Don't cook bacon naked -The advice for the Graduates

"They" say you remember your graduation, your wedding, the birth of your children, their graduation, their wedding and their births.

I remember my first tongue kiss, my first cigarette, both were at The Devon Horse Show by the way, my first time, not at Devon, the day I walked out of Baldwin and Conestoga HS never to return, leaving my castle of White Horse Farm thinking my life was over, one sad night in Avalon, the birth of Taylor, the day Jerry Garcia died, the day I married Jeffery Stevens Hinkle, the birth of Luke, the day Jeff left, the day Jeff died, my graduation from Immaculata, my ah ha moment in the Landmark Forum and forgave my dad, the day my dad died, the day Zane died which on Friday will be a year, and now my oldest childs' graduation.
Of course there have been so many amazing things that have occurred in between all of those events but they stand out.

It was a great event. Even though it was way too long. They had 5 seniors give speeches and each lasted at least 15mins long. UGH!!! And the sad thing was, some of them were really great but I couldn't stand to listen to them. I just wanted to hear my daughters name called!!
She was so happy! Definitely the happiest I have ever seen her. A great moment!!

And my mom and sister came to the house afterward. And even though this was the first time I have seen my sister or even spoken to her since all of this mayhem with mom came out, it was business as usual. I guess that whole blood is thicker than water saying stood the test of time.
I know I have a lot of training in the area of relationships and I can coach anyone through anything and I'm good at it but you know how they say doctors make the worst patients, well that's how it can be with me.

So I took some coaching from my other sister who said I should try using all of my training for this area of my life. And you know the saying, it takes two to Tango? Well it actually only takes one. Me. I choose how I live my life and I choose to be angry or sad or lonely or happy or excited. I choose how I am with others. It's quite powerful!

One of the girls got up and spoke about humility tonight. She said if she had humility she wouldn't be up talking about it. HA! I love that.

Thanks

Absynth makes the heart grow fonder...

Ha, I'm sure it does and would not know from experience, but I do know that absence does.
And seeing my mom tonight just made me light up like a little girl inside. Outside I still remained a bit cautious waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it never did.
I told her how much better she seemed and she told me the doctors told her she does not have Alzheimer and all of the confusion is from her urinary tract infection and overdose of prendisone.
Now I can't honestly say if she's getting better or if it's just me and my new perspective of not being around her all the time.
She truly could be laying down a big carpet of BS unintentionally or it could actually be true.
Either way, as I sat at the table just enjoying her company for the first time in a while, I said to myself, it doesn't matter. Goofy, crazy, loony, ill, regal, beautiful, all of the above is my mom and I love her all the same.
Now living with her is a different story and I never signed on for that deal. My sister always said she was going to be the one and she doesn't have kids so it's perfect. I think where the integrity went out was when I didn't say I wasn't comfortable with having her live with me in the first place. I felt like I 'should', I would be an awful daughter if I didn't, it was my duty. Well guess what, I still looked like an awful daughter AND I took her in! HA! So if I could get a tattoo on my forehead it would say, TRUST YOURSELF!!!
I often step over my initial thoughts and trade them in for what 'should' I do thoughts or 'ought' to do or 'what's best for them' thoughts. True thoughts of an abused woman. Which I was when I was 13. And even though that was many years ago, my first reaction is from that old pattern created 27 yrs ago and it takes effort to not just go with it because it feels very quite comfortable and known.
So now in this stage of my life, 40, being oh so wise, tee hee, I want to be done with that crap.
Just trust myself and my intuition.
I loved being with my mom and seeing her in light that was loving and peaceful.
My gut says she is sick and this is all part of it and oh well!
She did say, "I know there are things I should be thanking you for because you took care of me but I can't remember." And I said, 'well I don't ever remember you wiping my butt, so we are even."
Love you mom.

Dancing in the minds eye

Well, The Devon Horse Show was a blast. Great meeting new people and having fun with people I sometimes only see once a year. It's a vacation every year. What I haven't done was let everyone else know its my vacation. And then can lead to people being upset. SO next year I will.

One of my requests on my bucket list was to be on the coach with Dr. Don during the cone competition. And it was fulfilled. It was awesome!!! And the only reason I know this man and his fabulous wife is because of my mom. And I got to be on the coach while in the ring of the Devon Marathon because I knew mom would be there and would be proud. She missed us. :( And I got to be on the coach while he won a very important class. I was honored!!
So I became a coach junkie as my one friend puts it!!

There was a lot of upset about my last blog. Regarding my family. And some felt like it was too much to share with everyone and some loved it. It gave me freedom and if I offended anyone please let me know personally or you can comment below, that's what it's for!!

Where things are now is I'm not speaking too my mom, brother or sister. At least not directly, through email and only in relation to mom.
This is new to me. I have always been pretty close with my one sister who lives here and I can't bare to even look at her, that's how angry I am. I'm usually not like this with them and frankly it's nice. I see it as a boundary. I have allowed them to treat me a certain way and now I'm done. In the middle of all of this is my mom and considering I haven't seen her or spoken to her since she left I cannot speak of how she's doing. I hear mixed reviews. I just want her to be safe and taken care of. Even if it means not being around me because I make her angry. I know it's not personal and I don't want to upset her.

"I wish you had a good man to take care of you" was said three times to me today.
What the hell is with that? It's now making me think. All of the men I've had haven't been good? I don't like men taking care of me? I get irritated with them? I can take care of myself? I'm not attracted to the good ones? The good ones are already taken?
So many things and I still have a conversation that there won't be one that loves me wholly and perfectly and I will love them back that way.

So I'm juicing again, only for three days this time. I wanted to give my body a break and get back into my old ways. I unfortunately fell back into some not so healthy habits!!
Day one -feeling pretty good. I noticed when something upset me I wanted to smoke or drink or both!! Geesh, I'm such an addict!!

Oh an I got to gallop a 2yr old colt today!! Soooo much fun!!

Dancing in the minds eye...

Cheers





I'm looking at what I'm attracted to in people. What are the qualities I admire and what I don't.