm scared to death to tell people how I feel because I'm afraid they won't like me and I HAVE to be liked! Crazy!! But accurate. And it's been like watching my life on the TV, instead of being in it. I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Actually, I had to do interviews with 20 people in my life and almost all of them said they can count on me for straight and honest conversations. But that's only because I realize the fear isn't real and can walk through my fear with courage. Not as much with men yet. Still working on that one and I have taken some bold moves for me this year! And will continue to do so!!
It's all perfect and my mom is leaving here tomorrow. She's going to stay with my brother which I think will be a good for him to experience all of what it takes to care for her. And he has a wife to help out too. And three young kids...d'oh!! Good luck brother!! And it's good for me to get a break!!
I got to be here for her when she really needed it. I got to bath her and dress her and feed her and love her. I also got to watch her throw the 'Easy' button at my son and see the confusion and sadness in his eyes. And be the brunt of her aggravation and pride. And cry with her in moments of clarity when she's scared to death with what's happening to her own life and be a space of comfort. I have had many experiences that I have never done before.
I stumbled through it but overall I'm glad I had this chance.
I wish that someday she could read all of this because I know we could laugh and cry about it. I told her about the throw mama from the train blog and she laughed in recognition but I don't think that's ever going to happen again so you reading this will have to do and I'm so grateful to be able to do that!! So thank you so much for your amazing energies that keep me alive!!!
There is always light in every situation, I'm just starting to see it!!!
PEACE
So later in the evening as I'm making a cake for Luke's 10th Birthday tomorrow and we were alone listening to music I decided to let her know how that comment hurt me. And she told me in a very sarcastic way to get over it!! And then I figured since tonight might be the last time she will be staying here I should just let it roll. So I told her that this visit was a failure and I was so upset how we were with each other and I apologized for how this whole thing went down and that I was only trying to take care of her and protect her because I love her. And I got, "I'm going to bed on that note!" I asked her not to but she walked right away. Then I got nasty and said, "no wonder..." as she was walking out of the room. What I meant by that is, no wonder she's a lonely nasty bitch and so am I!!!
Then I cried my eyes out alone.
It became so clear to me how many relationships I have been in have been exactly like that.
I can only go so far in the conversation before I get shut out!! Then I'm the one being a nasty, begging bitch. I'm so tired of that. There's obviously something I get out of this interaction because it plays over and over. Not so much in relationships anymore because I have stayed away from them. And I have been with some nasty mo fuckers. Either I think I can change them and make them Mr. Wonderful and look really good or I can look like the victim and again, look really good!!
I'm so scared to death to get into a relationship it's crazy. I'm scared to get to that place again and have to accept that I picked a crappy one again.
I'm very strong in many areas of my life, but not this one yet!!
And with that interaction with my mom, it became quite clear where I got it from. I usually haven't experienced first hand though and this is where the tears of sadness comes from.
There was a time when I a little one and I remembered the vision of my mom being the bestest thing ever and she could do no wrong and then I saw that evil and said to myself, "you better be good or she won't like you". So for years I have been playing that good girl around her and others!!
I'm scared to death to tell people how I feel because I'm afraid they won't like me and I HAVE to be liked! Crazy!! But accurate. And it's been like watching my life on the TV, instead of being in it. I've come a long way, don't get me wrong. Actually, I had to do interviews with 20 people in my life and almost all of them said they can count on me for straight and honest conversations. But that's only because I realize the fear isn't real and can walk through my fear with courage. Not as much with men yet. Still working on that one and I have taken some bold moves for me this year! And will continue to do so!!
It's all perfect and my mom is leaving here tomorrow. She's going to stay with my brother which I think will be a good for him to experience all of what it takes to care for her. And he has a wife to help out too. And three young kids...d'oh!! Good luck brother!! And it's good for me to get a break!!
I got to be here for her when she really needed it. I got to bath her and dress her and feed her and love her. I also got to watch her throw the 'Easy' button at my son and see the confusion and sadness in his eyes. And be the brunt of her aggravation and pride. And cry with her in moments of clarity when she's scared to death with what's happening to her own life and be a space of comfort. I have had many experiences that I have never done before.
I stumbled through it but overall I'm glad I had this chance.
