Today I woke up feeling pretty darn good. I'm freezing cold and the thermostat is set at 80 degrees. My legs are achy and my stomach is cramping up. But I don't feel the Hot Herx's today, well at least so far. I found another blog regarding Lyme disease. I really like it. She talks about the circumstances that we all deal with. And we deal with the circumstance called Lyme disease and there are good days and not so good days, either way I still have Lyme disease. And normally I deal with it just fine with it and right now it's my time to heal.
So that's the context that I am trying on today.
My time to heal.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
In the Lymelight -day 32
So it's day 32 of a 56 days IV Antibiotic treatment. It's 1:30 am and I'm not sleeping because to get out of the pain and depressed state of today I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed.
This has been an awful experience that I'm having a hard time being positive about. I now can relate to Jake not wanting to writing about his experience because you want to be positive but a lot of the time, your pissed off, annoyed and have the "why me's" . Well at least I do. Not all the time but when my body is at a failure and I'm stuck in bed for days at a time, it's not easy to see the light. I wonder if this is going to be my future, and will my kids only remember the times that their mom was in bed with things hanging from her arm.
I haven't written about this because I'm not very secure about this disease and am finding more and more about it. But I blame myself and wonder if it's just me and I'm making it up to not participate in life. I hate to admit this but it's there. It's also what many doctors think, so no wonder I think it. Some doctors say Chronic Lyme doesn't exist. HA! I can only wish they get this and feel like I do, then someone say to them, it's only in their mind!!
My insurance won't pay for it and in trying to find an insurance who will cover me has been a real mess. Plus I'm sick and dealing with this is draining, even when you're well. I get no answers and get the go around.
I miss my dad, because he would be so understanding right now, unlike the trustees he placed for my trust. That's another story for another time, if any!! But I do miss my dad because he would take control of this to make sure I get the best care ever.
I am alone. Although I have the best friend ever , who will remain nameless at his request. But he has been my life saver and I don't know if he truly understands how much his partnership has meant to me lately!! Thank You my dear friend!! I'm not sure how I can repay you!
I can look back and see how many doctors I have seen over the years for separate things bothering me and if you lump into Lyme Disease, it makes sense.
I was first diagnosed 15 yrs ago and removed the tick and received a bulls-eye. Before diagnosis, I was admitted into Paoli Hospital for a possible appendicitis, nothing came up, then my knee swelled up and pain came, it was x-rayed and nothing. My doctor was dumbfounded and then I scratched my head and he happened to see the bulls -eye rash under my arm. I went on 6 weeks of tetracycline, not doxycycline and felt better.
Throughout the years I was diagnosed with mono, chronic fatigue, Epstein barr and Lyme disease 5 times over. It seemed as though it would never go away. Last year I had it I tried to do it all homeopathic but when my right side of face started to get numb, I reached for my anti- bios. But I treated a lot of it by homeopathic remedies. I am starting them tomorrow as well.
This sucks though because not sleeping is a symptom -boo hiss, plus aches all over, hot flashes, and shooting pains throughout.
Plus, I'm getting depressed by not being with others and letting my mind go crazy!!
Not fun!!
Gotta go...getting sleepy!! YAY!!
More to come!!
M
This has been an awful experience that I'm having a hard time being positive about. I now can relate to Jake not wanting to writing about his experience because you want to be positive but a lot of the time, your pissed off, annoyed and have the "why me's" . Well at least I do. Not all the time but when my body is at a failure and I'm stuck in bed for days at a time, it's not easy to see the light. I wonder if this is going to be my future, and will my kids only remember the times that their mom was in bed with things hanging from her arm.
I haven't written about this because I'm not very secure about this disease and am finding more and more about it. But I blame myself and wonder if it's just me and I'm making it up to not participate in life. I hate to admit this but it's there. It's also what many doctors think, so no wonder I think it. Some doctors say Chronic Lyme doesn't exist. HA! I can only wish they get this and feel like I do, then someone say to them, it's only in their mind!!
My insurance won't pay for it and in trying to find an insurance who will cover me has been a real mess. Plus I'm sick and dealing with this is draining, even when you're well. I get no answers and get the go around.
I miss my dad, because he would be so understanding right now, unlike the trustees he placed for my trust. That's another story for another time, if any!! But I do miss my dad because he would take control of this to make sure I get the best care ever.
