This is it

Today was a trying day for me!! I woke up very tired and just couldn't catch up it seemed. My riding was a step behind with little moments of being present, but mostly felt like I was asleep up there. I had the sense to not push myself while in this state and did flat work. Then the day kept on going like days do and yet I was in a fog and not present. I wasn't upset or depressed about it which is a big change for me. Usually when things don't go my way or the days occurs out of control I tend to slip into the 'whats wrong with me' and wow, not once did that even come up today! Yippee! But it wasn't a spectacular day or a misfit day, it was a pleasant and quiet day.
I wasn't confronting anything that I could see, yet wanted to be alone with Luke. It would have been a great, 'In loving Silence' day.
Then the cravings hit! For fried fattening food. And I bought the kids Southern style ribs and cornbread and fried chicken!! They are gonna gain the weight I lose! Oi!
There has to be something there. I called my juicing peeps and friends and just vented and they just loved me up until it passed. There is still something around, 'it's not fair' that others can eat and not gain weight, whaaa, 'it's not fair that Suzy Q doesn't have to study and gets all A's'....whaaa, it could really go on and on with me!! HA! It's a conversation of a 6yr old who didn't get her way! And given that I was a spoiled brat most of my life, I got a lot of whaaaa's. LOL.
I didn't break my fast! YAY! My kids are happy and healthy and my life is great!!

Day 6, fun and what's next?

I was a bit hungry today because I was preoccupied by a fabulous date I was on and I didn't drink my juice as much as I should -so by 5 o'clock I was ready for a burger! HA.
I have added some supplements into my juice for all of you worrywarts out there. And that has been giving me a lot of energy. And thank you worrywarts for your loving concerns.

I have been looking at my life and what's next...what do I want to worry about??
Because I'm going to worry about something, so I might as well have it be meaningful in the world.
Now of course, I have my kids, that's just a given and I will always worry about them. And that's quite meaningful!!
So then what?
For many years it was the environment, and for many of you that was shoved down your throats HaHa.
Then there was Landmark and again, down your throats.
At least you can count on me to be passionate and what I'm passionate about it will be shoved down your throats!! In a very loving way I hope you know. And there's always a bigger picture involved.
So I have come up with a few things that I would like to share with you.
I will be doing a project for giving food to the hungry in the area. That won't be shoved down your throats unless your hungry...
Next, I'm looking at getting trained to do energy work on horses. I did some of it the other day on a pony and it was just awesome being with her and being able to read her body and what hurts. I can't explain it but I've been doing it with people too but it seems more rewarding all the way around for animals because they don't have a voice.
I will be assisting for the Landmark Forum coming up in April, and I just love giving my time for others. I know many hours of peoples time has been given up for me and in order to keep it you have to give it away. I've been reading a book called "The Gift" and it's all about the energy of gifts and how they build, lose or deplete energy from the giver and/or receiver. I've always been a firm believer in that philosophy!!
I have also been looking at farmland property. I would like to have more land and smaller house and a place to have possibly an environmentally sustainable community of people living on it and with possibly organic farming. Not too certain with this one and I just keep throwing it out there to see what comes back.
So there are some things in my mind...

So back to the fabu date...
It's nice to feel taken cared of and desired. And that's what today was like.
That's all I'm gonna say about that! ;)

Night all...pleasant and pleasurable dreams!!

Day 4 and 5 and boundaries!!

Well I'm feeling fine and juicing away! Today I went to Kimberton Whole foods with Luke and he was grabbing the rice crust pizza and saying I can't wait to eat this. So baby steps it is with him.
I'm learning about my body and what it wants.
My fear is that after I'm finished juicing that I will go right back to eating shitty foods. Again times they are a changin because my "shitty" foods are now all organic but still not necessarily a healthy choice for my body. And I felt quite entitled about eating foods that are bad for me. Like I should be able to and it's not fair that I can't and whaaaaa....
Now I'm choosing foods that nourish me vs deplete me.
YEAH!!

What's on my mind right now is boundaries.
Either people have them or they don't.
And those who have them treat themselves with love and respect as well as others, and those who don't seem quite careless with their emotions and themselves.
Boundaries can make or break someone.
Why is that? Where are boundaries formed? Family, friends, school, parents??
Again , it's not in the Gosh Darned parent manual!! HA!
A microwave and TV come with a manual but not when you become a parent.
I am just learning about my boundaries and expressing them. It's actually embarrassing to admit this but it's true. I have had so much crap in my life because I was afraid to say how I really felt in fear that the person wouldn't like me and go away. And it occurred to me as "real" fear, like being chased by a lion; I assume. So I would keep in and negate myself and allow others to either treat me bad or miss out on opportunities.
A lot of that has changed since I did the Landmark Forum for sure and I continue to work on this area!!
I love having boundaries!! Everyone needs and wants them.
I just love my life!!
Off to bed!!!!
Cheers

Day 3 -Sat night!!