I wish that someday she could read all of this because I know we could laugh and cry about it. I told her about the throw mama from the train blog and she laughed in recognition but I don't think that's ever going to happen again so you reading this will have to do and I'm so grateful to be able to do that!! So thank you so much for your amazing energies that keep me alive!!!
There is always light in every situation, I'm just starting to see it!!!
PEACE
Monday, May 17, 2010
I know!!!!
I know that everyday is kinda like groundhog day and each day is a new one and I can create it differently. And I know that the circumstances in my life are just that...circumstances and none of it is really real. And I know that it all depends on my perspective to how the day will go. And most importantly, I know that knowing of this doesn't make a bit of fucking difference when your in it!!!
This has got to be the one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like I'm being tested at every moment and I feel like I'm failing at every moment too. I don't really like this experience of failing. And I know that failure is wanted and needed in life to show me who I am and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
I want to embrace this moment and feel it and yet I have found every way to avoid it and not do what I know to do that will make me flourish!!
This experience has got me instead of me getting it.
I feel powerless and out of control.
Again, not a fan!!
I want to run and juice and do yoga and be selfish and go to California where its warm and everything is new, instead of creating that here and now.
I have wonderful people in my life and I'm hiding from them.
I'm extremely sad and angry that I'm sad.
I don't want to be powerful in this situation and would much rather that someone else come in on their magic carpet and fix it all.
So far as I can tell that aint gonna happen and I'm IT!!!
Ugh! Guess that's better than NOT being it.
I'm seeing how the past of how my family sees me is right there and I haven't done the work with my family to have them see me in a different way.
They see me as this messed up, irresponsible child that can't do it.
I will never forget a Landmark Forum Leader named Angie saying to me when I was taking on something way bigger than I thought I was able to do that I would have to get through me seeing myself as an 'I can't'. I had to prove her wrong and me right and fail at that job.
Well I'm back here again. Groundhog day! I'm saying 'I can't'.
I know I can but to be very honest about it, I don't want to and frankly I shouldn't have to.
The true warts of it all. Uff!
This isn't the way my life is 'suppose' to go! Oh the arrogance of it all!
Mom is 'suppose' to be a healthy, stubborn, proud beautiful woman until the day she dies.
Not what she is now!
Each day when I awake and see her I am faced with my own humanity.
I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to be a burden on my family. And even though she wasn't being that, I have know turned her into that.
What happened?? If I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, what happened that I have turned her into a monster??
I can only think that her illness has said some thing that I have perceived as very painful and hurtful. And she is now a threat to my humanity and considering I am a species of survival I must make her the enemy.
And I'm holding on to that and isn't disgusting. I am losing precious moments with her each day. No wonder she is failing in my presence. I am not being a support to her at all. Instead I'm blaming her for something she's, for the most part not even aware of what she's saying or doing.
So since it's Groundhog day, I have a new chance to be her champion and have her win today!!
Why not, what else am I gonna do? Just feel sorry for myself and make her and everyone else in my life miserable? I could, because that's what I have been doing but if I could choose another way to be, perhaps I could give that a shot and see what happens eh?
Maybe being playful and like the postmaster said to me today, "take it light" that might make the day a bit different!
Wish me luck!!
Cheers
This has got to be the one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like I'm being tested at every moment and I feel like I'm failing at every moment too. I don't really like this experience of failing. And I know that failure is wanted and needed in life to show me who I am and I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
I want to embrace this moment and feel it and yet I have found every way to avoid it and not do what I know to do that will make me flourish!!
This experience has got me instead of me getting it.
I feel powerless and out of control.
Again, not a fan!!
I want to run and juice and do yoga and be selfish and go to California where its warm and everything is new, instead of creating that here and now.
I have wonderful people in my life and I'm hiding from them.
I'm extremely sad and angry that I'm sad.
I don't want to be powerful in this situation and would much rather that someone else come in on their magic carpet and fix it all.
So far as I can tell that aint gonna happen and I'm IT!!!
Ugh! Guess that's better than NOT being it.
I'm seeing how the past of how my family sees me is right there and I haven't done the work with my family to have them see me in a different way.
They see me as this messed up, irresponsible child that can't do it.
I will never forget a Landmark Forum Leader named Angie saying to me when I was taking on something way bigger than I thought I was able to do that I would have to get through me seeing myself as an 'I can't'. I had to prove her wrong and me right and fail at that job.
Well I'm back here again. Groundhog day! I'm saying 'I can't'.