I am alone. Although I have the best friend ever , who will remain nameless at his request. But he has been my life saver and I don't know if he truly understands how much his partnership has meant to me lately!! Thank You my dear friend!! I'm not sure how I can repay you!
I can look back and see how many doctors I have seen over the years for separate things bothering me and if you lump into Lyme Disease, it makes sense.
I was first diagnosed 15 yrs ago and removed the tick and received a bulls-eye. Before diagnosis, I was admitted into Paoli Hospital for a possible appendicitis, nothing came up, then my knee swelled up and pain came, it was x-rayed and nothing. My doctor was dumbfounded and then I scratched my head and he happened to see the bulls -eye rash under my arm. I went on 6 weeks of tetracycline, not doxycycline and felt better.
Throughout the years I was diagnosed with mono, chronic fatigue, Epstein barr and Lyme disease 5 times over. It seemed as though it would never go away. Last year I had it I tried to do it all homeopathic but when my right side of face started to get numb, I reached for my anti- bios. But I treated a lot of it by homeopathic remedies. I am starting them tomorrow as well.
This sucks though because not sleeping is a symptom -boo hiss, plus aches all over, hot flashes, and shooting pains throughout.
Plus, I'm getting depressed by not being with others and letting my mind go crazy!!
Not fun!!
Gotta go...getting sleepy!! YAY!!
More to come!!
M
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Juice Rant
So it's been months since my last confession. I find writing to be less of an outlet when I have the comforts of food, smoke and drink around me. Interesting to notice these things. And when I woke up this morning, I noticed my conversation I have with myself about having my first cigarette of the day. So instead, I grabbed my first juice and hopped into my jacuzzi.
So many things have transpired since my last rant.
My mom has gotten better and it was a result of an overdose of prendisone and a urinary tract infection. When older women get this they get crazy!!! Great just another thing to look forward to about being a woman. HA!! So she was out of it from the UTI and not remembering how many pills she was taking. WOW. And there is a touch of perhaps dementia creeping in and she sees it so how great is that. So we are looking at White Horse Village for her to visit, which is a retirement home where some of her lady friends stay.
As far as my brother and sister, I had been keeping my distance, until last week. Looking at it as a message to them that it's not OK to continue this old way of treatment of me. And my sister sets up a family photo with mom and a week at the beach. I mean they are family and there is a love I have for all of them. We shared a fantastic week together and it really was a blessing to have all of this crap happen and still we can pull together.
You don't have to like your family they say...you can't choose your family...so that brings me to my next topic...family and community.
I never understood when people would say this. OK fine, so I want to choose my family now. I want people in my life that I love and respect and honor who they are in the world and what they are up to. I want to actually like my family.
I have become active in an intentional community, which is a group of people who have been living together for the past 50 years. Recently I was out visiting their property in Lafayette California. Now I don't think one would say I was trying to keep up with the Jones and I usually make fun of the Jones and yet I live smack dab in the middle of the Jones. Hmm...odd.
I'm interested in seeing what it would be like to live deliberately with powerful choices of who I want in my life. Yes, on some level I have always been making this choice. Which has mostly been based out of obligation or based on just having people in my life so I wasn't alone.
I love my friends and community and I want more. I'm beginning my own research on community living. Not sure what its going to look like. I'm heading back there soon. That's for sure.
I have more to write about,
Love, which I am really playing in this arena and met someone who I want to have have in my life and who is willing to do research with me. I have been straight and honest with this guy and I'm not comprising a stick of anything. In compromising, everyone loses. With that being said, I'm not being selfish, I ask that of him too. It's been so much fun, risking and playing with him. He has a kind and calm spirit, with just enough hot pepper zest!!! I'm excited for whats to come!!
Riding, I'm not. I fell and gave myself a hematoma on my pubic bone. HA! Of all the places that has to be the worst for riding horses at least. This happened in July and its August. So I say one more week off. It still hurts a bunch. I've reconsidered the kind of riding I want in my life. It's a dangerous sport and I takes a lot longer to heal from a fall the older I get. I have also heard of people who were killed walking their horses out to the field. I'm not one to play it safe anywhere in my life and I don't want the message to my kids to be play it safe either. I also don't want to give the message of being reckless. So it's all developing.
Well thanks for listening for those that read this. It does help me to go through this process.
M
So many things have transpired since my last rant.