I made it through Jeanette's wonderful Birthday Party clean and sober. Now a days that means without food and wine, quite a shift from years past -HA!!
When I was driving there I was thinking about all of the great benefits of not drinking.
Then I walked in and smelled the beer, smelled the fried food and wanted to order a double shot of Crown chilled, a beer and a bucket of wings. I don't really like wings but in that moment I sure did.
I kept on walking up the stairs thru the funky dico dance floor to the private area for her party and I made it!!!
In the moment I felt like was walking through a war zone and wondered if I was going to make it through the night. And something just clicked and I decided to be present with my friends and to not let alcohol or food get in between us. And it was magical!! At one point as I was re living my perfection moment while talking to friends, I was so with them it was like we were in our own little bubble or pod and the rest of the noise was silent. It was a beautiful experience.
I drank water and danced my ass off. I allowed my sensuality to come out and play and it was fun, fun, fun. All of my senses, even though I wasn't eating the taste of the lemon in my water was divine, I touched my friends and gave them loving hugs and the smells of patchouli and garlic and yummy smells filled the air. And the DJ's music was loud and crisp and my body just moved to it.
Now with all of that being said, I ask myself over and over, why are you doing this? What is your long term goal?? Because as I make my kids pancakes and waffles and strudels and sweets and sugars oh my, I realize that we all need a huge over haul in health!!
This is good, cause like the old saying goes, 'the family that prays together, stays together' well for my family it will be, 'the family that nourishes itself, will live a happy and healthy life'.

Day 2 -juicing and relationships

Ha! I did it!! I even went to an art show and I was a little tempted to eat and I kept my cool.

I sat in a bath this morning filled with a mustard, cayenne and eucalyptus mixture that is good for cleansing. As I soaked, sweated and cried because I was looking at relationships and I became sad. I was missing my last relationship because in so many ways he was easy to train, his mama had done good! HA! And yet there were other areas that really didn't work for me at all. So I pondered the areas that I am just not willing to train a guy in.

Spiritual awareness. If he doesn't have any, keep on walking!! No time for me.
Sex. I'm willing to go further down the road but he has to be on that same road with me. Let's explore together.
Confidence and Integrity. A must. Without it, time is wasted.

Those are deal breakers for sure and I bet there are more but I just started to look at this.
I think everything else I could be willing to train them in.

And as I sat in the bath, which is good to do during cleanses, I came to the realization that I want attention when I want it and don't when I don't and I want a man who can handle that.
I want to be treated like a Queen and trust me, my man will be well taken care of. I am most passionate about checking to make sure he is taken care of, usually at the cost of myself but no longer. It will be a beautifully symbiotic relationship where both parties are flourishing and loving their lives!! So that there is much left over for everyone in our lives to prosper and win!
I'm falling in love with this vision as I'm writing it now.
And this is new to me and I look forward to creating it with someone.
Boy this juice really brings out all of it!!
Thanks so much for following along with me through this journey! I hope it can add something to your life as well. Without you, I wouldn't exist.
Nite Nite!!