I know I can but to be very honest about it, I don't want to and frankly I shouldn't have to.
The true warts of it all. Uff!
This isn't the way my life is 'suppose' to go! Oh the arrogance of it all!
Mom is 'suppose' to be a healthy, stubborn, proud beautiful woman until the day she dies.
Not what she is now!
Each day when I awake and see her I am faced with my own humanity.
I don't want to end up like this. I don't want to be a burden on my family. And even though she wasn't being that, I have know turned her into that.
What happened?? If I'm 100% responsible for everything in my life, what happened that I have turned her into a monster??
I can only think that her illness has said some thing that I have perceived as very painful and hurtful. And she is now a threat to my humanity and considering I am a species of survival I must make her the enemy.
And I'm holding on to that and isn't disgusting. I am losing precious moments with her each day. No wonder she is failing in my presence. I am not being a support to her at all. Instead I'm blaming her for something she's, for the most part not even aware of what she's saying or doing.
So since it's Groundhog day, I have a new chance to be her champion and have her win today!!
Why not, what else am I gonna do? Just feel sorry for myself and make her and everyone else in my life miserable? I could, because that's what I have been doing but if I could choose another way to be, perhaps I could give that a shot and see what happens eh?
Maybe being playful and like the postmaster said to me today, "take it light" that might make the day a bit different!
Wish me luck!!
Cheers
Friday, May 14, 2010
Johnny and June
I'm thinking that the relationship I want is a picture of these two. They had to travel through some mucky shit and then they agreed to be everything for each other. Including their undying love. And everything in between, which I'm learning that all of that is actually what it is. The messy shit, the lovely shit...all of the shit and if you're madly into someone it doesn't seem like shit. I've been doing it all wrong, coming across as Ms. Nice girl. Guess what? Like you all don't know...I'm a bitch. And I can rock your world and will be the biggest supporter you have ever known AND won't take your BS AND it's only game if you won't take my BS.
I'm a strong, independent woman that's looking for a full fledged partner. I'm thinking that either that I haven't been honest about that or I scare men. I can be scary, but my bark is worse than my bite. All I'm looking for is a man who can play that part.
What is that part?
It means be in communication about your life and mine. Be interested. Be fun. Smile an awful lot cause your happy as shit. Be inspirational to yourself and to me. Be real, it's all good if you're going through stuff, just tell me. We are partners in everything. Think outside of the box. Be curious. Be courageous. Give grace to humanity, including mine and yours. Be kind. Just tell me...did I say that already :) Communication is so important. Integrity is important. Be on time. Make me feel like I'm the queen. And I will make you feel like the queen too...haha! Oh yeah, you have to be open sexually too. And if your not, we can talk all about it. :) But don't apply if your really not. Be willing to life. Be a Yes to life. Know how to dance and loves doing it. Be social. Be well educated. Have much fun. Wants to give everything to everyone. Be loving. Unless you're doing something, say YES. Love and respect your parents. Must love my kids and my animals or least not allergic to them. Must be passionate about something in their lives. And at some point must have do the Landmark Forum, preferably before our first date.
And I would like to add not a butta face!!! HAHA -oh did I mention have a sense a humor?
Good hygiene. Don't just live paycheck to paycheck...must have something else cooking. Speaking of cooking, again, must be willing to be open to juicing, vegetarian and raw. And the environment, cannot be a Toll's Brother!! :) And would be open to moving or at least open to the conversation.
OK so here's the start, not too much really!! I don't say must love mustard!!!
I'm just looking for my Johnny Cash!!!
I'm a strong, independent woman that's looking for a full fledged partner. I'm thinking that either that I haven't been honest about that or I scare men. I can be scary, but my bark is worse than my bite. All I'm looking for is a man who can play that part.
What is that part?
It means be in communication about your life and mine. Be interested. Be fun. Smile an awful lot cause your happy as shit. Be inspirational to yourself and to me. Be real, it's all good if you're going through stuff, just tell me. We are partners in everything. Think outside of the box. Be curious. Be courageous. Give grace to humanity, including mine and yours. Be kind. Just tell me...did I say that already :) Communication is so important. Integrity is important. Be on time. Make me feel like I'm the queen. And I will make you feel like the queen too...haha! Oh yeah, you have to be open sexually too. And if your not, we can talk all about it. :) But don't apply if your really not. Be willing to life. Be a Yes to life. Know how to dance and loves doing it. Be social. Be well educated. Have much fun. Wants to give everything to everyone. Be loving. Unless you're doing something, say YES. Love and respect your parents. Must love my kids and my animals or least not allergic to them. Must be passionate about something in their lives. And at some point must have do the Landmark Forum, preferably before our first date.