My mom has gotten better and it was a result of an overdose of prendisone and a urinary tract infection. When older women get this they get crazy!!! Great just another thing to look forward to about being a woman. HA!! So she was out of it from the UTI and not remembering how many pills she was taking. WOW. And there is a touch of perhaps dementia creeping in and she sees it so how great is that. So we are looking at White Horse Village for her to visit, which is a retirement home where some of her lady friends stay.
As far as my brother and sister, I had been keeping my distance, until last week. Looking at it as a message to them that it's not OK to continue this old way of treatment of me. And my sister sets up a family photo with mom and a week at the beach. I mean they are family and there is a love I have for all of them. We shared a fantastic week together and it really was a blessing to have all of this crap happen and still we can pull together.
You don't have to like your family they say...you can't choose your family...so that brings me to my next topic...family and community.
I never understood when people would say this. OK fine, so I want to choose my family now. I want people in my life that I love and respect and honor who they are in the world and what they are up to. I want to actually like my family.
I have become active in an intentional community, which is a group of people who have been living together for the past 50 years. Recently I was out visiting their property in Lafayette California. Now I don't think one would say I was trying to keep up with the Jones and I usually make fun of the Jones and yet I live smack dab in the middle of the Jones. Hmm...odd.
I'm interested in seeing what it would be like to live deliberately with powerful choices of who I want in my life. Yes, on some level I have always been making this choice. Which has mostly been based out of obligation or based on just having people in my life so I wasn't alone.
I love my friends and community and I want more. I'm beginning my own research on community living. Not sure what its going to look like. I'm heading back there soon. That's for sure.
I have more to write about,
Love, which I am really playing in this arena and met someone who I want to have have in my life and who is willing to do research with me. I have been straight and honest with this guy and I'm not comprising a stick of anything. In compromising, everyone loses. With that being said, I'm not being selfish, I ask that of him too. It's been so much fun, risking and playing with him. He has a kind and calm spirit, with just enough hot pepper zest!!! I'm excited for whats to come!!
Riding, I'm not. I fell and gave myself a hematoma on my pubic bone. HA! Of all the places that has to be the worst for riding horses at least. This happened in July and its August. So I say one more week off. It still hurts a bunch. I've reconsidered the kind of riding I want in my life. It's a dangerous sport and I takes a lot longer to heal from a fall the older I get. I have also heard of people who were killed walking their horses out to the field. I'm not one to play it safe anywhere in my life and I don't want the message to my kids to be play it safe either. I also don't want to give the message of being reckless. So it's all developing.
Well thanks for listening for those that read this. It does help me to go through this process.
M
Friday, June 11, 2010
Don't cook bacon naked -The advice for the Graduates
"They" say you remember your graduation, your wedding, the birth of your children, their graduation, their wedding and their births.
I remember my first tongue kiss, my first cigarette, both were at The Devon Horse Show by the way, my first time, not at Devon, the day I walked out of Baldwin and Conestoga HS never to return, leaving my castle of White Horse Farm thinking my life was over, one sad night in Avalon, the birth of Taylor, the day Jerry Garcia died, the day I married Jeffery Stevens Hinkle, the birth of Luke, the day Jeff left, the day Jeff died, my graduation from Immaculata, my ah ha moment in the Landmark Forum and forgave my dad, the day my dad died, the day Zane died which on Friday will be a year, and now my oldest childs' graduation.
Of course there have been so many amazing things that have occurred in between all of those events but they stand out.
It was a great event. Even though it was way too long. They had 5 seniors give speeches and each lasted at least 15mins long. UGH!!! And the sad thing was, some of them were really great but I couldn't stand to listen to them. I just wanted to hear my daughters name called!!
She was so happy! Definitely the happiest I have ever seen her. A great moment!!
And my mom and sister came to the house afterward. And even though this was the first time I have seen my sister or even spoken to her since all of this mayhem with mom came out, it was business as usual. I guess that whole blood is thicker than water saying stood the test of time.
I know I have a lot of training in the area of relationships and I can coach anyone through anything and I'm good at it but you know how they say doctors make the worst patients, well that's how it can be with me.
So I took some coaching from my other sister who said I should try using all of my training for this area of my life. And you know the saying, it takes two to Tango? Well it actually only takes one. Me. I choose how I live my life and I choose to be angry or sad or lonely or happy or excited. I choose how I am with others. It's quite powerful!
One of the girls got up and spoke about humility tonight. She said if she had humility she wouldn't be up talking about it. HA! I love that.