Day 5 -but not really

So I've been silently suffering with this 30 day juice cleanse. And a fellow 30 day juicer asked me what is it I am confronting out of this cleanse. Maybe it's the 30 days, maybe it's something coming up for me that I don't want to look at. I'm not sure. I do know I said 30 days and I haven't been following it the way I like to be. I started this cleanse to break unhealthy habits and to take myself up a notch in that area. As I write this I remember walking into to Whole Foods today and not feeling like the song, "All Lost in the Supermarket". And I learned a whole lot about health and my body thanks to my friend and her guidance. And I bought a cookbook about making meals for kids that are healthy and that they will like. Luke, who is 9 wants to starve himself on the weekends so he can lose weight. He's 9!! and a string bean. Ugh!
I am now looking at my relationship to food. It has never been a love affair that I enjoyed. I have always had my weight go up and down and I resented other people who's weight didn't. And I resented God for making me this way and my mom and dad and the mailman and....the list went on. Especially as a teenager, if I didn't fit the role of little miss thing I wasn't good enough. Now I just told you that my weight fluctuated, so you can imagine how many times I wasn't enough. I obsessed about my weight all of the time and how I looked in my clothes. If I wasn't comfortable I would do crazy things. One time when I was 13 or 14, I went to the competitors party for the Radnor 3-day Event with my mom and I didn't like what I was wearing, I'm sure I felt fat and my mom made me wear a skirt!! So I walked in the front door and everyone was wearing jeans, like I had pleaded with her to wear and I was furious, embarrassed and uncomfortable. A few minutes later I ask my mom for the keys to her car to grab my Carmex ( highly addictive lip balm, that should be banned -ha) and off I drove back to my house about 15mins away, changed and strolled calmly back into the party. Of course as I pulled up to the clubhouse, she was standing there on the steps and I gave her the keys and said, "I don't want to talk about it!!" and we didn't. I felt completely justified of course and I had a few drinks to settle the nerves that night too!
So, I guess when I look at what I am confronting, it's years and years of self abuse around weight. Laxatives, puking, not eating, binging, diet pills...and right up to the start and even into this cleanse. That's why I'm saying it's not really day 5.
Today is day 1 and then we begin again.

Cheers

African Queen

Ok so I admit it, someday I would like to have a Charlie in my life.
What a great ol' film. And it depicts the 'good dog' syndrome brilliantly.
I just love a good love story!!
Nite all!

Man/Woman -Juicing -Perfection...dont miss this one!

So I remember being told in life to never expect anyone to be perfect or expect for myself to be perfect. So I figured perfect was only used to describe circles or triangles and it was something to strive towards as long as you know that it is never reached. And yet being a Virgo I am a perfectionist and somehow because of the time of my birth I have to make sure that myself, my surroundings, the people in my life are all somehow a version of perfection or I can never be truely at peace or happy. Hmm, a bit of a conflict.
So today I sat with three amazing human beings who fought for the worlds perfection and then finally my perfection and I argued against it.
I am para -phrasing:

Q: How is the world perfect when people are starving?
A: We would be bored if there wasn't someone to feed or take care of.

Q: Murder? How is that perfect?
A: In the murderers eyes, they are doing the right thing, they wouldn't do it if it was wrong to them, and we have so many laws to keep people from killing each other and they work really well considering how many people there are and we as humans are designed to kill if needed.

Q: Suicide?
A: We all decide when to die when you get down to it. Some people even hang on until they know that certain people are with them before dying. For some their life was so miserable it was worth dying for.

Q: My body isn't perfect -I would like to be super thin
A: No you don't or else you would be already. Maybe you need something to complain about, your problems aren't big enough so you obsess on your weight and your body. Get bigger problems.

Q: How come I have this voice in my head that says I'm not perfect, could never be perfect and not only that but I could do a lot better in life? That's NOT perfect.
A: Well if you think about it, isn't that voice in your head always right? Yes. I mean never ever wrong? Yes. So who is that voice? Someone other than you? No. Well then it's you who is saying this, you who has control over your life and you who has been in driving these imperfect conversations the whole time.
So if it's you driving, can't you decide where to go? Yes.
And that at times you want to go to being imperfect? Yes.
And if perfect meant being the best it can possibly be in this moment and you are the one saying all of these things, isn't that perfect?? Yes.
And everything in your life is by your own design then you and your life are perfect?
Yes, I am perfect and everything in my life is perfect.
And it can be better if I want.
I can have it anyway I want, because I already do.
What a freeing statement!!

Juicing -day four, releasing many things, physically and emotionally and that's all I will say about that. :)

Man/Woman - this course was fantastic!
Men -are linear, they like to do lists, don't like to be interrupted once a task is started because its hard for them to turn around, either violence or the threat of violence gets them to change direction, all they want to do in life is make woman happy, they are providers and they are not happy when they can't provide or are not making their woman happy. They like to be a 'good' dog, if you treat a man as good as a dog then he will be a happy, happy man. They bring fulfillment to the relationship. They don't need attention.
Woman -Thrive on attention, can multi -task, can change directions many times, can and do use threat on their men, can rule the world but would rather the men do it for them -that way everyone is happy, #1 thing that woman want -Companionship, #2 -Food, comforts, shelter, transport, #3 -luxury items -so men to make your woman happy, keep her happy, have her win and keep her in good company, even if it's not you, make sure she has lots of girlfriends around so you don't have to do it all. Women bring Promise and Fulfillment to the relationship.