And I would like to add not a butta face!!! HAHA -oh did I mention have a sense a humor?
Good hygiene. Don't just live paycheck to paycheck...must have something else cooking. Speaking of cooking, again, must be willing to be open to juicing, vegetarian and raw. And the environment, cannot be a Toll's Brother!! :) And would be open to moving or at least open to the conversation.
OK so here's the start, not too much really!! I don't say must love mustard!!!
I'm just looking for my Johnny Cash!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
WTF!!!
Ha -great title eh?
That's how I feel right now and have been for the past few days. This is a whole shit load of stuff I'm dealing with.
I'm bummed I have been thrown off my raw and bikram kick. Caring for my mom has not been easy.
I have lost her handbag and ruined her phone. What are my actions saying?
I am resentful and I really hate that I am.
I'm resenting that she's not well and no one is getting her better.
I am resentful that I have to dramatically alter my life to fit hers.
I am resenting my sister for going away at a time like this, even though I told her to go.
I am resenting certain people in my life for not being her for me like I thought they would.
I'm shocked that her friends haven't stepped up to the plate, not even her "friend" Bob. I invited him out today and he didn't accept my offer.
I'm resentful that my mom has led such an independent life.
And I'm scared to death that will be me some day!!!!
I watch my mom and I am constantly reminded of my own humanity. And alone with no one but my children. I will not put this burden on my kids. Either because I will go out doing what I love; sex, traveling, riding, or something outrageous like being shot for standing up for something righteous and new. Or I will have plans for my future.
I have been awkwardly silenced by her illness. Which I don't like. I am suppressed. And what do I do when I'm suppressed??
Eat, Drink, Smoke...not exactly Eat, Pray, love!!
I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself.
And I'm using this as an excuse to continue this behavior and trust me it's not wrong, I did it for years and was quite happy, it's just doesn't work for me at this time in my life or perhaps in moderation, which BTW has NOT worked for me in the past but the past doesn't dictate who I am now right?? SO I coudl very well be health raw girl and fabu tailgate girl all in one and in moderation. I have no idea what that looks like.
I want a creative, loving relationship where I can get kinky and be completely fulfilled with so much love other people around us will be sick. HAHA!! I want a partner who is up for it all!! I don't want to be alone anymore.
Any takers??
Cheers
That's how I feel right now and have been for the past few days. This is a whole shit load of stuff I'm dealing with.
I'm bummed I have been thrown off my raw and bikram kick. Caring for my mom has not been easy.
I have lost her handbag and ruined her phone. What are my actions saying?
I am resentful and I really hate that I am.
I'm resenting that she's not well and no one is getting her better.
I am resentful that I have to dramatically alter my life to fit hers.
I am resenting my sister for going away at a time like this, even though I told her to go.
I am resenting certain people in my life for not being her for me like I thought they would.
I'm shocked that her friends haven't stepped up to the plate, not even her "friend" Bob. I invited him out today and he didn't accept my offer.
I'm resentful that my mom has led such an independent life.
And I'm scared to death that will be me some day!!!!
I watch my mom and I am constantly reminded of my own humanity. And alone with no one but my children. I will not put this burden on my kids. Either because I will go out doing what I love; sex, traveling, riding, or something outrageous like being shot for standing up for something righteous and new. Or I will have plans for my future.
I have been awkwardly silenced by her illness. Which I don't like. I am suppressed. And what do I do when I'm suppressed??
Eat, Drink, Smoke...not exactly Eat, Pray, love!!
I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself.
And I'm using this as an excuse to continue this behavior and trust me it's not wrong, I did it for years and was quite happy, it's just doesn't work for me at this time in my life or perhaps in moderation, which BTW has NOT worked for me in the past but the past doesn't dictate who I am now right?? SO I coudl very well be health raw girl and fabu tailgate girl all in one and in moderation. I have no idea what that looks like.
I want a creative, loving relationship where I can get kinky and be completely fulfilled with so much love other people around us will be sick. HAHA!! I want a partner who is up for it all!! I don't want to be alone anymore.