Thanks
I remember my first tongue kiss, my first cigarette, both were at The Devon Horse Show by the way, my first time, not at Devon, the day I walked out of Baldwin and Conestoga HS never to return, leaving my castle of White Horse Farm thinking my life was over, one sad night in Avalon, the birth of Taylor, the day Jerry Garcia died, the day I married Jeffery Stevens Hinkle, the birth of Luke, the day Jeff left, the day Jeff died, my graduation from Immaculata, my ah ha moment in the Landmark Forum and forgave my dad, the day my dad died, the day Zane died which on Friday will be a year, and now my oldest childs' graduation.
Of course there have been so many amazing things that have occurred in between all of those events but they stand out.
It was a great event. Even though it was way too long. They had 5 seniors give speeches and each lasted at least 15mins long. UGH!!! And the sad thing was, some of them were really great but I couldn't stand to listen to them. I just wanted to hear my daughters name called!!
She was so happy! Definitely the happiest I have ever seen her. A great moment!!
And my mom and sister came to the house afterward. And even though this was the first time I have seen my sister or even spoken to her since all of this mayhem with mom came out, it was business as usual. I guess that whole blood is thicker than water saying stood the test of time.
I know I have a lot of training in the area of relationships and I can coach anyone through anything and I'm good at it but you know how they say doctors make the worst patients, well that's how it can be with me.
So I took some coaching from my other sister who said I should try using all of my training for this area of my life. And you know the saying, it takes two to Tango? Well it actually only takes one. Me. I choose how I live my life and I choose to be angry or sad or lonely or happy or excited. I choose how I am with others. It's quite powerful!
One of the girls got up and spoke about humility tonight. She said if she had humility she wouldn't be up talking about it. HA! I love that.
Thanks
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Absynth makes the heart grow fonder...
Ha, I'm sure it does and would not know from experience, but I do know that absence does.
And seeing my mom tonight just made me light up like a little girl inside. Outside I still remained a bit cautious waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it never did.
I told her how much better she seemed and she told me the doctors told her she does not have Alzheimer and all of the confusion is from her urinary tract infection and overdose of prendisone.
Now I can't honestly say if she's getting better or if it's just me and my new perspective of not being around her all the time.
She truly could be laying down a big carpet of BS unintentionally or it could actually be true.
Either way, as I sat at the table just enjoying her company for the first time in a while, I said to myself, it doesn't matter. Goofy, crazy, loony, ill, regal, beautiful, all of the above is my mom and I love her all the same.
Now living with her is a different story and I never signed on for that deal. My sister always said she was going to be the one and she doesn't have kids so it's perfect. I think where the integrity went out was when I didn't say I wasn't comfortable with having her live with me in the first place. I felt like I 'should', I would be an awful daughter if I didn't, it was my duty. Well guess what, I still looked like an awful daughter AND I took her in! HA! So if I could get a tattoo on my forehead it would say, TRUST YOURSELF!!!
I often step over my initial thoughts and trade them in for what 'should' I do thoughts or 'ought' to do or 'what's best for them' thoughts. True thoughts of an abused woman. Which I was when I was 13. And even though that was many years ago, my first reaction is from that old pattern created 27 yrs ago and it takes effort to not just go with it because it feels very quite comfortable and known.
So now in this stage of my life, 40, being oh so wise, tee hee, I want to be done with that crap.
Just trust myself and my intuition.
I loved being with my mom and seeing her in light that was loving and peaceful.
My gut says she is sick and this is all part of it and oh well!
She did say, "I know there are things I should be thanking you for because you took care of me but I can't remember." And I said, 'well I don't ever remember you wiping my butt, so we are even."
Love you mom.
And seeing my mom tonight just made me light up like a little girl inside. Outside I still remained a bit cautious waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it never did.
I told her how much better she seemed and she told me the doctors told her she does not have Alzheimer and all of the confusion is from her urinary tract infection and overdose of prendisone.
Now I can't honestly say if she's getting better or if it's just me and my new perspective of not being around her all the time.
She truly could be laying down a big carpet of BS unintentionally or it could actually be true.
Either way, as I sat at the table just enjoying her company for the first time in a while, I said to myself, it doesn't matter. Goofy, crazy, loony, ill, regal, beautiful, all of the above is my mom and I love her all the same.
