So it's day 32 of a 56 days IV Antibiotic treatment. It's 1:30 am and I'm not sleeping because to get out of the pain and depressed state of today I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed.
This has been an awful experience that I'm having a hard time being positive about. I now can relate to Jake not wanting to writing about his experience because you want to be positive but a lot of the time, your pissed off, annoyed and have the "why me's" . Well at least I do. Not all the time but when my body is at a failure and I'm stuck in bed for days at a time, it's not easy to see the light. I wonder if this is going to be my future, and will my kids only remember the times that their mom was in bed with things hanging from her arm.
I haven't written about this because I'm not very secure about this disease and am finding more and more about it. But I blame myself and wonder if it's just me and I'm making it up to not participate in life. I hate to admit this but it's there. It's also what many doctors think, so no wonder I think it. Some doctors say Chronic Lyme doesn't exist. HA! I can only wish they get this and feel like I do, then someone say to them, it's only in their mind!!
My insurance won't pay for it and in trying to find an insurance who will cover me has been a real mess. Plus I'm sick and dealing with this is draining, even when you're well. I get no answers and get the go around.
I miss my dad, because he would be so understanding right now, unlike the trustees he placed for my trust. That's another story for another time, if any!! But I do miss my dad because he would take control of this to make sure I get the best care ever.
I am alone. Although I have the best friend ever , who will remain nameless at his request. But he has been my life saver and I don't know if he truly understands how much his partnership has meant to me lately!! Thank You my dear friend!! I'm not sure how I can repay you!
I can look back and see how many doctors I have seen over the years for separate things bothering me and if you lump into Lyme Disease, it makes sense.
I was first diagnosed 15 yrs ago and removed the tick and received a bulls-eye. Before diagnosis, I was admitted into Paoli Hospital for a possible appendicitis, nothing came up, then my knee swelled up and pain came, it was x-rayed and nothing. My doctor was dumbfounded and then I scratched my head and he happened to see the bulls -eye rash under my arm. I went on 6 weeks of tetracycline, not doxycycline and felt better.
Throughout the years I was diagnosed with mono, chronic fatigue, Epstein barr and Lyme disease 5 times over. It seemed as though it would never go away. Last year I had it I tried to do it all homeopathic but when my right side of face started to get numb, I reached for my anti- bios. But I treated a lot of it by homeopathic remedies. I am starting them tomorrow as well.
This sucks though because not sleeping is a symptom -boo hiss, plus aches all over, hot flashes, and shooting pains throughout.
Plus, I'm getting depressed by not being with others and letting my mind go crazy!!
Not fun!!
Gotta go...getting sleepy!! YAY!!
More to come!!
M
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Thanks for writing about this, Megan. I can understand how your mind takes you to those dark places when you are inclined to take full responsibility for your life and choices. Makes you wonder "why did I ever choose this??". I thought it would be nice to have more people around you, even when you are sick, to have something else to put your attention on, and others' attention on you. Perhaps your friends could take turns coming over and hanging with you. Please keep posting so I can keep track of your progress.
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