Any takers??
Cheers
Friday, May 7, 2010
Throw mama from the train...
So she got here at 8:30pm and we were fighting by 10pm. This was after she threw the "That was Easy" button at Luke. Yeah that doesn't work. And I think she's coherent enough to know that her baby is reprimanding her and that doesn't work either, so she fights me and gets really nasty.
I have hard time being with nasty. So perhaps this is a good thing for me. I don't like it in me or others. I go back to when I was young and everyone in my family was teasing me, except for Carol and my mom would never do anything about it. I felt so betrayed, alone, and misunderstood and really not loved or protected. And I've been interacting with my family now just like that upset 7yr old, except I have a lot more words to express myself. A lot of nasty words. WOW -I'm just seeing this unravel right now. I have gone back in to this dynamic and my siblings aren't respecting me or listening to me (experience of being teased) and my mom is not only protecting me but has become one of them, the ultra experience of betrayal.
WOW -So I could keep this going and eventually piss off my friends, trying to convince them how right I am and what a victim I am of my fucked up family.
Or I could create something brand new like, being a powerful leader for the health and well being of my family. I forgot that I created this a while back. HA! Once I was asked, whats the best thing about forgetting? Remembering."
I love my mama and now I don't wanna throw her from the train!!
I have hard time being with nasty. So perhaps this is a good thing for me. I don't like it in me or others. I go back to when I was young and everyone in my family was teasing me, except for Carol and my mom would never do anything about it. I felt so betrayed, alone, and misunderstood and really not loved or protected. And I've been interacting with my family now just like that upset 7yr old, except I have a lot more words to express myself. A lot of nasty words. WOW -I'm just seeing this unravel right now. I have gone back in to this dynamic and my siblings aren't respecting me or listening to me (experience of being teased) and my mom is not only protecting me but has become one of them, the ultra experience of betrayal.
WOW -So I could keep this going and eventually piss off my friends, trying to convince them how right I am and what a victim I am of my fucked up family.
Or I could create something brand new like, being a powerful leader for the health and well being of my family. I forgot that I created this a while back. HA! Once I was asked, whats the best thing about forgetting? Remembering."
I love my mama and now I don't wanna throw her from the train!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
You don't bring me flowers
I don't have anyone to bring me flowers.
My mom used to play this song over and over during her divorce. I was 10 or so during this time. I became a Neil Diamond/ Barbara Streisand fan, I'm not bragging, trust me!!! But I felt what she was feeling.
Today at the hospital she said, "your dad just walked by". He died 3 yrs ago.
She's coming home tomorrow!! I 'should' be happy but I'm not. She's not the same person. Yes it might be temporary. I hope it is and in the meantime she's with me. And my mom 'should' be the mom I know her to be. And she's not. This just sucks!!
She's the one who tells me the difference between lays and lies. And even in her oddness, she corrected me today with Pinks and not Scarlet's. I can't live with out her even while she's here.
Looking at her mail, she has her Philadelphia Orchestra tickets. I have more to learn from her.
This isn't fair. I'm trying to bring play to this situation as much as possible. Maybe I should take more LSD to be on her plane. That's funny. She has always been very open to my psychedelic drug use but I thought it was only to be able to relate to me more. That's all she really wants.
For many years I hated her, of course this was in my teenage years, in my 20's I silently admired her, in my 30's I researched her, now in my 40's I adore her.
Even in this state she worries how she looks. She's my only connection to my childhood. The only reason I love horses is because of her. I know I might not always show it but she taught me my manners and I am who I am because of her. I can go anywhere and be fabulous because of her. She's not the normal human being. She's an extraordinary human being.
We used to lie in bed talking about death. I was about 6 or so and I liked to scare myself and think about what it would be like when everyone was gone and she would take me the scary side and then give me hugs and say, "don't worry yourself of that sort of stuff, that it would be a long time before that would happen." Then we would talk about the stars and the universe.
My mom and I would never talk small stuff.
Thank God.
I'm scared to have her in my life in a different way. It could be good. But why am I, the youngest suppose to be the one?
I'm dealing with my title of the youngest one.
I'm irritated that my siblings don't respect me. And that they have a listening for me as irresponsible. Which, trust me, in the past I have lived up to. But I'm not anymore and they still look at me like that. Because, I have kept them at arm distance, I can see my responsibility in this picture. And I am the only responsible for this...grrrr. I wish I could blame them!!