Now living with her is a different story and I never signed on for that deal. My sister always said she was going to be the one and she doesn't have kids so it's perfect. I think where the integrity went out was when I didn't say I wasn't comfortable with having her live with me in the first place. I felt like I 'should', I would be an awful daughter if I didn't, it was my duty. Well guess what, I still looked like an awful daughter AND I took her in! HA! So if I could get a tattoo on my forehead it would say, TRUST YOURSELF!!!
I often step over my initial thoughts and trade them in for what 'should' I do thoughts or 'ought' to do or 'what's best for them' thoughts. True thoughts of an abused woman. Which I was when I was 13. And even though that was many years ago, my first reaction is from that old pattern created 27 yrs ago and it takes effort to not just go with it because it feels very quite comfortable and known.
So now in this stage of my life, 40, being oh so wise, tee hee, I want to be done with that crap.
Just trust myself and my intuition.
I loved being with my mom and seeing her in light that was loving and peaceful.
My gut says she is sick and this is all part of it and oh well!
She did say, "I know there are things I should be thanking you for because you took care of me but I can't remember." And I said, 'well I don't ever remember you wiping my butt, so we are even."
Love you mom.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Dancing in the minds eye
Well, The Devon Horse Show was a blast. Great meeting new people and having fun with people I sometimes only see once a year. It's a vacation every year. What I haven't done was let everyone else know its my vacation. And then can lead to people being upset. SO next year I will.
One of my requests on my bucket list was to be on the coach with Dr. Don during the cone competition. And it was fulfilled. It was awesome!!! And the only reason I know this man and his fabulous wife is because of my mom. And I got to be on the coach while in the ring of the Devon Marathon because I knew mom would be there and would be proud. She missed us. :( And I got to be on the coach while he won a very important class. I was honored!!
So I became a coach junkie as my one friend puts it!!
There was a lot of upset about my last blog. Regarding my family. And some felt like it was too much to share with everyone and some loved it. It gave me freedom and if I offended anyone please let me know personally or you can comment below, that's what it's for!!
Where things are now is I'm not speaking too my mom, brother or sister. At least not directly, through email and only in relation to mom.
This is new to me. I have always been pretty close with my one sister who lives here and I can't bare to even look at her, that's how angry I am. I'm usually not like this with them and frankly it's nice. I see it as a boundary. I have allowed them to treat me a certain way and now I'm done. In the middle of all of this is my mom and considering I haven't seen her or spoken to her since she left I cannot speak of how she's doing. I hear mixed reviews. I just want her to be safe and taken care of. Even if it means not being around me because I make her angry. I know it's not personal and I don't want to upset her.
"I wish you had a good man to take care of you" was said three times to me today.
What the hell is with that? It's now making me think. All of the men I've had haven't been good? I don't like men taking care of me? I get irritated with them? I can take care of myself? I'm not attracted to the good ones? The good ones are already taken?
So many things and I still have a conversation that there won't be one that loves me wholly and perfectly and I will love them back that way.
So I'm juicing again, only for three days this time. I wanted to give my body a break and get back into my old ways. I unfortunately fell back into some not so healthy habits!!
Day one -feeling pretty good. I noticed when something upset me I wanted to smoke or drink or both!! Geesh, I'm such an addict!!
Oh an I got to gallop a 2yr old colt today!! Soooo much fun!!
Dancing in the minds eye...
Cheers
I'm looking at what I'm attracted to in people. What are the qualities I admire and what I don't.
One of my requests on my bucket list was to be on the coach with Dr. Don during the cone competition. And it was fulfilled. It was awesome!!! And the only reason I know this man and his fabulous wife is because of my mom. And I got to be on the coach while in the ring of the Devon Marathon because I knew mom would be there and would be proud. She missed us. :( And I got to be on the coach while he won a very important class. I was honored!!
So I became a coach junkie as my one friend puts it!!
There was a lot of upset about my last blog. Regarding my family. And some felt like it was too much to share with everyone and some loved it. It gave me freedom and if I offended anyone please let me know personally or you can comment below, that's what it's for!!
Where things are now is I'm not speaking too my mom, brother or sister. At least not directly, through email and only in relation to mom.
This is new to me. I have always been pretty close with my one sister who lives here and I can't bare to even look at her, that's how angry I am. I'm usually not like this with them and frankly it's nice. I see it as a boundary. I have allowed them to treat me a certain way and now I'm done. In the middle of all of this is my mom and considering I haven't seen her or spoken to her since she left I cannot speak of how she's doing. I hear mixed reviews. I just want her to be safe and taken care of. Even if it means not being around me because I make her angry. I know it's not personal and I don't want to upset her.