So today I found out that I am perfect and all is well in the world and this weekend I sorted out that I don't need to have a man in my life to be happy and to be an accepted member of society!
HA ! Like I have ever been that anyway. Logically I knew that and yet for so long it has been told in this society that a woman should be with a man. So deep down I must not be right for being ok with that I'm alone. And in the meantime I've been making up all sorts of things about how I don't deserve love, or can't do it or blaa, blaa, blaa, when really I don't really want one or else I would do the work to be in a relationship. And kudos to all you fabulous relationships I encountered this weekend. I fell in love with your lives and I'm gonna really enjoy mine too!

Thanks for letting me rant, I hope this was an enjoyable read.

Juice

Sorry for not being a good blogger!! I had an amazing weekend doing a course that I will tlak about more tomorrow!!
Well today is the third day of a thirty day juice cleanse! Yes you heard correctly 30 friggin days!
Why you might ask, am I nuts? Well that's already determined -yes but thats not why.
I'm doing it for a few reasons.
Last year around this time I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I was bed ridden for three months and on major doses of antibiotics. This had been my fourth time with Lyme and this time it really kicked my arse. It's important with Lyme Disease to maintain my well being because if I wear myself down it will creep back up, so it's like an internal shut off valve! HA! I just thought of that but that's my experience of how it happens. When I go too hard for too long, my body turns off and shuts down and I am back to being bed ridden. I also had broken up with a guy who I was seeing for about 6 months but had also known him since 10 grade of high school and this was the third time around we tried to date. I mention this because it adds to the stress of everything, you know like if I had a check list of stress things in life. So with all of that I have gained like 15 lbs. I also sold my horse and stopped riding. And then started drinking an awful lot before my 40th birthday -hmm think I was a little confronted by turning 40?? I found that I wasn't happy with my body or spiritual mind either. So I got back into riding which for me is such therapy and I can see when I have horses in my life, I'm all good and when I don't watch out and started doing these juice cleanses.
The last juice cleanse I quit smoking!! And besides last Friday night I haven't had any for over two months. I also got rid of things in my life that weren't working. These things become much louder when your cleansing and much less easily ignored. It's amazing the crap I cover up with food, alcohol and smokes. I was so much more willing to sell out on myself and what I wanted.
Being on the juice also revealed some things to me that I wasn't willing to look at before. Drinking was one of those things.
I mean really, I'm a good blue blood and I drink as a we are well bred to do!
I didn't want to remove drinking all together from my life but in order for that to happen I needed to look at it not working the way it was. And I did.
So with the last juice cleanse, I quit smoking and cut back on the drinking.
With this one, I'm looking for a change in lifestyle frankly. My community around me is very active and healthy and I want more of that for myself. I am rejoining ACAC - local gym, tomorrow and starting a Yoga regime each week including some classes at my house.
Of course ride at least three times a week.
And i'm looking for property to move my family to. We want more space for riding horses, dirt bikes etc... And perhaps a place to have a community, organic farming, food co - op, not entirely sure but I am willing to have it all!!
So that's whats happening today with day 3!!
I will keep you posted.
Especially after tomorrow and my session with the Morehouse teachers. I can't wait to share my experience and will incorporate my experience from the past weekend. It all goes together! And is amazing!! I know you may have no idea what I'm talking about but I will fill you in, I promise!!

Perfection

I've been thinking about my imperfections and the world's imperfections.
Here are some of my thoughts:

If I was perfect then...

Why would I wake up and not say how much I love myself and my life?
Why would I have abused drugs, alcohol, food and anything I could get my hands on?
Why don't I love my body?

If life was perfect then...

Why is there disease?
Why is there abuse?
Why are there people starving on this planet?

See, next week I will be sitting in front of three teachers who will be arguing for my perfection, while I argue for the imperfections for three hours. Why?? Well I'm thinking that after three hours of bitching about how crappy my life is and the world is, I will be sick of myself and done with any opinion that I might still have that my life "should" be any other way than the way it is and that it's absolutely perfect!!!

How great!!
Stay tuned...

Welcome

So I've been awake since 6am which I hate when that happens. But I woke up to questions like:
Why am I here?
Why am I not happy in this particular moment?
Why doesn't he want me?
Why does he want me?
Why did I eat that ice cream last night?
In a perfect world...
So I created this blog so I can see if others wake up with those kinds of questions and if so what do you do with it?