I am going through it right now and would love to move out West tomorrow. Ha!
I'm brilliant at running. No more.
I'm here.
My mom used to play this song over and over during her divorce. I was 10 or so during this time. I became a Neil Diamond/ Barbara Streisand fan, I'm not bragging, trust me!!! But I felt what she was feeling.
Today at the hospital she said, "your dad just walked by". He died 3 yrs ago.
She's coming home tomorrow!! I 'should' be happy but I'm not. She's not the same person. Yes it might be temporary. I hope it is and in the meantime she's with me. And my mom 'should' be the mom I know her to be. And she's not. This just sucks!!
She's the one who tells me the difference between lays and lies. And even in her oddness, she corrected me today with Pinks and not Scarlet's. I can't live with out her even while she's here.
Looking at her mail, she has her Philadelphia Orchestra tickets. I have more to learn from her.
This isn't fair. I'm trying to bring play to this situation as much as possible. Maybe I should take more LSD to be on her plane. That's funny. She has always been very open to my psychedelic drug use but I thought it was only to be able to relate to me more. That's all she really wants.
For many years I hated her, of course this was in my teenage years, in my 20's I silently admired her, in my 30's I researched her, now in my 40's I adore her.
Even in this state she worries how she looks. She's my only connection to my childhood. The only reason I love horses is because of her. I know I might not always show it but she taught me my manners and I am who I am because of her. I can go anywhere and be fabulous because of her. She's not the normal human being. She's an extraordinary human being.
We used to lie in bed talking about death. I was about 6 or so and I liked to scare myself and think about what it would be like when everyone was gone and she would take me the scary side and then give me hugs and say, "don't worry yourself of that sort of stuff, that it would be a long time before that would happen." Then we would talk about the stars and the universe.
My mom and I would never talk small stuff.
Thank God.
I'm scared to have her in my life in a different way. It could be good. But why am I, the youngest suppose to be the one?
I'm dealing with my title of the youngest one.
I'm irritated that my siblings don't respect me. And that they have a listening for me as irresponsible. Which, trust me, in the past I have lived up to. But I'm not anymore and they still look at me like that. Because, I have kept them at arm distance, I can see my responsibility in this picture. And I am the only responsible for this...grrrr. I wish I could blame them!!
I am going through it right now and would love to move out West tomorrow. Ha!
I'm brilliant at running. No more.
I'm here.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
When my time comes...
It's all part of the journey eh? Well today was a rough ride and it was piggy backed on yesterdays rough ride. Usually I can shake a funky day but since I have been back I have been wondering if it would be running away from my problems if I moved away. And I came up with yes and no.
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years. More than most and less than some. And I like to surround myself around like minded people and for the most part I have and there is still a gap.
I wonder if it can be created here where I am or in a different area where there are more people who are like me. AND thats another thing, one thing does NOT define me. I enjoy so many things that seems to land on both sides of the scales.
So then where do I find it all??
I am it all and I love who I am.
Raw: I made dehydrated kiwi, mango and strawberries gummies today. They were good and the dehydrator kicks ass!!
Mom: Good news, she most likely has Prendisone Psychosis, which means it's reversible but it's going to take some time!! So hopefully, mama will be back!! I can't wait!!
Peace
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years. More than most and less than some. And I like to surround myself around like minded people and for the most part I have and there is still a gap.
I wonder if it can be created here where I am or in a different area where there are more people who are like me. AND thats another thing, one thing does NOT define me. I enjoy so many things that seems to land on both sides of the scales.
So then where do I find it all??
I am it all and I love who I am.
Raw: I made dehydrated kiwi, mango and strawberries gummies today. They were good and the dehydrator kicks ass!!
Mom: Good news, she most likely has Prendisone Psychosis, which means it's reversible but it's going to take some time!! So hopefully, mama will be back!! I can't wait!!
Peace
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Build a roomie....like build a bear!! HA!
Cool eh? Sounds good to me. So here's what I have come up with so far.
A man between 30 and 40, perhaps even a single dad and his kid could hang here too or he has to love kids. He's into communal living and has had some experience with it. He's educated in the area of sustainable living and eats a deliberate healthy diet. Practices yoga and is interested in alternative practices in general. Is active and creative, polite, grounded, passionate, respectful and kind. And has to be willing to be a yes in life. Hmm, is that just a roommate?