"I wish you had a good man to take care of you" was said three times to me today.
What the hell is with that? It's now making me think. All of the men I've had haven't been good? I don't like men taking care of me? I get irritated with them? I can take care of myself? I'm not attracted to the good ones? The good ones are already taken?
So many things and I still have a conversation that there won't be one that loves me wholly and perfectly and I will love them back that way.
So I'm juicing again, only for three days this time. I wanted to give my body a break and get back into my old ways. I unfortunately fell back into some not so healthy habits!!
Day one -feeling pretty good. I noticed when something upset me I wanted to smoke or drink or both!! Geesh, I'm such an addict!!
Oh an I got to gallop a 2yr old colt today!! Soooo much fun!!
Dancing in the minds eye...
Cheers
I'm looking at what I'm attracted to in people. What are the qualities I admire and what I don't.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
To set the record straight- fireflies and fairytales
While I was taking the trash out last night I saw my first firefly of the season. I was having a conversation to my mom at the time and I started to cry remembering the nights we would lay on the hammock and watch the lightening bugs and talk about life, death and happiness.
She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And I don't know if you have had any experience with this disease but I have not. And we didn't even find this out until last week and it has been almost two months since we started this journey. When I look back I can see it's been happening for a while. This has not been easy at all.
She's at my brothers and things are not well.
One Sunday afternoon after brunch at the Desmond and a nap she became very agitated at my house and it became worse. So it was a Tuesday that I asked my brother to come over and talk with her. The entire time she was at my house he never came over once. It wasn't until I made a frantic panic call that he felt like it was serious enough for him to come over.
So he went for a walk with her and then left. He called me later on that day and offered to take her to his house with the caveat that they have help. So I set it all up and brought her over on Weds. What I didn't know was that this was a whole scheme between my mom, (who is sick) and my brother (which I don't think he's been diagnosed but I think probably has multiple personality disorder. But I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know. And I just want to acknowledge that I'm blowing my own rule because I don't have my brother's permission to blog about him and I don't really care) to have mom escape from the awful, filthy, insane asylum called Megan's house.
Now mind you, I was taking my mom to doctors appointments if not everyday, then every other day. If we didn't go they came here. She had to do exercises and take her medicine and most importantly drink her water ( I know sounds funny, but she had a bladder infection and water is very important). She didn't like to do any of those things so she would get agitated and annoyed at me from time to time. So I had to deal with the fact that my mom was going to not like me anymore. I wrote about that earlier. But I did it because I love her and she needed my care.
She started to say things to me like I threw the remote control at her, or I wouldn't let her watch TV. When she said these things I started to get nervous and thought she could say anything if she wanted and in her mind she would believe it. So I made sure I wasn't alone with her and for the most part that worked out. And she was happier when I had others around, she enjoyed their company much more over mine anyway. Until, she didn't then I was awful and they were awful. Nothing had to happen to make this switch, just something in her mind. It's horrible to watch this and as a child you want to believe this will go away. And I know Kurt had in mind that we would be the one that would bring her back but in the meantime he abused me along the way. Putting me down for how I cared for mom. Telling me I abused her and I lived in filthy pit and should have never taken mom in. Now for those of you that have been to my house, I don't think filth would be the word to use eh? Maybe after a party, but that's it and that's just muss. I already mentioned the abuse thing, which unfortunately is all part of the illness. Now, did I argue with an Alzheimer patient? Was I short at times? Yup and yup. I got it, that doesn't work. Should I have never taken on this job? Perhaps, and what the hell else was I going to do? Say no to my sister who was leaving for Europe for two weeks and my brother who was dealing with bladder cancer? That would have been brilliant and probably would have saved our relationship.
But I didn't do that and now I'm very concerned for our family. We are fighting and taking sides and doing all of those things you hear about with families when wills aren't set in places or living wills aren't being followed.
So what's happening now is that I don't know if I will ever see my mother again because my brother is turning her against me and I'm fairly certain that I will never forgive my brother for his abusive actions towards me. It's actually not even forgiveness, it's more about me not putting myself in that situation. And considering he's not going to change I can't be around him. I know his rage and anger and I know why he has it and I know that under it all is a frightened little boy. And he doesn't really have too much of a choice considering the abuse he got while he was growing up. But he is not responsible for his actions and thinks it's everyone else fault for everything bad in his life. And I'm done being the brunt of it.