As far as the raw today -I ate raw, I bought a boat load of it, I juiced but I didn't make anything new today. I'm finding it a challenge to get everything, manage my life and make food. SO theres the gap. Awesome! I'm sure I will fail many times before its a natural thing. Thank goodness for failure, it shows us what to look at!
My mom -a tough day for me it was. We don't have any answers yet and that can be frustrating. Just watching her in this coma state is tough. She's such a vibrant, passionate, happy, wonderful woman -this isn't the woman I know.
And I'm having troubles being with my family. At times I wish I was an only child. I love my siblings but I allow them to interact with me in such a way that doesn't work and I do this because I don't like confrontations, especially in times like these but actually I was thinking this may be the perfect time for it and maybe what mom wants. Ha! There are opportunities all of the time right? And I have always been the one in the family to talk about that elephant in the room at very unusual times. I'm tired of thinking there is something wrong with me being that way!! No more excuses, no explanations!!
No more explaining!! I love that! I can be responsible with this too, it's not like I'm going to hold up the 7-11 and say F you!! HA! It means i don't have to make excuses for who I am to anyone, or explain my actions. If there are people in my life who don't know that I'm coming from love, honor and respect, obviously they aren't that important to me. Or they don't want to let me in!!
And thats OK!!
Build a roomie -raw struggles -mommy dreams -family nightmares -no explanations!!
Much Love
A man between 30 and 40, perhaps even a single dad and his kid could hang here too or he has to love kids. He's into communal living and has had some experience with it. He's educated in the area of sustainable living and eats a deliberate healthy diet. Practices yoga and is interested in alternative practices in general. Is active and creative, polite, grounded, passionate, respectful and kind. And has to be willing to be a yes in life. Hmm, is that just a roommate?
As far as the raw today -I ate raw, I bought a boat load of it, I juiced but I didn't make anything new today. I'm finding it a challenge to get everything, manage my life and make food. SO theres the gap. Awesome! I'm sure I will fail many times before its a natural thing. Thank goodness for failure, it shows us what to look at!
My mom -a tough day for me it was. We don't have any answers yet and that can be frustrating. Just watching her in this coma state is tough. She's such a vibrant, passionate, happy, wonderful woman -this isn't the woman I know.
And I'm having troubles being with my family. At times I wish I was an only child. I love my siblings but I allow them to interact with me in such a way that doesn't work and I do this because I don't like confrontations, especially in times like these but actually I was thinking this may be the perfect time for it and maybe what mom wants. Ha! There are opportunities all of the time right? And I have always been the one in the family to talk about that elephant in the room at very unusual times. I'm tired of thinking there is something wrong with me being that way!! No more excuses, no explanations!!
No more explaining!! I love that! I can be responsible with this too, it's not like I'm going to hold up the 7-11 and say F you!! HA! It means i don't have to make excuses for who I am to anyone, or explain my actions. If there are people in my life who don't know that I'm coming from love, honor and respect, obviously they aren't that important to me. Or they don't want to let me in!!
And thats OK!!
Build a roomie -raw struggles -mommy dreams -family nightmares -no explanations!!
Much Love
Monday, May 3, 2010
Megan And Juliano and Joel
First to tell you a brief background. Joel is a friend of mine who I met a year ago in a Landmark Seminar. One of my best girlfriends became friends with him and they started the Catalyst Cleanse company in oh about a month. And it's kicking ass now!
He used to make raw food for Dr Oz. who I still have never seen but I know is someone who is respected. Anyway, he knows his shit in the Raw world. He has been making juice and raw food for me for the past year. Thanks Joel!!
Juliano, I met on my last trip out to California. I looked up a raw food restaurant on my iPhone and his place came up in Santa Monica, Planet Raw and I fell in love with his food. He happened to be there so I talked with him about the juicing world. So I bought his book and have now decided to make a recipe a day for the next thirty days.
With all of that being said, I kicked ass the first day and stocked my fridge with everything one would need to live a raw diet. I made like five recipes with Christian and it was so much fun and the food was great. We also built a dehydrator out of a box fan and screens, with it I have made Kale chips and really good flax seed crackers. Thanks to Christian and his boyish ways, we also came up with flax seed lube which we promptly gave as a gag gift to our friend Mike for his birthday and it might turn out not to be such a gag. LOL!!
Grocery shopping used to be a nightmare for me, I used to love the Clash's song 'All lost in the Supermarket' cause that was me. But NO MORE!!
I'm a queen in the market.
I am missing my sidekick though!! I miss having someone here to banter with and go shopping with and garden with etc...I am looking for a replacement, actually that will never happen, so what I'm looking for is someone who bring something to the house that is unique and adds to it and my community. The only requirement is that they speak with Christian for an interview, he knows exactly whats up!!!
Back to the raw: so I made many things and I'm finding that it takes something to prepare your food every day. I'm having a tough time doing that with all I have going on and it's because of all of this going on that I'm doing this anyway, so the two complement each other well. I cannot forget that.
My mom is in the hospital and we are working on what the cause of this craziness is. My brother has bladder cancer and is fighting that and all that goes with the TB treatments and gout and ick!! And my niece is in the hospital with kidney stones and problems passing them.
I hate that my family isn't well right now. So i'm trying to keep myself well so I can be present with them and a support for them.
Although I had a bit of a break this past weekend. I just have to be mindful of my partying at these upcoming events. I can tend to drink a bit too much and then all thoughts and actions of health go right out the window. And for me and the Lyme Disease I have to take it easy or else I will get sick.
But to compare how my body feels on a all of the time raw or juicing diet vs. most of the time, it's easy, my body and mind rocks while eating raw and it's foggy when I'm not. I for the most part don't have digestive issues when eating raw or juicing and have so much energy.
So with that being said, I will be going to the market to fetch myself some veggies and get my raw on!! I will share some of these recipes from time to time as well.
I'm quite tired and am going to bed!!
Peace and Love to all!!
He used to make raw food for Dr Oz. who I still have never seen but I know is someone who is respected. Anyway, he knows his shit in the Raw world. He has been making juice and raw food for me for the past year. Thanks Joel!!
Juliano, I met on my last trip out to California. I looked up a raw food restaurant on my iPhone and his place came up in Santa Monica, Planet Raw and I fell in love with his food. He happened to be there so I talked with him about the juicing world. So I bought his book and have now decided to make a recipe a day for the next thirty days.
With all of that being said, I kicked ass the first day and stocked my fridge with everything one would need to live a raw diet. I made like five recipes with Christian and it was so much fun and the food was great. We also built a dehydrator out of a box fan and screens, with it I have made Kale chips and really good flax seed crackers. Thanks to Christian and his boyish ways, we also came up with flax seed lube which we promptly gave as a gag gift to our friend Mike for his birthday and it might turn out not to be such a gag. LOL!!
Grocery shopping used to be a nightmare for me, I used to love the Clash's song 'All lost in the Supermarket' cause that was me. But NO MORE!!
I'm a queen in the market.
I am missing my sidekick though!! I miss having someone here to banter with and go shopping with and garden with etc...I am looking for a replacement, actually that will never happen, so what I'm looking for is someone who bring something to the house that is unique and adds to it and my community. The only requirement is that they speak with Christian for an interview, he knows exactly whats up!!!
Back to the raw: so I made many things and I'm finding that it takes something to prepare your food every day. I'm having a tough time doing that with all I have going on and it's because of all of this going on that I'm doing this anyway, so the two complement each other well. I cannot forget that.
My mom is in the hospital and we are working on what the cause of this craziness is. My brother has bladder cancer and is fighting that and all that goes with the TB treatments and gout and ick!! And my niece is in the hospital with kidney stones and problems passing them.
I hate that my family isn't well right now. So i'm trying to keep myself well so I can be present with them and a support for them.
Although I had a bit of a break this past weekend. I just have to be mindful of my partying at these upcoming events. I can tend to drink a bit too much and then all thoughts and actions of health go right out the window. And for me and the Lyme Disease I have to take it easy or else I will get sick.
But to compare how my body feels on a all of the time raw or juicing diet vs. most of the time, it's easy, my body and mind rocks while eating raw and it's foggy when I'm not. I for the most part don't have digestive issues when eating raw or juicing and have so much energy.
So with that being said, I will be going to the market to fetch myself some veggies and get my raw on!! I will share some of these recipes from time to time as well.
I'm quite tired and am going to bed!!
Peace and Love to all!!
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