I'm shocked and appalled by the actions of my brother and his wife. I'm shocked and saddened and paralyzed with all of these emotions right now. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation.
I am depressed and am sick. I don't have a lot of power around this. I'm still reverting back to my childhood and thinking they are right. That I am an irresponsible child that can't take on anything right. It's not the truth and I know I'm not. I'm stuck in this whirlpool of the past and I must break free of it. It doesn't work!
I have fantastic friends, I just need to use them.
I'm creating being powerful and kick ass and a bitch!!
Peace
She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And I don't know if you have had any experience with this disease but I have not. And we didn't even find this out until last week and it has been almost two months since we started this journey. When I look back I can see it's been happening for a while. This has not been easy at all.
She's at my brothers and things are not well.
One Sunday afternoon after brunch at the Desmond and a nap she became very agitated at my house and it became worse. So it was a Tuesday that I asked my brother to come over and talk with her. The entire time she was at my house he never came over once. It wasn't until I made a frantic panic call that he felt like it was serious enough for him to come over.
So he went for a walk with her and then left. He called me later on that day and offered to take her to his house with the caveat that they have help. So I set it all up and brought her over on Weds. What I didn't know was that this was a whole scheme between my mom, (who is sick) and my brother (which I don't think he's been diagnosed but I think probably has multiple personality disorder. But I'm not a doctor so I wouldn't know. And I just want to acknowledge that I'm blowing my own rule because I don't have my brother's permission to blog about him and I don't really care) to have mom escape from the awful, filthy, insane asylum called Megan's house.
Now mind you, I was taking my mom to doctors appointments if not everyday, then every other day. If we didn't go they came here. She had to do exercises and take her medicine and most importantly drink her water ( I know sounds funny, but she had a bladder infection and water is very important). She didn't like to do any of those things so she would get agitated and annoyed at me from time to time. So I had to deal with the fact that my mom was going to not like me anymore. I wrote about that earlier. But I did it because I love her and she needed my care.
She started to say things to me like I threw the remote control at her, or I wouldn't let her watch TV. When she said these things I started to get nervous and thought she could say anything if she wanted and in her mind she would believe it. So I made sure I wasn't alone with her and for the most part that worked out. And she was happier when I had others around, she enjoyed their company much more over mine anyway. Until, she didn't then I was awful and they were awful. Nothing had to happen to make this switch, just something in her mind. It's horrible to watch this and as a child you want to believe this will go away. And I know Kurt had in mind that we would be the one that would bring her back but in the meantime he abused me along the way. Putting me down for how I cared for mom. Telling me I abused her and I lived in filthy pit and should have never taken mom in. Now for those of you that have been to my house, I don't think filth would be the word to use eh? Maybe after a party, but that's it and that's just muss. I already mentioned the abuse thing, which unfortunately is all part of the illness. Now, did I argue with an Alzheimer patient? Was I short at times? Yup and yup. I got it, that doesn't work. Should I have never taken on this job? Perhaps, and what the hell else was I going to do? Say no to my sister who was leaving for Europe for two weeks and my brother who was dealing with bladder cancer? That would have been brilliant and probably would have saved our relationship.
But I didn't do that and now I'm very concerned for our family. We are fighting and taking sides and doing all of those things you hear about with families when wills aren't set in places or living wills aren't being followed.
So what's happening now is that I don't know if I will ever see my mother again because my brother is turning her against me and I'm fairly certain that I will never forgive my brother for his abusive actions towards me. It's actually not even forgiveness, it's more about me not putting myself in that situation. And considering he's not going to change I can't be around him. I know his rage and anger and I know why he has it and I know that under it all is a frightened little boy. And he doesn't really have too much of a choice considering the abuse he got while he was growing up. But he is not responsible for his actions and thinks it's everyone else fault for everything bad in his life. And I'm done being the brunt of it.
I'm shocked and appalled by the actions of my brother and his wife. I'm shocked and saddened and paralyzed with all of these emotions right now. I never thought I would ever be in this kind of situation.
I am depressed and am sick. I don't have a lot of power around this. I'm still reverting back to my childhood and thinking they are right. That I am an irresponsible child that can't take on anything right. It's not the truth and I know I'm not. I'm stuck in this whirlpool of the past and I must break free of it. It doesn't work!
I have fantastic friends, I just need to use them.
I'm creating being powerful and kick ass and a bitch!!
Peace
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
